The Aftermath Of Anger

Hi,
My thing is, I have let my anger ruin much of my life. Looking back, I am shocked at how many times I have hurt those around me through my outbursts. It has led to the realisation that I do not live as happy a life as I would if I had acted a different way. Now, I even fear for my life, afraid that people I have hurt emotionally may physically hurt me. Especially as I talked to a guy who said he has a crew of people who he has used to maime those who have hurt him. Like he hired someone to make someone in his life get into a car accident. Similarly, a friend of mine has talked about stabbing people who have hurt people. He has that “they have it coming” mentality. In fact, a lot of people seem to have that mentality in this current paradigm.
I feel like I am making myself the victim when I say this. When you put Karma out there, you can't complain when it comes back around. But I’m also confused as to how to respond to karma. How do I respond to feeling like I’ve become a loser from being a jerk to those around me? I don’t want to be a loser, I once had very big dreams. Huge dreams, I wanted to do so much with my life. Im only 20. But in the fields I have pursued (theatre mainly), I have been unprofessional, hard to work with, Karren-energy. I now can work with people, and am actually quite agreeable as I’ve learned from my past. When someone is impatient I just cooperate and hear them out. I also think my angry demeanor came from feeling self-important, and I have since learned to humble myself and not be competitive. However, this improvement doesn't really matter. Because if people talk about how much of a nightmare I was in high school theatre, people wouldn't want to hire me. Because I was an entitled, nightmare. Also, I may have improved, but I am still bad at accepting accountability for my past. I’m sure people don't want to hear “my life is horrible because of my own actions,” but honestly that’s where I’m at. And it still is a hard thing to go through, even if it’s kind of cringe.
My question isnt about how to deal with anger itself. My question is how do I cope with all of the horrible karma I set up for myself? I am paranoid of people harming me, afraid I can’t pursue my dreams, afraid I’ll never love or be happy, and live a generally miserable/isolated life. Perhaps I deserve this, and if I do, I want to be at peace and not use narcissism and manipulation to weasel my way out. Some people ruin their lives, and sie la vie I guess that's me teeheehee.
Currently, I don't get angry at people in my school, but I get very mad at my mom. I don't blow up, but she makes my life so stressful, and every time I'm around her I fight visceral hate I feel for her. She works from home so I hear her yelling at the top of her lungs on phone calls as she talks to clients. Sometimes I wake up to her having these extremely loud conversations. She also moans when she eats her foods, uses baby voice often, and just gives me a real ick. Again I do not blow up at her, but it’s so hard to pretend to love her when I’m struggling not to show how grossed out I am by her. I also realize that hating your mom is very cringe, and misogyny is disgusting and wrong. I believe both of these things, but that does not hide the dislike I feel for her. I think she’s an amazing person and does not deserve to live with someone who judges her constantly. If I were in a relationship like this, I would just walk away. I would never continue to be with someone I can't stand, but financially I have to until I can afford to move to the city.
So yeah, acceptance of bad Karma, having your big dreams die, being a cringe white male who hates their mom. Miserable, insufferable, prick. Oh also I am kind of talented but everything I do feels so trash garbage because it’s associated with me. Lol, also self-hatred can be so self-indulgent, it certainly is a tool to shift the attention from your actions to your shame. Another thing I read is that only 7% of manipulative people change. It said that it is extremely rare and near impossible. This makes me feel so hopeless. If anger fuelled people are destined to be that way, what hope do I have for others? What hope do I have for myself? Or maybe that's the point, that we get eradicated, moral natural selection. ****.

Also, my haters must be rejoicing at my downfall. I'm happy 4 them.