am i a crazy person or is this pocd? : childhood mistakes

this post might be long but it would be more than anything to me if you could read this and share your thoughts.

so there are two main incidents that mainly contributes to daily suffering pocd. so i have already talked about it in another post and i will just copy past it here.

so one of the main reason for my pocd is my childhood sexual experimentation when i was 11-13so i have already posted about the incident and i will past it here again

so when i was around 11-13, i experimented with my little sister. she was like 6-8 years old then. i know this sounds disguising . i know. i don't know how many times i thought of commiting suicide. i am sorry if someone found this disturbing. so basically my sister sat on my lap and was drawing. after some time she slept while sitting. i suddenly noticed that she was not wearing any undergarment inside her frock. that was the first time i saw a lady part that close. i don't know how to react. i suddenly start to touch it and then start to masturbate myself thinking i am touching a adult women's privates.. i know it sounds disguising and i am a piece of sh** who should rot in hell. but i promise, i never thinked of the circumstances or how much morally bad it is. even though i was 11 or 12 , i will never say what i did was right. this thing hurts me daily. i am having a severe ptsd because of this. each time my sister talks to me nicely or do something , i cry a lot asking how was i able to do something to my sister like this. i love my sister to death and i cannot belive i did that

so my main fear includes the fear of losing control and the fear of harming some child for my sexual satisfaction. i don't know how to react to these thoughts. i still remember of the mindset i had when i did that to my sister and it still freaks me out. remembering what i did then makes me feel like it won't take much time for me to do it again. i never want to do anything like that. but sometimes i get some reasons and urges to molest a kid. i never got those before. now whenever i see a little girl, i remember what i did to my sister and it freaks me out. when ever i see a little girl wearing a skirt , suddenly i remember what i did to my sister and i will get the mindset that i had then and it really freaks me out. i don't know what should i do. i don't know how to react to thest thoughts. a lot of people says i am seeking a lot of reassurance which is not good for me so probably this is my last post and honestly i would really appreciate if anyone having similar experience help me.

i am never planning to marry . no girl deserves a monster like me. i really don't want to hurt my own children or sexually abuse them. but these intrusive thoughts i have makes me feel like i do want to. i don't know how to react if i see a kid naked. do anyone have any idea of euthanasia for pocd? i cannot do this anymore and i cannot afford a theraphy too

also i am a 18yo male and never fantasized children in sexual way



so next comes some main incidents that keep saying me that these were the proof that i am a pedophile in denial



so i remember last year there was a little girl who live next to my house came to my house and asked me help for her homework. she was like 9 years old. i was 17 then i guess. so when she came to me, and asked for help, my mom told me to take her to my room to teach her as there was construction work going outside my area. so we both gone into my room after going into my room, that little girl asked me to close the door as it was noisy outside. suddenly i said no to it. because i felt even it is a little girl it is inappropriate to be alone with her in a room closed. i don't know why i thought like that. but now i feel like i said her to keep the door open because i was scared that i would abuse her. i mean i never thinked of kids sexually but if i thinked that it is inappropriate to be in room with a little girl, does that mean i am a person who can sexualize children? I really don't know weather my experimentation plays a role in this. but why did i said her to open the door? was i scared that i might cause harm to her?



also this is not the first time incidents like this happen. i remember if i played with a kid, i will be very careful even i should not accedentlly touch their private parts in anyway. i will never leave myself with kids alone. i always thought that it is inappropriate to be like that.

i never felt comfortable if a person carries kids in a inappropriate way. for example if a person carry his kid by grabbing the butt, i would feel very uncomfortable and inappropriate.

now all this things makes me feel that i am a crazy person. i don't what i am anymore. i mean if i am normal person, i would've not felt uncomfortable with a little girl in room locked right? so does that mean i don't have any belief on myself? what in the world am i ? i know a pedophile would have persistent sexual intrest in children. but in my case i never sexualized or fantazised children sexually. i found the idea itself as gross. what in the world am i ? am i even a human? does this some kind of disorder? what in the world am i ? it this is a disorder, does this has a name? am i a sicko? am i even deserve to live ? i really cannot afford a theraphist to go to them.

also i really don't know what kind of psycologist should i go to? should i go to a ocd specalist or a general counselling psycologist? i don't know



i know asking for reassurance is not going to help. but atleast this one time can someone please tell me what is wrong with me exactly? is there any way out of this other than suicide?