My quit Journal

exstonerinhell wrote:Had a great day with the girlfriend. Got a massage, went out to eat, spent some time in a park under the sun. Did I feel like a space alien? You BET I did, but despite that have had the best day since all this started. Hope to have many more good days going forward, this crap isn't going to keep me down.

Sometimes it might win a round, but today I won this one and that's a start.

Good job man!!!!! Thats what I am talking about. That sounds like a really nice day. Did your GF enjoy herself? I found that spreading a little happiness was good medicine. Like bringing coffee to my friend when i visited, from his fav coffe shop, suprising my sister with her fav chocolate. Just small stuff, that made them happy.

Space alien now, hehehe. Try spacee alien thai boxing.. I never got beaten up so much in my life as those space alien days.. And space alien Ashtanga Yoga? Man, I could never ever remember my next move in the mysore classes those days.. Poor yoga instructor. She was such a champ... Space alien traveling? Lets talk about forgetting my passport and traveling with one broken bank card because my wallet was at home... hehe... The list is endless... hehehe

You got this man.. In no time you will look back at this with a normal head. Then memories like this is priceless...

Bagobones wrote:

exstonerinhell wrote:Had a great day with the girlfriend. Got a massage, went out to eat, spent some time in a park under the sun. Did I feel like a space alien? You BET I did, but despite that have had the best day since all this started. Hope to have many more good days going forward, this crap isn't going to keep me down.

Sometimes it might win a round, but today I won this one and that's a start.

Good job man!!!!! Thats what I am talking about. That sounds like a really nice day. Did your GF enjoy herself? I found that spreading a little happiness was good medicine. Like bringing coffee to my friend when i visited, from his fav coffe shop, suprising my sister with her fav chocolate. Just small stuff, that made them happy.

Space alien now, hehehe. Try spacee alien thai boxing.. I never got beaten up so much in my life as those space alien days.. And space alien Ashtanga Yoga? Man, I could never ever remember my next move in the mysore classes those days.. Poor yoga instructor. She was such a champ... Space alien traveling? Lets talk about forgetting my passport and traveling with one broken bank card because my wallet was at home... hehe... The list is endless... hehehe

You got this man.. In no time you will look back at this with a normal head. Then memories like this is priceless...

She did enjoy herself! Thanks for your support and insight, Bagobones. I really, really appreciate it!

Had a rough couple days, almost as bad as I was in the second month, it felt like. Slowly, though, I came out of it and am in a better place today. I've just got to remember that as bad as it gets sooner or later I get some relief. I'm not myself, not in a 'normal state', but there is relief and things get less intense. Everyone talks about slow, slow improvements and I do see some, they're just hard to hold on to when things get super rough like the last few days.

Last night got so rough that I started craving smoking. Not because I wanted to get high, and not because I wanted it but because I just want to be me again. But the weed turned on me, and I know if I smoke I'll just freak out and possibly put myself in a worse position than I am in now. It was pretty bad.

Today, though, I have some relief and hope as the day progresses I can get some things done to slowly improve my situtation and work my way towards getting through this.

Also, my dreams, while still pretty vivid seem to be calming down some within the past couple weeks. I can remember them still, but they don't stick with me all day like they're vivid memories anymore. Not as emotionally connected to them as I first was in the beginning of all this.

Hey exstonerinhell,

Congrats for moving forward. Keep going.

Just wanting relief from the intensity/distress of all the feelings is something that happens for me too. It's becoming increasing important as the days go by, for me to work on the emotional side of things as well as all the physical/biological recalibration such as good food, sleep, exercise etc . I reckon in my case because of the long term smoking I've not really developed emotional behaviours that can pull me out of the woods easily when I experience really difficult emotions. I've always had the weed to fall back on. It seems as if everyone on this site talks about the intense and extreme emotional reactions which start coming up when we ditch the weed. So this week I'm going to go the extra mile and get some skills in 'distress intolerance'. Reading will help me recognise what is going on and if I read the right stuff I hope to get some tips on how to 'regulate' my emotions.

When I get distressed my automatic default position is to get rid of the distress. And it's not long before I can get very very wilful about getting rid of the distress. That's usually the point, I can see, that I start craving for a smoke. Like you this isn't really about wanting to smoke, but about getting rid of my distress. So I'm working on changing my thinking to 'reality acceptance'. That is acceptance that this kind of intense emotional distress is a part of quitting weed and I can be willing to accept it, rather than wilfully getting rid of it. It's building on what I started doing the other week of trying not to call situations where I feel like sh** an emergency situation which requires a disaster response.

It sounds like you are getting through these rough days and the more rough days you have the more skills you will develop in tolerating them until they start evaporating.

Thanks for posting and as always 'keep going' you're doing great. cheers Liz

Liz, thank you so much for your encouragement.

. I reckon in my case because of the long term smoking I've not really developed emotional behaviours that can pull me out of the woods easily when I experience really difficult emotions.

Me too, I'm recognizing more and more as I go through this that I don't have healthy coping skills to deal with distress. I guess in a way this is sort of a crash course on dealing with, and managing my emotions. Each time it feels a little harder but I'm also forced to deal with it, get through, and make it to the other side.

So this week I'm going to go the extra mile and get some skills in 'distress intolerance'. Reading will help me recognise what is going on and if I read the right stuff I hope to get some tips on how to 'regulate' my emotions.

This is a great idea, I think I should do the same.

Like you this isn't really about wanting to smoke, but about getting rid of my distress. So I'm working on changing my thinking to 'reality acceptance'. That is acceptance that this kind of intense emotional distress is a part of quitting weed and I can be willing to accept it, rather than wilfully getting rid of it.

This is so insightful and so helpful to me right now, thank you so much.

It sounds like you are getting through these rough days and the more rough days you have the more skills you will develop in tolerating them until they start evaporating.

This is a great way to go about looking at it, I tend to go into the disaster response thinking as well, which is not all that healthy. I need to be more accepting of it, accepting it will pass in time, and it's not going to kill me... in fact is giving me opportunities to learn to deal with these kind of emotions that I've been blunting over decades of pot use.

You keep going too, Liz, we'll make it to the other side of this and understand a lot more about our addiction as well as the workings of our sober minds. Thank you again for your kind words of encouragement and your support!

Yikes. Well finally getting a bit of a 'pause' in this depressive streak I've been having. Just posted in a couple of other threads pissing and moaning about how terrible my depression is right now, but it finally seems to be lifting somewhat. It's a relief.

I've got a lot of fear pent up about what I have in store for me. I try not to dwell on it too much, but right now I'm so messed up I can't work, I can't socialize, I can't do ANYTHING really. It's insane. I'm pushing myself when I can, but am just SO down most of the time.

To be honest I don't even know how far into this I really am. I don't remember the last time I smoked, I think... early December but I'm pretty sure I puffed in early January once or twice. So I don't know. I was such a heavy user that the only people I've found that come close to my level of use are Nate, Bagobones, and Transformer. Bagobones and Transformer got to the other side pretty good, but I can only focus on Nate's stuff, and he struggled for almost 3 years.

I can't make others timelines MY timeline, but sometimes reading these boards is inspiring and sometimes it scares the hell out of me. Still early into this, one way or the other, so am hanging in there and hoping that sometime in September I'm more functional than I am right now. I don't expect to be out of the woods, or even seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but any improvement at this point will be meaningful to me, some proof that I am healing.

Going to the Doctor tomorrow to get my feet checked out, have been having some weird problems with them. Hopefully he can get me back on my feet (heh) and I can start getting out for some long walks. I know that'll help some, at least get me active. Lifting weights in my room isn't really doing it for me at the moment.

Anyway, bless you all in your struggles, I know how much this sucks but I have to have faith that at the end of this I'll be able to smile again. Do I expect it all to be unicorns and rainbows because I stopped smoking weed? No, life is life, with all its ups and downs. I just want to smile and laugh again.

Today and this evening hasn't been terrible. Low grade depression, low grade anxiety. Derealisation isn't so great, but I'm dealing with it. It's weird the closer I get to bedtime the better I feel, and the more the derealisation goes down. Don't know what that's about, or if it's common among us new quitters.

Anyway, Doc had no idea what was up with me feet. Got some blood work done, so have to wait until that comes back. Also have to go in for an ultrasound in the next few days, something about small vessel vasculitis in my toes. Never had anything like this before my quit, so don't know if it involves PAWS in anyway, doubt it probably just something I developed. A little spooked out about it, but the Doc didn't seem super-duper concerned. I'll see how that one plays out. I may have to stop vaping nicotine, though which would be a nightmare as I already feel like total sh** and throwing MORE withdrawals at me could just finish me. But if it's between that and losing my feet, well, I'll have to stop vaping.

Anyway, hanging in there, one day at a time.

Girlfriend got me out to do some yoga, have never done it before. Feel pretty good right now, felt SUPER weird with all those people though, but that's just my anxiety at the moment. Anyway, it was good, space alien yoga was interesting. Doing okay, right now, no real anxiety or depression to speak of. Still in my head, still have this DR, but all in all doing pretty good.

You’re DR how would you describe it like how it feels ? I’m curious

I'd describe it like an acid trip. Everything just looks, off. At its worst it's like living in a video game or something, just nothing looks real even though I can see and make out everything, it's not like a hallucination more like everything just seems hazy but totally obvious at the same time, if that makes any sense.

Yeah I’m almost positive I feel like this majority of the time but it’s hard to put into words I find what I find it looks like and feels like if you know what I mean

It freaked my sh** out when it first happened, I just kind of accept it now but hope to God it goes away at some point.

I mostly notice it when I’m like looking at my phone or like watching a movie to be honest but when I’m busy like playing hockey or something I don’t notice it

exstonerinhell wrote:Haven't tried the wellbutrin, propranolol helped with anxiety some. This is the worst sh** in the world, whether I'm in PAWS from the weed or the benzo's, or both, I'm in total hell. Locked in my head, can't access me. I have times where I have emotions and feel comfortable, otherwise I can't do anything. Have no pleasure in doing the things I did before, have no pleasure in anything really. Am hard to be around, can't joke, laugh, or be sociable like I used to. Hate being alone, but don't like being around others either. Just feel like a goddamn space alien.

W/e I'm in withdrawals from, I know it's going to be a while before I start to get better, so hanging in there for the long haul, but today and the past couple months have been BRUTAL.

Right there with ya

exstonerinhell wrote:Yesterday and today have been particularly bad. This is followed up by a couple of days that weren't horrible. I can't believe that this is happening and just want to be me again. I know it's going to take a lot of time and effort on my part, just feeling completely beat down today. Trying to stay positive, but it's hard to find the positivity when you feel like this. It's insane.

Hey exstonerinhell,
Although I did not take benzos and obviously and not withdrawing from them, I can relate to your confusion of where your symptoms are coming from. I take a lot of prescription meds for OHI's and I sometimes wish I knew if it was just weed withdraw or if it's a combination of my meds and the weed withdraw. I can't stop taking some of my prescription meds because it would be life threatening. But it makes me wonder what it would be like to detox as a normal person who doesn't have to take any medication at all. At least that way I would know if I had headaches because of WW (Weed Withdraw) or from PDSE (Prescription Drug Side Effects). I also have been experiencing intense anxiety during random hours of the night; which leads to sleep deprivation, (i.e. irritability), you know how it goes. Can you elaborate on what your anxiety feels like? I'm curious as to how similar our symptoms are.
Although it was our choice to take these substances, at least feeling the symptoms is a way of our body telling us that it is trying to reset itself back to normal in its organic chemical balance.
If you ever need to vent about your symptoms of benzos, weed, or anything else, feel free to contact me.