Hey guys, I will try to keep this post short. Basically I have felt depressed on and off for the last several years I would say. I am about 30 and of course, when I was younger, like in my 20's I would feel happiness for no apparent reason and just be in a good mood from time to time. Nowadays I am rarely just in a good mood for no reason, like at best case I have to fake being in a good mood (if I'm in a neutral mood), and worst case is I am in an absolute sh*** mood, in which case I try to hide it from people and still be kind and respectful. I have difficulty connecting with people I think, but maybe that's just part of my personality. I am good socially (good at talking to people and getting them to open up and talk about themselves) but I also feel fake and emotionally numb when I talk to people for the most part. It's a scary feeling to me although I have felt it for a long time (for maybe about the last five years, which is why I quit weed two years ago, minus a few slipups.)
I feel like I have very little joy in my life, which might make sense given my circumstances but things just don't feel right. I usually feel some degree of depersonalization, where I feel like I'm watching a movie (like if I'm unlocking a door, for instance, it feels like I'm watching it happen on a screen instead of being there living it.) My motivation is good, though, so I have been getting better with my fitness (I work out 3-4x a week, hard workouts) and also recently got a really great job. For a long time (from my late teens onward), I always wanted to be a great musician (and I still do.) I have worked my donkey off over the years practicing singing and playing other instruments, have been in several bands, have recorded CD's completely independently, and also have a part-time job writing music for a kid's learning application. I wonder if my depression is coming from like a mixed sense of identity, where I work in the day as like an engineer (which I do enjoy), but I am not working toward the one inescapable thing that drives me and gives me joy. When I play open mic nights or perform live for strangers, it gives me a unique sense of joy, the strongest joy I have felt (even more than sex, to be honest) and I wonder if I need to make more time to play music since it is so important to me. I tend to be very dutiful and almost never am lazy, so I'm always moving, hustling and taking care of things, but I don't always have time for music. Is it possible that this could cause depression and anxiety?
Just to give a bit of background, I am about 30 years old and recently graduated from college. I do have a substantial amount of debt and am living fairly on the edge financially, since most of my income comes from tutoring on the side (until my paychecks kick in from my new job.) I was living with my parents while I was in school but shortly after graduating my dad got really drunk (he drinks often) and basically kicked me out of the house for not finding a job fast enough. I moved in with my sister and her husband and my nephew, and it feels a bit humiliating although they are very cool about it and I love all three of them. I am very hard up financially and should be able to support myself within a few weeks once I start getting paid but again, maybe this is the cause of depression. The last thing is I drink a fair amount of caffeine and notice it gives me substantial anxiety, and therefore I have tried to quit many, many times. Typically I can get to about a week of no coffee but conversations become extremely difficult, I am mentally slow without it and emotionally vacant and like a zombie, so I usually cave in and have a cup when this happens. Overall I have been cutting down though and hope to quit once I adjust to waking up at 6am everyday.
Thank you for reading and for your time, please let me know if you have any advice for me. Thanks!