I am not a native English speaker, so, with all the apoligies, I would like to start my short-bit boring problem.
Some time ago I was in depression, I was lost. There were too many things, too many futures, voices in my head, what parents except from me, what the world and how I respond them. What would I like to do, did Kierkegaard knew that? I did stand up, and told myself, I am gonna make my life absolute, I am alive. I am in a magnificently huge universe, I am nothing but the uiverse. So I escaped. Left everything behind, my ex girlfriend, my education, all my friends, everything I got. I came to Iceland, to start a new life, I am not sure why I choose here, but my instincs told me that it is going to be amazing. Since I came to this country, I started using my second name which I never let people call me as, and I simply started learning everything from beginning. I have completely changed. I always had anger problems, now when I feel a bit nervous, I take a deep breathe, and focus the air comes through my lungs as meditation taught me, and remember that I am alive. Then I smile, and accept everything happened in the past. I am for some people "the most calm person ever" they met. I remember how I did act my girlfriends, now completely opposite. I truly don't care what they think about me, I just say what I think and be completely honest, and not feeling jealous of them, anyway we can not "have" people. We can only share the life together if they also ask for it. So everytime I am with her, everysecond, I am appericiated to universe letting me experience what is love. It was not me. It's a strange feeling, My problem is written so far already complicated and mixed little bit, just like my mind, so I am not sure If I can explain it very good; I feel like me, now, was feeding inside old me and finally escaped. I kind of did beat my trauvmas, childhood, pains and cut through them, threw them out of my life, I had to be still the same kid, the world, humans, psychology should not affect me. I have the ability and genetics of surviving from my ancestors, I would somehow survive, since they survived.
I truly wanted to change, and did work hard for it, I carried a notebook and wrote my bad habbits there, what I should have said yesterday and didn't to not do it again in the future, anyway I will forget and continue living there is no need to hurt other people feelings or make drama. Now, I am happy by being who am I. But, the personality I left behind, the voice,face, my first name, is still somewhere there. Few days ago I really got mad to someone and lost myself, while I was talking with myself I said, "Are they really want to meet with real me?"
Small things let me discover my journey out of myself, for example when I talk to my ex girlfriend, whome I didn't write for years because I was angry and disappointed of of myself that I gave such love for nothing, sacreficed etc. Now I don't feel any of those things, I ask how she is, if she is okay and happy, then there is nothing to talk about, nothing to remember from past and affect now, as a first message, I told her how ignorant I was and acted her in a way that I shouldn't, I didn't even remember what she did to me, doesn't matter I thought. What matter is what I have done. Now, I feel like I seperated my consicuosness being and human being, and I let my consicuosness take the control.
But there is something still wrong, old me, who loved the darkest rooms, the nightlife, cigarettes, alcohol, still there, and I feel it. I completely act his opposite, I lost weight, choose a healthy life, I do excersise, haven't got drunk since a year. I can control myself. But this change... My entire life, since childhood, I never wanted to sleep. Because stars were there, shining and are alive. The moon was happy, so was I. I lied to myself, it wasn't the night itself I did love, it was the silence in the streets, people were sleeping and I was safe. my whole life, I stayed awake during nights, and woke up as late as I could. I always had problems of not attending the school, work because of my night habbits. Now? I want to wake up early to see the sun, breathe and do my yoga. First thing I go to work, see my oldest college(70yr) and I hug her, and say "today is beutiful.". Last year, same day I kept telling myself, "Another shitty day, just like yesterday."
The problem is, I don't think about past now, sometimes future. Mostly now. Since I focus on now, and anytime my brain reminds me past, I realize how far I did change, and realize that it terrifies me at the same time, makes me proud of myself and I am doing good, I asked for it, and got it. Then this feeling comes... Am I insane? Am I losing myself? If this is a stance of a psychological sickness, what would it be?
Do you think am I actually not changed, just tricking myself? Or acting like I have changed, but actually aware of everything?