ssvk3 wrote:I am a very angry person. I look at my past and I don't seem to actually understand what and where it went wrong. But I don't want to ever go into details of that with myself or with anybody else. The big reason is, it doesn't matter. I am here now, I have this moment to live now. I can not worry about what happened in the past, how miserable my life was, what other did to me and what I DID TO OTHERS, and how troubled my soul is now, and has been so far and will probably be in future, BUT I have myself for just this moment and it's slipping out of my hand, even as I am writing this post.
All I know is if my voice is not heard, I always raise my voice, which ignites this fire inside of me, and my heart races and my eyes are all red, and I feel miserable in my the moment and all my past experiences of shame, guilt, frustration and anger, panic attack and silent abuses just came rushing back in that one moment that changes the very person I am. I reach a level of insanity which is horrible.
This is what happens:
1. I raise my voice, my partner raises his.
2. He totally dismisses my points, I shout even more
3. He blames me for anything and everything, I shout even more
4. He tells me I am mental and need treatment, I shout even more, back blaming him and telling him he are the one to blame for my condition, I shout even more.
We both go ignorant to our kids when we are shouting at each other. This never happened before my entire life. We had our misunderstanding and distrusts with each other, but we were keeping some distance with kids.
I blame him for everything and anything, I know in my heart that it's not true. But the anger makes it so much worse. He knows he is not always right but its so much worse for us when nobody can do anything in these circumstances and ANGER takes over each and everything.
I did meditation for last two days.
1. As soon as the anger rise, I see it and talk to it and call it out.
>> But I practiced it while my husband is not in the house. I don't know if this is going to work when he is in house.
2. I need to see myself from the eyes of my kids.
>> They get frightened and confused and will behave the same way they see me behaving in situations like the one I am facing.
>> How do I want them to behave and see the world if in future they are ever in my situation.
3. Knowing the big picture might help too.
>> If this fight is worth it or not in the long run than it's better to just give up right now and talk to your anger saying, it's not worth the efforts, not worth raising your voice, do what's right, if others don't like it, to hell with others, do the RIGHT thing, do good for yourself and for your kids, forget others.
>>>Know that you always have a right to say no or right to walk out or right to get out of the situation.
>>> You are not bad for walking out if you know walking out is going to make things better. It's right for you to take charge of your life and feel good and happy.
>>> You are not trapped. Your kids will be happier to see you happy rather sad.
>>> It's not all on you.
TRYING TO SELF HELP MYSLEF, Please throw in your suggestions to help me make things better at home.
Dear Ssvk
First let me comment on your writing… it reads like Poetry! I was really impressed. But, Writing very poetically means TWO Things – that you are very intelligent, AND that you are largely driven by your emotions, or at least that you are very sensitive emotionally. The Intelligence we can Work With, But the Sensitivity is a Blessing and a Curse. In a Perfect World It would be a very good thing, but when it’s the Case that Life is a Battlefield, well, you don’t have much Armor – your sensitivity makes you ‘Thin Skinned’ so to speak. But I am sure you must know that already. Indeed, reading your Post you seem to KNOW a lot that you should KNOW in order to confront your Anger.
But I am fairly sure that it seems to you as though the Anger has been Sneaking Up on You, taking you totally by Surprise, and that you then Lose Control. Well, I have a TIP that will help with that. It’s practically a Given Fact that ALL Loud Screaming ‘Out of Control’ Anger is Adrenaline Driven. The Thing about Adrenaline is that it only takes a Few Seconds for the Adrenal Glands to pump enough Adrenaline into the Blood System to put you into a Real Intense Adrenaline Rush. Once you or Under the Influence of Full Scale Adrenaline Rush your options for Self Control are Very Limited. The Best Athletes and Marshal Artists LOVE Adrenaline because they have worked with It long enough so that their Emotions are not affected, BUT their Intellect is to a large extent By-Passed and the Adrenaline engages their Athletic and Muscle Skills almost Directly – the Athlete then does Everything Right without Thinking About It, and with great Strength and Clarity of Purpose. So Adrenaline can be a Very Good Thing. But it is not Good when it’s Not Invited. Now, remember what I said about it only takes “A Few Seconds” for the Body to release a Significant Amount of Adrenaline into the Blood Stream. Well, Most People think that they INSTANTANEOUSLY GO CRAZY, which means that they missed the WARNING SIGN.
Remember This, it is Very Important. THE FIRST INDICATION THAT ADRENALINE IS BEING RELEASED IS THAT YOUR TEETH WILL CLENCH. Or you Jaw Muscles will tense up (it seems that the jaw muscles are the First Stop in the Blood Circulatory System from the Adrenal Glands). Anyway, AT THAT PRECISE MOMENT you can Shut Down the Adrenaline Release if you Simply Just Unclench Your Teeth and Relax your Jaw Muscles. Remember that you have less than little more than a Second to Recognize the Teeth Clenching and then to Consciously Relax, BUT Once You Become Aware of this Mechanism, it becomes EASY to Recognize. STOPPING an Adrenaline Rush becomes, with Practice, almost like a Reflex. I have four very naughty Kitty Cats and so I have a lot of practice in Shutting Down Angry Adrenaline. I don’t even have to Think About It Anymore, I just react by Reflex and shut it down. Practice Made Perfect!
If you can Control your Adrenaline then you can Remain Calm in the Face of Anything.
Oh, and if you are an Athlete and want to practice Training with Adrenaline, well, all it takes is a little Pin, that is, if you Hate little Pins. For me, just the Idea of stabbing my thumb with a Pin initiates a bit of an Adrenaline Rush, and then I can Play Music which comes out with a sound of both great precision AND spontaneity. As I said, Adrenaline is only Bad when it comes Uninvited.
So, Ssvk, let me know if this Idea appeals to you. Of course, Anger Management is full of Neat Little Tricks which it would be useful for you to learn. But we will take it one at a time, no?