Lolo927 wrote:I've always had a temper, but over the last year or so my outbursts have gotten to the point where it's affecting my marriage. I'm a 22 year old female, and have what I like to call homocidal irritation. I don't know why it happens, and I am beyond desperate on ideas with how to control it.
For example, if my cat won't stop moaning at night.... I'm not a little frustrated, I want to chase that cat down and smack him until he's too scared to meow again. If someone chews with their mouth open... I don't just say 'wow that's gross', I literally cannot be in the same room with them without wanting to scream at them. Etc.
Now do I do these things? Of course not. But it's constantly in my head, and I'm constantly depressed and stressed out because of it. And my husband loves me, but my attitude stresses him out too, especially when it's towards the cats which it often is.
I've been on Lexapro for about a month now (which my mom has been on for like 10 years and it helps her), but so far If anything It has made things worse. I'm using my 'as needed' Xanax on a daily basis, sometimes double what I'm suppose to take. I've tried all the cliche 'take a deep breath' or 'count to 10' type of things I just can't.
I've thought about getting therapy, but our insurance doesn't cover it right now, and from whay I've read online it doesn't sound like I can change the insurance until November. So online forums is the only thing I could think of, and this is my first attempt.
I need help. I really really need help, before I finally snap and do some of these things that happen in my head, and I get myself in deep trouble. Please? Any advice?
Wow! Lolo!
You’re going to be a Handful, that’s for sure.
You put me in mind of what I have been telling People here, that people GET Angry, they don’t FEEL Angry. Anger is an Action. What Drives and Motivates these Angry Actions is HATE. We Hate Stuff! You HATE it when Cats yowl in the middle of the night. You HATE people chewing with their mouths open. Your problem is that you HATE a lot of stuff that happens All The Time. The GOOD thing is that you have not killed that many Cats up to now, or strangled that many people. But the Hateful Impulses that you have to use So Much Energy to Suppress and Inhibit, well it has you worn down and frustrated.
You are a perfectionist?, aren’t you. I bet you are a little bit OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). You WANT a Perfect World… you have always wanted a Perfect World. Maybe when you think back, you can actually sort of remember when everything WAS Perfect. Well, the Mind has a Trick. When I was in the Army, I noticed something. Everyone HATED going out to the Field. Tents, Dirt, Guard Duty, Bad Food… etc. But then, after the Exercise, everyone would come back with all these Happy Stories… the Field This… the Field That… It seems that Most People have a kind of Survival Mechanism in their Brain…. They Consciously Remember all the Good Stuff. Now, deep down, they still Shudder and Cringe when the “Field” is mentioned as a Future Plan. Future Bad… Past Good… that is how the Mind works.
Now, I used to react a bit like yourself…. Nothing as extreme as what you mention, except in a few isolated cases. The trick is to stop caring… to not give a rat’s southern exposure about any of that stuff. One thing that helped me, in a Funny Way is Meditation. No Wait! It’s FUNNY because Meditation Consistently Does Not Work. For instance, the neighbors doing Karaoke Singing really badly was disturbing my Math Studies and Naps, so, KNOWING THAT MEDITATION NEVER WORKS, I decided to Focus with One Mind and Full Concentration on the Bad Singing, and, sure enough, My Mind wondered off to other things. I have learned to do it with Old Man Pain. If something Hurts, then I Meditate on It with Total One Mind Focus, and, sure enough, I can Never Pay attention for that long, and because I was Focusing On It, I was able to drift away from the Pain. The Trick to Meditation is that it Does Not Work. The Real Result is that you should Focus on the Things that you want to Ignore. If you try to ignore them, well, you can’t. It is like the Guru who told his new Followers to not think of Purple Elephants. As long as they tried NOT to think of Purple Elephants, that was all they could think of. But, when they set themselves to Meditate on Purple Elephants, soon their minds wondered.
So… and this is just provisional thinking…. Your case is really very challenging… do not OVER STRESS on trying to Ignore What Bothers you. Get Into It and try to Focus on it… and if you are anything like me (yes, OCD) you will find that when you TRY to Concentrate on what Irritates you… your Mind will wonder, just like it always does for everything else….
Well, I hope that was not all too sorry. I will put my Thinking Cap on and try to think of something that really mighty help…. Until then, be brave, and keep it together Girl!