Firstly I want to thank everyone here on uncommon forum.
I had an addiction diary here on this forum 10 years ago to help me stop smoking weed and cigarettes. I wrote in it everyday for many months which was critical in helping me stop.
I have not touched these substances for over 10 years now all thanks to this forum. My only “substance addiction” now a days is green tea.
I also want to thank Leo Volont I have read a lot of his material in the last 2 weeks or so and appreciate the no nonsense way he writes about Anger – it resonates with me deeply.
I have been trying the jaw relaxation technique to prevent the cortisol flow with varying degrees of success.
I am not sure if my current issues belong in this section I am sorry if they should be elsewhere but I am going to start here.
About 6 years ago I met my partner. I probably (more like definitely) wasn’t the best boyfriend and would always get angry over the smallest things. To cut a long story short she threatened to leave several times which forced me to look deep within.
I have had several serious relationships and it suddenly occurred to me that every woman told me the same thing before they left. That I was completely crazy and prone to getting angry at the smallest things. I always thought it was them that were the crazy ones because they did not do what I wanted them to.
I finally realised 6 years ago that it was probably ME with the problem (and my expectations of them) and not everyone else.
I started looking into spirituality and other self help material which helped a lot. I did the Wim Hof method then I went real deep and attended several Vipassana retreats where I spent 10 days in complete silence observing my sensations. I even kept up a 2 hours a day meditation practice for 2 years.
Things have gotten much much better and all these things (especially the Vipassana) have helped immensely. I am a much more calm person now and I can’t remember the last time I shouted or raised my voice. I think it’s probably been a few years.
So why am I here?!!
Even though things have become a lot better between my partner and I, I still get very angry when it comes to sex. Especially if it doesn’t happen.
I won’t necessarily shout at her but I will be verbally abusive and start asking her about her ex-boyfriends and why they got more sex than I do and also say a lot of other nasty things. I now realise a lot of these things I am doing are coercive and manipulating her into having sex with me by trying to make her feel bad about not having sex with me.
It probably doesn’t sound serious (maybe it does) but it has resulted in her getting extremely stressed out and she works herself up to the point where she will start hitting herself if these arguments we have about sex escalate.
Sometimes she gives in and we have sex, sometimes she gets really angry I am putting pressure on her to have sex and she won’t talk to me for 2-3 days, which makes me even more angry. As that’s another 2-3 days without sex.
I don’t expect to have sex everyday, but 1 or 2 times a week seems to be kind of where I feel satisfied.
I wrote the above text about 2 weeks ago and never got round to posting it. I have been reading more and more of the forum and in particular Leo Volont’s material because I have noticed meditation and the other techniques I mentioned above have only taken me so far. In the heat of the moment (what I now understand to be cortisol release) the intensity is so high, the meditation goes out the window, I need something more constructive to keep me in check in those moments.
Since writing the above out 2 weeks ago and trying out some more of the techniques (relaxing my jaw and breathing) things have gotten a lot better. To be honest I think just writing about all this stuff has helped me a lot just like writing in my weed diary here ten years ago helped me immensely. The more consistency I got not smoking the easier it became to quit. Writing about it keeps it fresh in my memory.
I would love so much to quit my anger completely in the same way I quit smoking cigarettes and weed and be the that “chilled guy” that Leo Volont talks about. The one employees pretend to hate in interviews but is actually the most productive/efficient employee.
Things were getting bad again 2 weeks ago until I wrote this out and started working hard on backing off a bit. I allowed my partner some space to be the one to make the move when it comes to sex and just being the “chilled out guy”. It has worked wonders we have had sex 3 times in 2 days (4/5 times this week) and she seems to want me a lot more the more I have backed off.
I really love this woman she is unbelievable and I feel very strongly that we should only have sex when it is 100% what we both want and not just coerced or done to keep me happy. I do realise my past behaviours (getting angry at her for not having sex were very wrong and just coercive. No one should do something, especially as penetrative as sex unless they 100% want to.)
Bottom line - things are in a really good place right now but I am worried I will stuff things up again and I want to be mentally prepared for times where she doesn’t want to have sex with me for a while (say a week or more – which seems to be my absolute tolerance) and I don’t get angry at her but instead act like mr cool and just say hey no worries no big deal whenever you are ready we can do it.
Same for all situations really. Obviously there is a little spillover into our relationship where we can bicker or argue a little over small things but I have noticed the last 2 weeks with a more laid back approach she has calmed down quick and in fact jumped me (sex or even kissing) when she realised I was not getting defensive or arguing back but instead trying to see things from her perspective and understanding why she may be angry at me over something. I have taken a much more passive approach if she gets angry at me and just let her vent, not said much back apart from hey I understand etc.
My biggest worry is maintaining this “cool guy” approach and not letting anything perturb me. The last 2 weeks have been the most wonderful of my life and best in any relationship but how can I maintain this level when all I have known is the opposite for so long.
Perhaps for now just writing here regularly will help to remind me that there really is no benefit to retaliation, getting angry or reacting negatively. Absolutely no benefit. In fact the rewards of being cool calm and collected are amazing I have seen that already.
also there is no place at all for me to apply any pressure on any woman to have sex. Unacceptable.
If anyone has any techniques or small things that help to keep this laid back “cool guy” level I would be open to exploring.
Thanks for listening to my jumbled up rant.
Jack