by MemoryShell » Tue Feb 15, 2022 2:58 am
Thank you all for chiming in.
I already "relapsed" on the caffeine and am smoking cigarettes like a chimney.
I've been living the last six years in a town two hours away from where I'm originally from. I came to this town for community college but what ended up happening was that the first month or so was okay because I wasn't smoking and for the first time I was actually the "class genius." Not hard when you're 29 and most of your colleagues are in their late teens.
The grades my first semester were top-notch.
Then I started smoking heavily again and hanging out with the class stoner. Or, rather, he latched on to me. No one liked him and, frankly, I didn't like him either. He was a negative, no fun allowed, resentful little b*tch that's always angry at everything. At recess he'd always hang around me and because no one wanted to hang around him people backed away from me as well. I wanted to tell him "Dude, just f*ck off" but he was someone I could sell hashish to and, therefore, have my own smokes for free. I always bought in bulk, so for example each gram would cost me 3 euros and I'd sell him each gram for 8. No mercy.
Then I had a couple of episodes where I got too drunk and ended up flirting heavily with a classmate. Worst part is she liked me and whenever I got sober I'd realize I didn't like her the same way and didn't want to hurt her feelings. One birthday party I made a fool of myself, nothing serious, but basically after dinner everyone stopped drinking and I started ordering the whiskies for myself. To avoid any further embarrassment, I removed myself from the party and walked home, where I could drink some more and... you guessed it, smoke some hash. I found myself unable to deal with the shame from acting a fool in those two parties so I started avoiding going to class to avoid my classmates.
Instead of going to class, I'd spend my nights awake until 7 or 8 am (most days until 11 am or later, sometimes 2 or 3 pm) smoking joints, drinking industrial amounts of coffee, and going to bed only when the fatigue became unbearable. Quickly, everyone realized the "class genius" had some issues. I would show up to class once a week, then once a month.
I lied to my parents. They were paying for my tuition, I was telling them "this year will be the last". Meanwhile, I was overwhelmed by how many courses I actually still had to complete. Even if I completed all the courses that year, I'd still have at least one year left. I got struck with paralysis by analysis. I got stuck in my lies and the only way out was being honest. F*ck that. I'll just man up and finish the courses. Except that never happened. I would be riddled with anxiety and guilt and shame and unable to do any real work because I'm pretty sure I have undiagnosed ADHD and then I'd smoke and fap and all the problems would slip away from my conscious mind.
I have spent literal months of my life compulsively playing online 8-ball pool. Like a robot.
I'm already writing too much... I don't want to write a novel here.
Basically two and a half years ago I got a part-time job and that was the last nail in the coffin when it comes to going to class. I usually work from 5pm to 9pm. Go home, smoke joints until 11am, wake up at 4pm in a daze, go to work and repeat. Of course I lied to my parents saying I was still going to college but I had a very intense social phobia and, after a couple of years, I couldn't even look the teachers in the eyes. For the last two years, I went to class maybe five times.
A few months ago I cracked and told my parents everything. Well, almost everything. I didn't tell them about the fact that I still smoke the drug that caused them so much anguish in my teenage years. My mother would cry so much, begging me not to smoke because it would ruin my life. How naive she was. Didn't she know weed cures cancer and depression and is not addictive? I could stop if I wanted to. I just didn't want to. Besides: reefer madness, what about alcohol, brainwashed by Big Pharma, you know the drill...
Then the perfect opportunity presented itself. My parents were about to fly to another country to visit their one-year old granddaughter / my niece for the first time (they were unable to fly due to COVID restrictions) and I was basically like "Hey, you know how you're about to experience the happiest days of your lives? So here's the thing: I've been lying to you for the last five years about going to college. I am going to drop out and focus solely on progressing my career at the supermarket I'm currently working on".
It didn't go well but they had other, better, things on their mind. Needless to say, my parents have zero trust in me now. Zero. I don't blame them.
I won't even dwell on the fact that I had the chance to fly with my family to visit my niece but I preferred to stay home because... well, you guessed it.
In my mind it went like this: I'll get a full-time job, stay in this tiny studio apartment and now I can dedicate my whole life to smoking joints, watching porn, browsing reddit / youtube and playing FIFA. I was comfortable with the mediocrity. Then I quit weed 3 weeks ago and in this short period of time I've already been more productive than in the last six years of my life. I already presented my letter of resignation, applied to another job and got contacted by their HR department. It's also a job at a supermarket, but one particular chain that is known for treating its employees right and paying above all the others.
I'm moving back to my parents' house but I don't want to stay too long. I'm afraid I will regress if I stay too long.
I want to write so much more but I have to stop now... I have so much to write about...
Like the fact that I came to the conclusion that I should just go ahead and quit the "friendship" of over 22 years with my manipulative, raging alcoholic, cocaine-addict, problem gambler "best friend". That selfish bastard who betrayed my trust over and over again but hey... introverts need a plug they can turn to when they want to score drugs and the main dealer is unavailable.
Sorry for writing so much. I'm kinda maniac from all the caffeine. Day 17.