Child Sexual Experimentation

**Posts:** 7 · by **spork** » Thu Jun 22, 2017 11:30 am

When I was 12 my brother (who was eight) and I started kissing. We would kiss each other flat on the lips and any other way we tried it we found to be gross and didn't really do. We would do this occasionally probably over the course of a couple weeks or so and it was basically limited to this kissing. In one incident I asked him to touch his penis to my vulva and offered to do whatever he wanted to his penis for twice as long, but he refused and so we never did it. In fact at no point did I ever pressure him or force him to do anything and he seemed to enjoy everything he did. I don't remember specifically but I feel that we were both initiating things and that it wasn't just me. The worst thing happened when we somehow decided (I'm not sure who suggested it) that I would put my mouth on his penis. The instant my lips touched his skin I stopped and realized how disgusting and shameful it was to do all of this. After that moment we never did anything of this sort again. I remember thinking his penis was disgusting and I don't think I ever touched it in any other way. I think before I did this with my brother I had kissed a younger friend of mine who was probably 7-9 years old. This was shorter lived and didn't progress as far but she seemed to enjoy it and we would giggle a lot whenever we did it before I finally decided that it was too inappropriate to continue.

After I stopped doing this with my brother I felt nothing but shame and regret over it. Honestly at 12 I wasn't as socially developed as other kids and acted inappropriately quite often (though not in sexual ways.) I think maybe this is why it feels as if I was younger than 12 when this happened and also why I understood that it was wrong for siblings to do this but I didn't so much understand the age difference. I have never felt any other attraction to small children.

I recently told all of this to my boyfriend of 2 years. He was absolutely stunned and didn't know what to make of it. He looked it up and learned that it's not predatory but is still very uncomfortable with the age difference. He thinks that 12 is too old to do this with an 8 year old and that I had too much power in this situation. He's still with me and still loves me and tries to be close to me, but he says he's still very uncomfortable and might leave me in the future if he can't accept it. It's scary enough to know this but what's even scarier is that I feel as though if he did leave me I could never find anyone else who would accept me despite knowing this about me. I am anxious and distraught all the time and can hardly sleep. More than anything I want to know that this is normal and that it doesn't make me predatory or manipulative and that my boyfriend can reasonably accept it.

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Thu Jun 22, 2017 6:10 pm

spork wrote:I recently told all of this to my boyfriend of 2 years. He was absolutely stunned and didn't know what to make of it. He looked it up and learned that it's not predatory but is still very uncomfortable with the age difference. He thinks that 12 is too old to do this with an 8 year old and that I had too much power in this situation.

WHAT?! Stick with me for just a moment. "Looked it up."? Is this what we do today, we search the Internet to decide what is moral or not? We Google morality? The Internet tells us what is right or wrong, good or bad, predatory or a power situation? How do you think these situations were resolved prior to the all mighty moral authority of Google?

What happened to making a decision based on your own moral compass, your own values, your own feelings of right and wrong verses what others tell you is right and wrong?

I get it...I do understand. When a person lacks confidence in knowing who they are, when they lack identity and are uncertain of their values they look for guidance. In the past I guess people used their faith, went to their local priest/clergy or sought counsel of family, but today we use the Internet.

I want to know that this is normal and that it doesn't make me predatory or manipulative and that my boyfriend can reasonably accept it.

What I think is you need to be damned with anyone else's opinion. Only you know your heart at the time. You were a kid, a child that as you put was experimenting. It doesn't sound like you were intentionally out to hurt anyone, to be a predator, etc. But, only you know what was going through your head, only you know what was in your heart at the time. Was it innocent? Was it a child entering puberty learning about their body for the first time and with new hormones rushing into the body? Or was it you knowing what you were doing and being manipulative. What was in your heart?

The Internet doesn't have the answer for you. You have the answer and I recommend you don't let anyone tell you what you are based on their personal moral code, based on their values. This includes your boyfriend or anyone else.

I hope you don't feel like I'm trying to beat you up. I'm not. My comments are more aimed at the overall state of how what is "right" or "wrong" is decided by looking it up online, by crowdsourcing morality. Personally, it sounds to me like two, niave children.

**Posts:** 173 · by **HumanB** » Sun Jun 25, 2017 12:39 am

How old are you now? What's your bfs problem... does he think you are some kind of paedo monster now or something? And how exactly did your bf determine that you aren't predatory by consulting the internet?! Does he trust people who don't know you above his own feelings and intuitions about you gathered over 2 years and during your "confession" to him (where he can scrutinise and challenge you)? He sounds a bit pathetic about it if you ask me.
I'm curious to know how you came to tell him? Did you see it / feel it as a confession? What do you see as the most terrible thing about what you did with your brother? What does your bro think about that? Maybe if it is such a burden to you then you should talk to him now and see what he thinks about it.

**Posts:** 7 · by **spork** » Sun Jun 25, 2017 3:49 am

For anyone wondering about why my boyfriend consulted the internet, he was wondering whether or not this kind of behavior was normal for children of that age. And good news, I am feeling better about the whole thing and my boyfriend is too mostly. I still get anxiety but it's manageable and I think everything is going to be fine.

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Sun Jun 25, 2017 5:48 am

spork wrote:For anyone wondering about why my boyfriend consulted the internet, he was wondering whether or not this kind of behavior was normal for children of that age.

It is an understandable place to look.

The Internet unfortunately is a double-edged sword. You can find that it is or is not normal. You can find any answer you like, to support any moral or ethical view you like. Being able to discriminate and use the information is tricky.

I'm glad your anxiety is reduced.

**Posts:** 34 · by **angelal** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 6:29 pm

8 and 12 is not that big of an age difference. You also got to look at how old you guys were developmentally. That may have bought you even closer to age. Also, children experimenting with sexuality is not only normal, it's healthy. It was with someone who were comfortable with and you guys both respected your boundaries. There is nothing to worry about,

**Posts:** 53 · by **Infinite** » Sun Jul 23, 2017 6:07 pm

I am sorry you are feeling this way and I am sorry your b/f gave you the feeling he may leave you if he does not accept you.
I think personally, it would be more beneficial to trust your own moral compass as others said. I also think YOU need to deal with this for you not for him.

It is better you start forgiving yourself not that you did anything wrong but your adult person is judging your inner childhood.

Predatory or not, children are also allowed to make mistakes. This is all part of growing up. When an adult makes mistake depending on how big, we punish them and put them in jail or dump them in relationship or whatever.
When a child makes mistake, depending the gravity (murder and mutilation and aggressive sexual acts), we teach them even if we put them in jail, we are focusing on trying to teach them better than to put them way for life!

I am, however, more concerned how your brother may feel about this experience and I wonder if your deep guilt is more about that than really your b/f who could be the one or not.

In the future, I think it is better, healthier and more beneficial to share this with a professional with the intention of healing not just as a story for other to judge you.

**Posts:** 34 · by **mindtester** » Thu Jul 27, 2017 4:56 am

I wouldn't feel ashamed or feel bad at all about this.. for any future mentions of this that you may encounter. I know many people, myself included, that have some EXTREMELY embarrassing childhood experiences. At the time it probably felt alright, and being so young then and unknowing doesn't necessarily make it an intentional action or twisted like how you see it now. Embarrassing things like that have happened to most people when they are young and it's a part of learning throughout life. I hope your significant other can come to realize that and be understanding. Maybe even he's had something he finds strange happen that involved him at a young age.

**Posts:** 18 · by **dark cloud** » Mon Dec 11, 2017 3:45 am

You don't have to worry honey !
I did what you did with my cousin all the time .
It's just curiosity of children .

**Posts:** 8 · by **Demerise831** » Tue May 21, 2019 11:45 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
spork wrote:I recently told all of this to my boyfriend of 2 years. He was absolutely stunned and didn't know what to make of it. He looked it up and learned that it's not predatory but is still very uncomfortable with the age difference. He thinks that 12 is too old to do this with an 8 year old and that I had too much power in this situation.

WHAT?! Stick with me for just a moment. "Looked it up."? Is this what we do today, we search the Internet to decide what is moral or not? We Google morality? The Internet tells us what is right or wrong, good or bad, predatory or a power situation? How do you think these situations were resolved prior to the all mighty moral authority of Google?

What happened to making a decision based on your own moral compass, your own values, your own feelings of right and wrong verses what others tell you is right and wrong?

I get it...I do understand. When a person lacks confidence in knowing who they are, when they lack identity and are uncertain of their values they look for guidance. In the past I guess people used their faith, went to their local priest/clergy or sought counsel of family, but today we use the Internet.

I want to know that this is normal and that it doesn't make me predatory or manipulative and that my boyfriend can reasonably accept it.

What I think is you need to be damned with anyone else's opinion. Only you know your heart at the time. You were a kid, a child that as you put was experimenting. It doesn't sound like you were intentionally out to hurt anyone, to be a predator, etc. But, only you know what was going through your head, only you know what was in your heart at the time. Was it innocent? Was it a child entering puberty learning about their body for the first time and with new hormones rushing into the body? Or was it you knowing what you were doing and being manipulative. What was in your heart?

The Internet doesn't have the answer for you. You have the answer and I recommend you don't let anyone tell you what you are based on their personal moral code, based on their values. This includes your boyfriend or anyone else.

I hope you don't feel like I'm trying to beat you up. I'm not. My comments are more aimed at the overall state of how what is "right" or "wrong" is decided by looking it up online, by crowdsourcing morality. Personally, it sounds to me like two, niave children.

I really appreciate your comment on this post. The laws are so strict towards children with sexually inappropriate behaviors. And that’s why I am fearful to speak with a therapist. Which country do you live in?

I am now 34. But when I was 12 I had been inappropriate twice while babysitting. Once I was holding a little girl in my arms on the couch (she was around 2?) and I placed her hand on my private area for a few seconds. The other situation (that I’m honestly not sure about because it’s a fuzzy memory and
very little detail) I feel like I had just changed the baby boys diaper and I got the sudden urge to know what it felt like to quickly press myself against him. But I can’t see the memory in my head. I spoke with my mother about it and told her who I thought it was and she told me that the neighbor was a baby girl with an older brother who was 3. So now I’m really confused. Did I dream/imagine this?

Either way, this absolutely disgusts me. But I know my intentions were not bad. I didn’t realize the effect it could have. I made a poor choice. And my curiosity got the best
of me.

I have pushed these memories out of my head for over 20 years. And now I can’t stop thinking about it. I am now on setraline to help with everything I’m going through. Not feeling any better yet. In fact I feel worse.

I’d love your thoughts. This age gap bothers me so much. Perhaps I quickly decided to cave to the curiosity because the child was so little and wouldn’t know? That’s one thing that brings me comfort, knowing the precious child doesn’t know.

Thank you.

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