23 months paws - suicidal thoughts.

**Posts:** 132 · by **thegreatdane** » Fri Dec 13, 2019 4:19 pm

Coming up on 23 months paws from weed. Quit a major porn addiction too around the same time and have had 3-4 relapses, but no weed relapses. This isnt the person i used to be anymore. I cannot function socially anymore, i have huge social anxiety since quitting weed and porn. I have lost the ability to love and cry and laugh. It happens VERY rarely. In these 2 years i have maybe had 4-5 "good" days where i felt better. Its heartbreaking, and im not looking for sympathy, but i made a promise to keep updating when i joined this site. My whole life has been on PAUSE, cannot work, cannot talk to girls, cannot make friends. Its horrible

I have talked to a bunch of guys who have recovered from paws but it usually happens in 2-3 years and now im almost at 2 years with zero improvement. I have tried therapy, i have tried meditation, diet, everything. But my brain is severely damaged and i feel like its permanent. This is not a way to live. Im gonna give it 1 more year and if it doesnt get better i might have to call it quits for this life, because a life full of suffering makes no sense to me. A life where i cant get a single good emotion and always have this heavy cloud of depression and social anxiety in front of me isnt a life worth living. A life where i cant make friends anymore and cant connect with everyone. This sucks man, i have been praying to god a lot and hoping for a miracle to happen in the coming months. Lets see. This is purely chemical in my brain, no thoughts can change how i feel. Anti depressents are out of the window, these will just mess me up even more in the long run. I have very strong opinions about the medical industry, so that is not an option.

See you at the next update

**Posts:** 298 · by **biohack9** » Fri Dec 13, 2019 11:07 pm

Wow, sorry to hear this! Seriously, ZERO improvement since the start? That's hard to believe, but it really does sound like you have some underlying issues or perhaps your usage has triggered some mental health issues, and you were masking it by self medicating?

Not sure why you would ever want to call it quits, wouldn't you just rather go back to weed and/or porn?

Not sure i'd have the patience to go three years when i'm at three months barely and have no happiness whatsoever and horrible sleep, fatigue, and zero desire to engage in life whatsoever. The depression sucks, but I know at least i'm early in the progress. 2 years though....damn... I can't even imagine it.

Keep going through hell, you'll eventually see the other side!

**Posts:** 67 · by **Head in loud** » Sat Dec 14, 2019 1:44 am

hello greatDan ,
I’m 17 1/2 months in and I feel exact the same. My main issue is racing thoughts, ringing sound in my ears when I wake up or when I go to bed which is getting louder and louder and DP//DR. I also think I have permanently damaged my brain and will never get better. I don’t remember any good day but I can never think of suicide. For first it is selfish and cowardice. You have suffered 23 months and that proves you are no coward. Hang on there brother, I’m 100000% sure you will get better. 3 years or 3 and half years...our brain is self correcting machine..it takes time but it will restore itself. Coming Monday I will start fasting...I heard so much good things about it and will give it a try. I would suggest you look into Fasting.
If you feel like talking anytime, I’m here. Never forget you are a strong and able! You have put 23 months and can do another 23 months if required!

**Posts:** 213 · by **Cthompson21** » Sat Dec 14, 2019 3:35 am

I feel your pain and I wish I had something to say to make it better. Maybe listen to these guys. I'm so sorry.

**Posts:** 132 · by **thegreatdane** » Sat Dec 14, 2019 4:44 am

In general i feel unchanged. Sometimes i have 1 or 2 days where i actually start to feel good and start to feel improvement. But they dissapear rather quickly. I know for a fact that this is my addictions who have done this, i didnt feel this bad before i got addicted to these things. Perhaps something underlying, but i have worked with it and nothing seems to help. Its purely neurological i know for a fact. 2yearsquit story is the only thing that keeps me going at the moment

**Posts:** 298 · by **biohack9** » Sat Dec 14, 2019 3:14 pm

Not sure how long you used or when you started, but we also change over time and are not the same person as yesterday. It's quite likely that you have developed a mental condition through this time, or just your brain changed over time especially with the addiction. You have no other options other than allowing your brain the time to rewire back to what it can be. It may never be the same as before, you have to accept that, and it's likely there could be other factors in your life that are causing you distress. You're right though, it's hard to see ahead, and the anecdotes here give HOPE after time that it CAN get MUCH better even for those that have been in your shoes, and worse. I read one that took FIVE YEARS for the depression to lift!

Otherwise again, you may have mental health issues and are unmedicated and need SOMETHING, either pharma or cannabis, in order to enjoy and get the most out of life. I personally think cannabis is far better than pharma poisons myself, but micro dosing infrequently would be the only way, with CBD rich strains IMO.

Have you taken cold showers regularly? Considered keto or carnivore diet? High intensity training? Sauna? Swimming? Talk therapy? CBT?

**Posts:** 132 · by **thegreatdane** » Sat Dec 14, 2019 3:29 pm

Yes that is the hard cold reality that im maybe starting to accept. I have done all of these things and nothing changes how i feel, the paws is always there. As i said every time that i quit weed before the paws hit i would feel amazing, so that gives me hope that its "just" paws. I have read lots of 2-3 years paws stories even tho its rare. Can you link that 5 year post to me by any chance? I cant wait 3 more years, that is out of the question. I have missed so much of my life due to paws and addictions.

**Posts:** 298 · by **biohack9** » Sat Dec 14, 2019 7:14 pm

It was actually from another forum, I think Reddit/Leaves, just an anecdote that was someone's buddy. That does seem extreme, and it's hard to pinpoint the exact real reasons but I feel ya, I would rather just accept it and go back to moderate cannabis consumption and enjoy life.

I felt pretty awesome mentally other than the physical symptoms when I quit for about 6-8 weeks, and then the mental torment started. I seem to see a pattern though and it's linked to my sleep quality. When I have crazy dreams the next day is harsh, but last night even though I kept waking up I didn't have/remember dreams and today I feel normal.

I'm also starting to think I get a crappy sleep with dreams whenever I do the sauna or hot yoga, perhaps it's releasing more metabolites out of my fat tissues. Or it's just totally random and I sleep better every other night.

I've started a new diet (keto) with fasting, and determined to get lean again and start doing more exercise, especially first thing in the morning on an empty stomach.

**Posts:** 132 · by **thegreatdane** » Sun Dec 15, 2019 3:57 am

I will never go back to weed brother, i have simply come to far. Weed is what made me have all those symptoms in the first place, i felt horrible when i was addicted and smoked weed, would never go back to that. Good luck on the raw keto diet, i have started One meal a day just recently. So i fast for 22-23 hours everyday. Have been tough so far! The brain benefits of fasting is insane so ill see if it helps in the long run.

**Posts:** 298 · by **biohack9** » Sun Dec 15, 2019 4:42 am

I just think that weed is better than suicide, but hey it's your life!

Not raw keto, just ultra low carb and/or Carnivore. I do the OMAD as well and love it.... I have a slightly larger window though and have only gone 21-22 hours... felt amazing once I got through the morning hunger pangs as my body continues to fat adapt. You're right, the mental benefits are amazing!

**Posts:** 328 · by **SparkleFly12** » Sun Dec 15, 2019 7:29 am

Im really sorry you are still feeling so shitty, GreatDane. I hope your third year brings you relief.

I do have to agree with @Biohack. I think living a pothead life is better than no life at all. Hell, I was pretty content with my pothead life, weren't you? I know, a sober life is better in so many ways and I would prefer it 1000%. But I do know that there are some life-changing things that, if they happened to me, I would go back to being a pothead. These are the kind of things that would make me seriously consider suicide, but I have thought about it and I do think id get enough happiness out of being a pothead to make life worth living.

I also know you have a negative view of modern healthcare - I do too. The "theres a pill for that" solution for all problems is stupid. But I do think that is another route you should consider if you are still feeling miserable after your third year. I know its hard to go against what you believe; but things are not black and white. Yes, psychoactive drugs are over prescribed and not necessary in most cases. But I do still think that if your options are taking a drug or taking your life, the drug should be your choice.

Hang in there man. Enjoy the good days when they come. And stay strong on the sh** days. You will get better in time.

**Posts:** 132 · by **thegreatdane** » Sun Dec 15, 2019 9:20 am

Thanks man. I will defiently see what the third year will bring. And yes i liked getting high, but when i wasnt high i was a mess. There was a reason that i quit weed, never going back to that sh**. I wanna live a fulfilling life where im passionate, motivated, have a direction and feel good with myself. There is no "mediocore" way for me. Either im doing it or im not doing it. Lets see what happens.

**Posts:** 298 · by **biohack9** » Sun Dec 15, 2019 2:44 pm

thegreatdane wrote: I wanna live a fulfilling life where im passionate, motivated, have a direction and feel good with myself.

We all do, but it doesn't mean we all do. It's possible this goes far beyond cannabis, and you need to put the effort into other areas of your life. Otherwise you have a mental illness, like so many others in this world (often undiagnosed), and are basically paddling upstream with a severe handicap that is invisible.

Like Sparkle indicated, you may eventually come to a crossroads in that next year, and need to decide whether pharmaceuticals could help you. If not, then back to cannabis regularly (my preferred and safest option IMO) but like all drugs there are pros/cons and side effects especially if abused. The way pharmas often work for this is trial and error, constantly increasing dosages, reaching tolerance, switching meds, etc. With cannabis, you might be okay with the same dosage, or not, switching strains, finding what works best for you.

The other options are just to continue living in perpetual misery, or like you said game over and on to the next life. We all have choices and free will in this game of life, and often times we make the wrong ones, But we always have the opportunity to change and make for a better life. Sometimes I think this entire experience is all just one massive test.

**Posts:** 132 · by **thegreatdane** » Sun Dec 15, 2019 4:33 pm

It still doesnt explain why i would feel amazing every time i quit my addictions before paws hit. And the fact that i had zero social anxiety before starting my addictions. Surely its gotta be PAWS. Ill let you know how it goes.

**Posts:** 298 · by **biohack9** » Sun Dec 15, 2019 7:05 pm

The amazing feeling is the "honeymoon period", when your brain isn't flooded with so much dopamine. Happens to me every time I quit too, but surely it doesn't last. You still have the drug in your system, but the fog kind of lifts from the constant daily bombardment. As for the social anxiety, that may depend on what age you started and how long you used for as you are a different person now, and will continue to change. Not doubting that it's PAWS, but just trying to be realistic that it's also possible that it very well might not be. Looking forward to hearing about your progress.

I seem to be getting a stoned feeling from fasting after about 18 hours on nothing but water, so i'm thinking I still have these pesky metabolites in my system.

23 months paws - suicidal thoughts.

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