Anger at cat

Dear Dom,

Yes, what a perplexing situation. I have a great deal of experience with Kitties. The closest example from my own life to what you experienced occurred decades ago – my Siamese that I would take for walks took advantage of the ‘let loose on Lizard’ Rule (where I let her off the leash to chase lizards), instead of staying close by, I could see that she wanted to play ‘keep away’. I was terribly worried about her. She never figured out how to cross streets, respective of traffic, and had always relied upon my judgement, but when she was ‘playing’ she might do anything. I caught up with her and gave her a very swift slap on the side and back. Well, I was instantly sorry… it was a bit much… it had come from all the Nervous Tension and Adrenaline from worrying about her. So I apologized. I told her I was very sorry for hitting her, but NO MORE Playing Keep Away. She knows what a WALK is and what a WALK entails, and should need nothing extra. Well, the Apology worked… the Instant Apology. Just like with most ‘quarrels’ one has with a Kitty, most of the time BOTH you and the Cat go out of your way to especially nice to each other.

But it didn’t work out so well with your kitty. Hmmmmm… Cats compartmentalize situations and occurrences, many times by Where they occur… a particular corner of a room… a particular piece of furniture. It is surprising that the Cat has Fixated on You, and not just being in the Car with you. I suppose you didn’t apologize. So many people never apologize to animals. But it is extremely necessary to apologize when an apology is due. The animals are often so small, and they get in the way, and so it is Normal to have a number of accidents where the poor things are accidentally kicked, stepped on, or have something dropped on their heads. This would Terrify a Cat if done with Malice and Forethought, and why should the Kitty think any differently, SO you must Instantly Apologize when these Mistakes happen… and they soon learn the Tone and Meaning of an apology.

Well, the Cat is still staying with you… that’s good news. Many cats have come to me over the years because they had “run away from home”. The Owners find them with me, and of course I give them back, but they always run away again and I find them at my door. Eventually a Deal is made and I get to ‘keep’ the cat. Now, there MUST BE a Reason why these Cats HATE their Owners, enough to want to escape and leave home (and none of these Cats KNEW I was out there to take them him… unless they are psychic or something). What I am saying here is that the Cat would definitely just ‘split’ if it found you TOO unacceptable. Cats are not like Dogs. Dogs will take almost any kind of horrible treatment by a Human Being who acts like an Alpha. But a Cat will wait for the door to be open ‘ a crack’ and be out In a Blur if they think they are no longer in a Thriving Environment (too much Yelling and Discipline, and Not Enough Quality Times.

The Getting a New Cat Idea has its Positive Points. BUT if any of your Friends find out that you caused your former Perfectly Healthy Pet to be Euthanized by the Kennels because you Turned It In for being Unsocial and Unfriendly, when it had been Perfectly Okay until you Beat It Up rather severely… well, Your friends would no longer know quiteknow how to look at you. There would be Talk of just ‘dropping’ you from their Social Circle.

So, I think you should apologize to the Cat. And then you need to give the Cat its Distance, but still try to get close. One ‘trick’ I had for socializing nervous and suspicious cats would be to get as close to them as not to put them on edge, and fall asleep… pretend to fall asleep. Falling Asleep in THEIR Territory shows them that you FEEL safe and comfortable with Them. And Trust is Contagious. If You trust Them, then they Trust You.

But sometimes behaviors can’t be corrected. One of my Old Cats had to go to the Doctors, and then I was required to give it Medicine every day… Medicine the Cat HATED. I made the mistake of giving it its medicine on the Sofa, where I sleep, and used to be a favorite Quality Time Spot. But after the Medicine Ordeal, well, after more than two years, he finally consents to jump up on the Back of the Sofa. But in regards to Quality Times, well, we simply Created New Quality time Rituals. With the Death of several Reigning Alpha Cats in the mean time, this one Particular Cat has Moved Up, and when they Move Up, they tend to want to take over the Dear Departed Kitty’s Quality Time Rituals. So this Particular Cat has taken over the Old Alpha’s Quality Times, and has even resurrected a Game we used to Play when he was a Kitten. So these Things Can Work out if you give them time, patience and love.

Oh, you CAN still get another Cat, BUT don’t get rid of the first one. Tell everyone that you found that you Love Cats so much that you just HAD TO get one more. Get a Little Tom… if you ‘fix them’ when they are young they develop no dirty stinky habits, and then they are the Better Companions. But you might have to be Careful here. Now that I think about it, New Cats in the House do a lot of Monkey See Monkey Do... that is, they look to the Existing House Cats for Clues as to how This New House works -- they listen Language and observe Responses, and they soon come to know the Whole Routine. In every case I can think of, I had always brought New Kitties into a Home where the Existing Kitties were very pleased with me. the New Cat could probably Sense this Trust and Confidence... even affection. I don't know how a New Kitten would react to you, if the Existing Cat seems edgy and uncomfortable around you.

anyway, let me know what you decide and how it works out.

Dont let anger to control you .we as people do bad mistakes in life and animals can do this we must accept this .I know that animals can do bad things sometimes but we dont must beat them as they are only some animals

handheart wrote:Dont let anger to control you .we as people do bad mistakes in life and animals can do this we must accept this .I know that animals can do bad things sometimes but we dont must beat them as they are only some animals

Dear Handheart,

It seems you think both very Highly of Animals, and very Lowly. Your High Opinion is reflected in your wish to not want to Hurt the Poor Things by 'beating' them, but then you show your Low Opinion as you seem to Dismiss the Possibility of ever successfully Disciplining an Animal because they are just (presumably very stupid) animals. But Animals, as many of those from Advanced Civilizations have known for Thousands of Years, can Certainly be Trained. And sometimes it takes Striking an Animal to let it know it has been Wrong. they Understand That. If you are uncertain about it, just observe Behaviors between the Mother Animals and their Offspring... I know for a Fact that Mother Cats will 'Cuff' a 'Bad' Kitten... a 'Cuff' is a kind of a Slap with the Paw, but I think the Nails of the Claws are held in (retracted). Well, when the Kitten grows up and is adopted by a Human Being, since it knows it can't always be perfect, it will Expect a few 'Cuffs' from its new "Mother". Yes, you can overdo it. I find that you only have to Cuff a cat a few times, following the Cuff with a Concise Verbal Explanation ("You Be Good!"), and then soon Just the Verbal Command will be enough.

the Measure of Right or Wrong is probably in the Intent of the Action and amount of Self Control governing the execution of that Action. . If one strikes an animal while Mentally Unbalanced through Anger, then, of course, that is Over the Line.

Ok so I have shown the cat a lot of love, and he has come around to show me affection, he sleeps beside me almost every night. . I have altered his behavior he is timid to play with me, and wont jump up on me anymore. He will bite me when playing then immediately lick me or look to stop playing possibly fearing me. I am much more happy with him, but still have noticed some anger in my thoughts when he is being timid or acting difficult, I have flashes of anger and want to hurt him a little, and find myself grinding my teeth. I have disciplined him about 2 times since then but only have smacked his bottom, except one time when we playing and he ran from me in a flash of anger I grabbed him and threw him on my bed and he accidentally hit my fan, I could tell it might have hurt him, or scared him as he froze up and looked scared.

axisdominance wrote:Ok so I have shown the cat a lot of love, and he has come around to show me affection, he sleeps beside me almost every night. . I have altered his behavior he is timid to play with me, and wont jump up on me anymore. He will bite me when playing then immediately lick me or look to stop playing possibly fearing me. I am much more happy with him, but still have noticed some anger in my thoughts when he is being timid or acting difficult, I have flashes of anger and want to hurt him a little, and find myself grinding my teeth. I have disciplined him about 2 times since then but only have smacked his bottom, except one time when we playing and he ran from me in a flash of anger I grabbed him and threw him on my bed and he accidentally hit my fan, I could tell it might have hurt him, or scared him as he froze up and looked scared.

Dear Ax,

Well, great, you are Working the Problem and I can say you are making Progress. Please let me share a few observations:

1) the Cat is a Young Cat and could quite possibly live more than 20 years. I have 2 Cats that I should tell you about... the First is Foxxy Buddy. He was a strange Feral Cat when I took him In... he had no Fear of anybody, which is more typical of feral cats. I might have thought that he had been Socialized as a Kitten, which is still a possibility, but he is Part Siamese, and at the Same Time he came along, so did a couple of Part Siamese Female Cats, and THEY Definitely were 100% Feral... sneaky, elusive, suspicious and shy. The Case may be that Foxxy was just Naturally what they call "Bold", that is, he was born Fearless... or Fearless until somebody gives him actual cause to worry. But he had Nothing Against Strangers, and this worried me emmensely.... he'd let some Killer Kid just walk up and shoot him between the eyes with a BB Gun. So I took him in. He was my Fourth Cat at the time, and I DID want to Limit to Three. But he came in as a Big Kitten but still well within his first Year. He was a joy to have around. and he played and made friends (for Life) with my other Male Cat, Big Bear (a big fat Full Breed Siamese -- Silver... He was Beautiful!). But while I found Games that he liked to play, he never was much into Quality Time. Only Later did I figure out that in a Multicat Household, that the Subordinate Cats may limit their Expectations of Quality Time in Deference to the Cats with More Social Status. Now, Nine Years Later, Foxxy Buddy is a Virtual Snuggle Bug (and Now he has ALL the Social Status in the World, since he Out Lived his Betters...

Then there is Nora Bora, a Charming Black Female, who is relatively Large for a Female, here on the Islands. Most Cats are Feral and were Raised by Mothers who had only Marginal Food Supplies, so Nobody was very well nourished, and so most Feral Cats are stunted in growth and are a bit Small as Adults.... but since Small, in such Cases, is Most Common Situation with Cats here, any NORMAL Cat seems HUGE. For a while Nora Bora, a FEMALE was actually my longest and tallest Cat --- Big Bear only beat her in Heft!... Being a "Bear". I think I met Nora Bora when she was a Kitten. I had been visiting the Pet Stores in order to help socialize the New Kittens and to help overcome the shyness and reticence of the Older Cats for Sale. I would visit every Afternoon after work and Play with them. the Older Ones might not want to play, BUT, they can't resist Hide and Seek.... you reach into their Cage and Pet them and rough up their fur and give them a few "Thumps" .... ALL so that they will think you are SIMILAR to whoever Owned them before, and THEN you suddenly duck down under their Sight... Disappear.... then after about 5 seconds you make the faintest little 'Animal Sound', and then WAIT a few moments for the Bait to Take. If you Time it Just Right, then when you Pop Up it will be just as the Cat begins to come forward to Investigate. Then I would Let out a Big Joyess Laugh, and the Cat would Realize that SOMEBODY NEW (besides its Last Departed Owner) just Played With Him. So he would begin to look at Every New Person as a Possible Play Mate.

But Nora Bora may have just been one of the many Black Kittens I socialized. I called them "Cage Monkeys" ... they had so much Energy and were so slim and light that they had plenty of Strength for bearing their full weight, and so they spent much of their time in climbing up the Sides of the Cage. To Socialize them, I would just take them one at a time and hold them over my Breast Bone. You See, I had Discovered Something... if I was a PHD in the Field I would Publish It, but if you take a Wild and Disturbed and even VIOLENT 'little' Kitten (while the fur still looks like Kitten Fur -- Pinfeathers and Such.. and not smoothed back like Adult Cat Fur), well, as soon as you press them onto your Breast Bone they Hear your Heart Beating, and THIS apparently Kicks In an Inhibition to any violence... any Biting or Clawing.... BECAUSE, I suspect, that this is when they might Still be Nursing on their Mother, and so they have an INSTINCTIVE Mechanism in their list of Instincts to keep them from doing ANYTHING that might harm the Mother Cat. But a Heart is a Heart is a Heart. Those Crazy Hissy and Spitting 'little' kittens that I grab and Slam into my Breast Bone... well, the Pacification of Instinct is Instantaneous. It works every time... but... the trick is to be able to judge the Borderline between a 'little' kitten and one who had outgrown the instinct and will try to rip your heart out and eat it! the Devil is Always in the details, isn't it?

anyway, Nora Bora was probably one of a Litter of Kittens who were both a Joy and a Disappointment to me. I would go into the Pet Store and while 20 feet from the Cage make one of my Animal Noises... the Kitten would all look up and go on Alert and Climb the Side of the Cage closest to me. Who wouldn't Love that. I would take each kitten and hold it on my breast bone and stroke it and give it little kisses... and they would each LOVE IT for about 7 seconds and then Wiggle as though to say they had enough for one day. Well, I could have used a few more seconds of THEIR quality time...

anyway, when I got Nora Bora she was a Big Runaway Kitten... kept escaping from her Owner and would come out side and try to Join my Feral Cat Feeding Station... I think she might have recognized my Loud Animal Noise that I would use to summon all the Feral Cats for Feeding Time... it was like the Pet Store Noise, only Louder. I made arrangements with the Owner and took her in. but while she was a Great Cat, still she was pleased with just a few seconds of Quality Time a day. but now, 8 years later... that Cat is a Virtual Nuisance for Affection!

So, with Cats, it often takes Time.... Years!

Now, with Yourself... I hope you have notice that your TEETH GRINDING is a Sure Sign of Immanent Anger. This is WHEN you should Alert to It and go into Full Relax Mode. For Myself, it is when I clench my Jaw. If you pay attention you might notice that you yourself Clench Your Jaw before you Grind your Teeth. The Sooner you Catch the Onset of Anger, the easier it is to Stop It. You see, the Process starts with the release of Adrenaline and it all happens quickly after that, BUT Fractions of a Second DO matter. I have found that I can completely and easily shut down Anger if I Jump In just as I first clench my teeth.

Anyway, just keep Trying to be Good, and I am sure you will Figure Out the Way.

Things have been getting better, but in all honesty there have been several times have hurt the cat in the last month. I have acted out of frustration if the cat crys when I hold him, I have noticed when I bite down and tense my mouth when dealing with him, and many times I am able to diffuses the situation in my mind before hurt the cat. When I say hurt I dont him in the head, but I may slap him on the rear, flick his nose or base of his ear with my finger, or stress him out for a minute by holding him like a cradled baby, grab him by the scruff or grip his throat with a medium grip, I do this before putting him in a private room for a timeout (more for me than for him) He has affection for me, but is mostly distant, this is causing me to grow more resentful. I will be socially punished by friends and family if I get rid of him for any reason, I dont want to tell them I hurt the cat and think its best if I get rid of him, I really want to start over with a new kitten and never make the original mistake of striking him and making it fearful of me that caused this aweful situation.

axisdominance wrote:....I do this before putting him in a private room for a timeout (more for me than for him).

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He has affection for me, but is mostly distant, this is causing me to grow more resentful. I will be socially punished by friends and family if I get rid of him for any reason, I dont want to tell them I hurt the cat and think its best if I get rid of him, I really want to start over with a new kitten and never make the original mistake of striking him and making it fearful of me that caused this aweful situation.

Dear Ax,

Oh No! Not Time Outs! Not for Cats! Correct Discipline for a Cat is the Same Discipline the Mother Cat would use -- A Mother Cat would Cuff the Kitten on its head and make it cringe, but since our 'Paws' are so much larger, I think it more proper and safe to Thump them very firmly close to the Rump so that their Hind Legs can absorb most of the blow. and THEN, it IS OVER... That Very Micro-Second! The CAT KNOWs it has been Bad... that Cat doesn't have to Think About It for a While (its not so Over Complicated in the Head like Human Beings and so a Cat's Thinking gets Straight to the Nitty Gritty in No Time. Then I typically transition immediately to our usual conversation and showing them Quality time. this shows them that they were Bad but that there are no Lasting Grudges. You WHOLE problem with your little cat was making it think there were LASTING GRUDGES.


Oh, and then there is the Problem with Cats and Space. Every Situation, for a Cat, has its Setting. The Location and Setting, to the Cat's Mind, is perhaps the Largest and Most Important Detail in whatever occurred. SO moving the Cat to a NEW Location to Punish It... well, THAT CAT WILL HAVE NO IDEA WHY IT IS BEING PUNISHED IN THAT NEW LOCATION... to the Cat it is a Fresh Location and therefore a Completely Separate Situation... Its Mind essentially RESET once you moved it to a new room, or even to a new corner in the present room. I learned this in a funny way. Decades ago I got this Little Character of a Female Chocolate Siamese, and I had heard you could take Siamese Cats for Walks, and so I put a leash on her and took her outside. Well, She planted her little butt like a Stubborn Mule and refused to go anywhere, despite my urging and my rather significant (for her) tugs on the leash. Then, somehow, the Intuitions from years of amateur Behaviorism inspired me with a Thought and so I reached down and picked up Bogger (strange name, but that Cat was a Bogger for some irrational reason) and just put her down 20 feet away. Voila! She started Walking. It was like I was struck by Spiritual Lightning! I suddenly understood how Cats Relate to Space and Time. Time is Nothing. Space is Everything.

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Now in regards to your contemplations of getting a new cat...

Okay, just between you and me. First I will have to tell how I can think such Terrible Things as I am about to suggest to you. Now I am in my Golden Years, that is, too weak and fragile to do anything very active, but just a few decades ago I was an Active Feline Volunteer. One of my most successful and enjoyable Projects was my Feral Cat Feeding Stations. It had its Grand and Sublime Moments, but I saw a lot of Death. Indeed, in all of my Volunteering, there was a lot of Death. Cats are ALWAYS dying. It is the Very Lucky Cats that get Owners that keep them safely indoors whereby the cats can live pampered and happy for upwards of 20 years. Most Cats in the Wild die before they reach 4. Its just TOO Tough Out There. And then there are the Thousands of Cats that Each Kennel 'euthanizes' because they can't find homes for them.

All that being said... Well, (God Forgive Me) All of this Trouble, after all, WAS your Little Kitties Fault. IT was the one who first ran away and was naughty. So what happens Subsequently is Its Own Doing. So, take that Cat of yours, and to give it a fair chance, take it to the local Kennel... or ask around... IF you live in a Really Civilized Community you will find No Kill Cat Shelters and No Kill Cat Rescue Operations. If you don't want to answer any questions, just put the Cat in a Pet Carrier, walk into the place, put the carrier gently down on the floor (blow it a Kiss would be a sweet gesture), then turn around, go back to your car and drive away.... don't say anything and don't let anybody stop you. After a few minutes the Smart Ones will KNOW exactly what just happened... and the Stupid ones would not understand even if you explained.

what do you tell your Friends? Well, I recently had a very sad Experience. A relatively young cat... the House Alpha... the Queen Cat of the House, well, the poor thing just Fell Over Dead. I loved that cat... it WAS the Last Cat of the Feral Cat Feeding Stations... BB Guns had become a Popular Christmas Present for the young thoughtless and irresponsible boys of the locale (by the way, so much for People Being Naturally Good), and my poor cats had all been hunted down and shot like 'dogs'. but Betty, had learned what a BB Gun sounds like from 300 yards away, and would slink away and become invisible. But when she was the Last One Standing, I kicked her Butt IN.... I didn't put out her food and so she came to my door.... I held the door open, and she was curious and took a step closer to get a better look inside, and that is when I KICKED her into my house... hard enough so that I had time so I could get in the door myself and then slam it before she could regain traction and run out again. I thought that she would Hate It. but She Loved It. then she took one look at my 6 other cats and thought they were all a bunch of Pussy Cats and so She Took Over. I loved that Thing.

But! Cats sometimes just Drop Over Dead! (Betty had probably been 'shot' once or a few times and some Eventual Complication from some Wound, or having a BB floating around loose inside of her, killed her). So, make up Your Story. tell the Story to yourself a Hundred Times. tell the Story to yourself So Many Times that you Start to Believe it Yourself. think of the Story Emotionally, like your naughty cat had been 'Blue' your favorite Pony, all so that when you tell your Story, you can't help but Choke Up and Get Tears in your Eyes. Carry a clean cotton handkerchief. Incase your friends don't notice you crying, well, drying your eyes with a clean white cotton handkerchief will be enough to clue them in. Then tell your friends that since losing Your Best Little Friend had so broken your heart that you decided to get another Kitten Right Away.

Do you got Money? Get a Siamese. Great Cats! They are very Vocal (a huge range of Vocalizations are possible to a Siamese, where ordinary Domestics can just say "meow") but they will eventually Respond Correctly to "Shut Up"... but, if you have House Guests, it would be better to train Siamese Cats to "Be Good, Be Quiet". and get a Little Tom Cat... a Boy. Yes, girl cats are Great, but the boys DO make Wonderful Companion Cats. As the years go by a Siamese will actually come over to you at Quality Time and talk and murmur affectionately to you... nothing sweeter on God's Green Earth!

that's not the cat fault, that's not even your fault and to be honest it won't go with a new kitten either. I think that if you really want to achieve something then you have to become friends again with this kitten because this would mean that you would be able to control your anger. your cat doesn't want to cuddle, to purr etc. because he feels that you're angry at him, I'm damn sure that he sees the differences in how you look at him, how you pet him etc. that's why he's afraid of you now, that's why he doesn't want to play anymore. he feels your anger. when you're going to stop being angry at him, when you're going to be the "previous" you it would mean that you got over the anger, that you're more powerful than the anger inside of you. It requires a lot of time and techniques doing so and that's why I suggest you to start your learning today. and I suggest you becoming friends with that kitten again only because in this way you can prove to yourself and everybody else that you are able to manage your anger, if you won't then I'm sorry but you really need to get some professional help about anger management, IMO

Weitzel wrote:that's not the cat fault, that's not even your fault and to be honest it won't go with a new kitten either. I think that if you really want to achieve something then you have to become friends again with this kitten because this would mean that you would be able to control your anger. your cat doesn't want to cuddle, to purr etc. because he feels that you're angry at him, I'm damn sure that he sees the differences in how you look at him, how you pet him etc. that's why he's afraid of you now, that's why he doesn't want to play anymore. he feels your anger. when you're going to stop being angry at him, when you're going to be the "previous" you it would mean that you got over the anger, that you're more powerful than the anger inside of you. It requires a lot of time and techniques doing so and that's why I suggest you to start your learning today. and I suggest you becoming friends with that kitten again only because in this way you can prove to yourself and everybody else that you are able to manage your anger, if you won't then I'm sorry but you really need to get some professional help about anger management, IMO

Dear Weitzel,

Do you Know about Cats, or are you Guessing? I think you are Applying the "How Life Ought To Be" Rules to the Matter, when, Really, if the Truth matters to you at all, well, I think that Poor Little Cat has already been Thoroughly, and Repeatedly, exposed to Negative Conditioning that will have a Lasting Effect. If you had read the Other Replies, you have seen the one where it was Mentioned that another Poor Kitty was once 'accidentally' exposed to Negative Conditioning, and that Years Later, with All the Love in the World, that Cat STILL avoids Similar Situations. Also, I have a Feral Cat that was taught, apparently the Way All ferals are taught by their Mothers, that it is Allowable to accept Quality Time Gestures from a Human Being, but minimize direct contact with any Human Body (they will accept Pets and Thumps and Scratches behind the Ear, but will NOT jump up on a lap or Sleep on your chest. Therefore, knowing what I KNOW about Cats (and not just Thinking How Life SHOULD Be) I think that Early Conditioning is Conditioning that Lasts. So the Little Kitten we all care so much about has effectively been turned into a Permanent Little Nervous Wreck.

Now, yes, of course, my Worry would be that if our Original Poster would not Thoroughly Rehabilitate Himself before getting a New Kitten, and he Continues to be Overly Fretful, Over-dependent, and Much Too Angry About It, well, letting Him get a New Kitten would likely result in His Traumatizing the New Kitten just as he Traumatized the Old Kitten. If this Pattern were allowed to continue, well, He could end up leaving behind a Trail of Kittens that the Local Pounds would have to "Put To Sleep" because Our Friend had conditioned them to be mostly Unfit for Agreeable Human Companionship -- turned Healthy Beautiful Little Babies into Packages of Damaged Goods...

you need to understand the animal, you don't try to humanize the animal

the cat has its own ways, the dog has its own ways,
if you hit them for house brake, they don't understand what you mean , they are no human,

but that is what makes them special to have because they are no human, they are a challenge , you respect the way they are, you love the way they are, you don't try to humanize them

if you want a human, friend you go make a human friend you don't take a cat and expect it be a human, you take a cat and respect it as a cat

you have so many forums online, so many information online you can discuss with different people of your experiences, your goals and stuff like that and so you guys discuss about it what is that you have to do, so you can accomplish what you want

how beautiful are the cats, I love all the pets I used to have birds, cats, fish, dogs, I just don't go for the ones like snakes because I am afraid of I get bitten, I don't go for something I don't understand, I love those that I am a little more familiar with, and know what to expect from them

I don't get frustrated if a dog comes jumps on me, I know its a dog I respect as a dog, I respect its excitement and whatsoever dogs do

I think you should learn how to have positive experience with the cat , you take pictures, you take him with you around, you enjoy something and so you create that friendship, you start to love exactly as it is , as a cat, you don't humanize