huge rage issues (partner)

**Posts:** 6 · by **JuliaMaple** » Mon Apr 25, 2016 12:03 pm

I am a 31 year old woman and have a partner that has anger problems.
He is a very gently person, but he has lots of frustration and anger about things that happened before I met him. In example is his ex wife, the person he had his two sons with. She is a horrible person and to this day she tries to make his life miserable. Because of his sons there is really no way out.

There are also other things probably, but this is the most noticeable for me.

We are both gentle people, and everything else goes wonderful, but his rage issues is killing us. I don't know what to do.

Certain things trigger his anger and for some reason one of them is when I am sad or worried by something. I worry about my mother for example, or about my chronic illness. Every once in a while, I just break down a bit and can get a bit down and teary.
I turn to him then, just for some warmth or an arm around my shoulders, or something like that.

But usually his reaction to it is stress and anger. He stresses out, and then starts angrily naming all the troubles he has in his life. The focus goes to his list of problems and he gets more and more frustrated while he is naming all of it. Its a form of serious self pity, he drowns in it at some point. He says things like: "nothing is right, everything in my life is stuck, I am up against the wall, when it goes on like this I will crash myself with my car" etc. He pretty much thinks his whole life is horrible then. Which is not true, but he cannot see it different in that moment.
I try to calm him but nothing helps, he listens to nothing.
His voice gets louder and louder, angrier and angrier.
At some point I ask him to calm himself, and to please not do that again. I feel weak in such a moment, I was already a bit sad or tired, and then he begins is cycle of rage towards me. I cannot carry that.

When I tell him to calm, he gets enraged even more, shouting and completely stressing out. Sometimes he stands up and stamps his feet or rushes to the kitchen to throw something there. He growls loudly and sometimes yells extremely hard at me to 'stop, just stop'. This makes me angry at him, because I really do not do anything to make him so enraged. I tell him to stop shouting at me at once and talk to me normal, but he will only become more furious.

The more I say to him, the more extreme his anger and rage will become. I get scared of him when he is like that. His body language is very aggressive.
I sometimes just stand there and stare at him in disbelieve. Its completely outrageous, I did not do anything to him. When I get really scared I leave the house for a couple of hours, even when its the middle of the night.
I often break down and cry which makes him rage even more, it really hurts.
He will slam doors and rush out of the house and throw things in the shed.
Its completely ridiculous.

30 minutes later he is calm again and comes back, says nothing and sits down next to me to put his arm around me. He says no sorry, but he tries to solve it with his arm. The first times I tried to talk with him, but this can cause his complete frustrated rage to return. And also, he will often act as if I caused the rage, which is completely unfair in my eyes. I just turn to him for support, nothing more. I should be able to do that.

So now, I say nothing anymore, out of fear that it will cause something nasty again. We sometimes sit like that for an hour or so and then he wants to go to bed.
He usually sleeps within 30 minutes and I lay awake for hours and hours.
The next day I am completely depressed and I feel locked in, lonely and unable to talk with him. He has to work so he goes and that is it.

I cannot talk with him, or turn to him with my troubles. Because he has old issues that cause him to go onto crazy rage.
He never beats or harms me physically by the way. But he does harm himself. One time he lifted the side table and slammed it against his head about 10 times, until it actually broke.
I was very very close to leaving him right then and there. I demanded him to stop but of course he did not stop.
Afterwards (the day after) I told him to get help, I told him our relationship would not work if keeps doing this. I cannot deal with that.
He said he does not believe that therapists can help and that everyone gets angry sometimes. ... as if it was something normal to do.

The oddest thing about it is that he really is a gentle person. He is very reasonable, honest and always very careful with the feelings of people around him. When he is not in rage, he is the sweetest person.
I do not understand why it happens, I asked him and he just says that I go on for too long. But really,.. I don't,.. it can all happen in 5 minutes and I am very careful because I 'hate' his rage. I fear it.
So I do not go on for too long, I actually tiptoe around the house and try to do everything that might lower his stress level.

He says its not healthy that I tiptoe, and am not myself, he sees it. But I cannot stop as long as he will fall into rage so easily.

His ex wife is the biggest issue at the moment. she actually kicked out her 15 year old son, who lives with us now. He has autism, and is very sad because his mom does not want him back. My partner feels very angry about that, he cannot believe how harsh she is. His son is not that difficult, he is a normally functioning child, his autism is barely noticeable. He is just being a teenager a bit.

I do not know what to do. I feel like a small bird inside a tornado sometimes. I cannot deal with it anymore, but I do not want to lose him either.

**Posts:** 6 · by **JuliaMaple** » Mon Apr 25, 2016 12:13 pm

Yesterday his rage was triggered because his ex wife caused our vacation to be ruined. We cannot go anymore because of her. She planned loads of things for her youngest son, while she knew we would go on vacation all together. We cannot dissapoint the youngest son by telling him that he cannot do these things. So we stay home.
She does these things all the time, on purpose. When we plan something fun or relaxing for all of us, she will try to mess it up, every single time. My partner has been experiencing this for the past 10 years and cannot deal with it anymore.

Also we we found out that while she said she was trying to get the conversation with her oldest son going, she really has done 'nothing' in the past weeks. She literally does not want him back. And it hurts him badly.

My partner got into his frustration 'my whole life is crap' modus and said "honestly, when I see her and I am in my car, I will just drive over her'.

I was just sitting next to him and looked at him, I told him that I do not want him to even think things like that. I 'hate' aggression, I am the opposite of aggression. I do not want him to say things like that, or think it.
Of course he is angry, I get it, I really do. And I tell him that.
But when he says things like that I just want to cry. And it makes me instantly consider leaving him. The negative load of all of it is just so large and heavy.

I told him I do not want him to think that or say it, and he started naming all the things she had done to him, as if I did not know or understand that already.
I asked him to stop it and that I understood it already, and there the whole rage issue started.
I kept telling him to stop shouting at me and that it was not me that caused his anger, its not my fault. Its not me.
But it had no use.
He cannot stop himself.

**Posts:** 1152 · by **Leo Volont** » Mon Apr 25, 2016 1:41 pm

Dear JuliaMaple,

Sometimes it is difficult to know where to start.

First, you are taking his Side against his Ex-Wife, which seems reasonable. But have you two girls actually went out and had a talk – go to dinner in a decent restaurant and have a few glasses of chardonnay and talk things over. You might find out that she has her reasons for being such a horrible person… that her ex-husband in part drove her to it. Now, yes, if she were a Saint, she would behave so much the better, BUT, it sounds to me like her Ex-Husband was a bit of a Hand Full, …. And YOU are beginning to see just what that might mean.

Secondly, Angry Crazy People that Go Completely Berserk are NOT ‘gentle’ people. Read your post. When you are describing your boyfriend and what he does, this is not a description of a ‘gentle person’ – it is a description of an Angry Crazy Berserk Madman.

If you made enemies with the Ex-wife, well, apologize and come to a Truce. You two need to talk. You need to know whether just being with him puts you in Danger. He Could Be Abusive. He just has not hit you YET. The Ex-Wife will know.

Personally, I think you Know Enough already. You need plan your escape. If you are living with this guy, then you need to find new accommodations, even if it is Your Place, but you need to get away for a while. Plan your move. You need to have enough time to get yourself and your stuff out. Don’t Tell Him. If he IS an Abuser and he has not abused you YET, it ALWAYS happens when you try to Break Up. So don’t confront him about it. Just Split. No forwarding address. If he bothers you at work, but a Restraining Order.

I don’t see that you have any other choice. Do you? Would you actually want to Live with that Nut Job for the rest of your life?

Of course, you could suggest he go into Therapy. But therapy takes a while to kick in. If you really love him and he really loves you, you can give him an Ultimatum – he goes into Therapy, and you get Doctor Reports every six months to find out his recovery status. BUT, you will NOT see him alone for two years. This Guy is not going to be an Easy Cure. Two Years will only make a dent in His Size Problem, but if he sticks with the Program for Two Years, then that means he is Serious and will Follow Through with the rest.

But, it would probably be easier to just dump that guy as so much bad news and old baggage, and find yourself a boyfriend who really is gentle… although, I am a bit puzzled…. I just have never experienced the fact of any woman actually being attracted to ‘gentleness’ in a man. Yes, it is one of those ‘Mr. Right’ qualities, but not one of those factors that actually create a positive urge … you know what I mean.

Find a Secure Guy that is sure of himself and doesn’t seem to worry about stuff. Of course, such a guy won’t worry much about You either, but that is a good thing. If he can ‘take you or leave you’ then he will never have a reason to hurt you, will he?

Anyway, good luck.

**Posts:** 58 · by **betawarrior** » Tue Apr 26, 2016 12:13 am

Julia,

Wow. You are going through a lot. I really feel for you here.

One of the main problems I see here is your fear. The fact that you feel like a "small bird inside a tornado" tells me that you feel completely powerless here. And I know the feeling. I too am not an aggressive person, and when someone is upset or angry, I get very tense. I like peace and harmony, not anger.

But it's very important that you not see yourself as helpless here. It won't do you or him any good. And this mentality that he has these incredible Hulk moments that make him so terrifying is only going to make your relationship worse.

The first step, I believe, is to accept his anger. The reason why he is angry is because he actually feels helpless himself. He feels like he doesn't have control over a situation that he thought he had or should have control over. In your relationship, for example, he believes that he should be able to make you happy. So when you are sad or worried, then he realizes he is not able to make you happy and this shows him that he actually has little control over the relationship. He starts to feel helpless where (he thinks) he should not be.

Your first step is to accept that he feels this way, and feels this way often. Part of this probably has to do with his ex-wife. He was in a relationship with someone who was probably never happy in the relationship, no matter what he tried to do. Part of it may also be parental. Perhaps he has a mother who was never satisfied with him. Either way, you have to accept his anger as part of him. And most likely it will not be going away.

The next step is to not take responsibility for his anger. You can't change his anger, but you can certainly choose not to deal with it, especially if you have your own problems to deal with. If he ever gets in a rage again, what I would do if I were you is tell him, "Look, I understand that you're angry right now and feeling bad, but I am not comfortable talking to you when you're like this. I don't feel safe. If you can't stop acting like this, I'm going to leave the room." Then, if he doesn't calm down, then you follow through and leave the room. After doing this a few times, he will get the hint that such behavior is not okay with you and will most likely curb his rage.

Doing this makes it clear to him that it's not his anger that is bothering you - it's his behavior. Accepting his anger without accepting his angry behavior is KEY to dealing with this issue. It's showing him that he can deal with his emotions without having to make you feel miserable.

And if he can't do this, then you have to decide whether it's worth staying in the relationship.

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Tue Apr 26, 2016 12:54 am

His ex wife is not the issue. If his ex wife was not around, he would still be angry at the world.

You are making excuses to rationalize that he is so gentle. You come up with all sorts of reasons to explain away his anger. Why?

Domestic violence is a cycle. It can be emotional or physical. Your partner does not know how to deal with life. When faced with stress he will always get angry, regardless of an ex wife. This means you will be the target sometimes of these outbursts. It is a way he tries to gain control in his world and you will be on the receiving end as long as you allow it.

Why do you stay in an abusive relationship, that is the real question? Why would you ever allow yourself to be treated this way?

Bottom line, instead of looking at your partner and instead of looking towards his ex wife, first you need to look at yourself.

**Posts:** 6 · by **JuliaMaple** » Tue Apr 26, 2016 6:46 am

To Richard and Leo,
I understand your responses very well, and your concern. I can see very well how my story above can give you both a black and white view (a black view).

But truly, even if you cannot understand it, a person can be a gentle person but still be an angry person at the same time. He did not have these moods years ago, it started when his burnout started. He is emotionally stuck and lost.

His ex wife is not someone I can talk with, she has a narcissistic personality disorder and she lies constantly. When I first met her I had all intention to have good contact with her but its not possible when she lies constantly. She lies about the kids, about her family, about her work, its really quite weird.
Her personality disorder grew stronger through the years, before it was less difficult to deal with but now its impossible to talk to her normally. She will laugh at you and mock you and tell lies. Later on you find out it where lies, of course you do not know it when she tells them.
One time she made the oldest son kneel for her, which was the last straw for me. I am not open to her anymore. She is addicted to having power over people, and plays games to get what she wants. She lies, pulls her kids down (mocking them sometimes) and so on.
The only 'one' reason I would still go to her to have a conversation is when it is about the kids, and something they need.

----

@betawarrior,

The first step, I believe, is to accept his anger. The reason why he is angry is because he actually feels helpless himself. He feels like he doesn't have control over a situation that he thought he had or should have control over. In your relationship, for example, he believes that he should be able to make you happy. So when you are sad or worried, then he realizes he is not able to make you happy and this shows him that he actually has little control over the relationship. He starts to feel helpless where (he thinks) he should not be.

You hit the spot here. I think this is very true. His anger happens because he thinks he is failing to give me a good life. Whenever I have pain or sadness, he will behave as if it is his mistake or his fault. While usually it is not at all his fault, its mostly out of his control. Like for example my chronic physical problems.
Whenever I complain about something (that is not in his power) he will feel as if it is his mistake, and respond as if I critique him. While sometimes you just complain about how your body is tired or about other general things. Its not his fault.
Its a problem, because I cannot 'always' be the happy girl. I am human too. But you are very right, this is often the reason, I can see it happening in him. He acts as if all my problems are his fault.

Your first step is to accept that he feels this way, and feels this way often. Part of this probably has to do with his ex-wife. He was in a relationship with someone who was probably never happy in the relationship, no matter what he tried to do. Part of it may also be parental. Perhaps he has a mother who was never satisfied with him. Either way, you have to accept his anger as part of him. And most likely it will not be going away.

That's true also, his ex wife and his mother are both the type of people that will 'never' (ever) be happy with what you do for them. They always see bad things in you even when you try so hard to do it right. Even towards me his mother is like that. When you visit there she will 'always' call afterwards to say something she was unhappy about. Which is also a trigger for him sometimes, when she critiques me. When she does it to him nothing happens but when she calls me so say negative things about the flowers that I gave or the food that we had, he gets really angry.
He was the only child and there has been little warmth I believe. She does not seem to understand who he is at all and I believe his ex-wife was like that too.
I understand these things have shaped him, I hope though that he will learn to see that I am different. I see him, care about him and love him. He has to allow himself to know that, and be certain of it. Also, he has to stop getting angry whenever I face some difficulties, its not his fault, his doing. I can solve things myself too. (also with his mother)

"Look, I understand that you're angry right now and feeling bad, but I am not comfortable talking to you when you're like this. I don't feel safe. If you can't stop acting like this, I'm going to leave the room."

I feel this is a really good suggestion.
I actually sort of try this already but as I burst to tears, the effect of it is gone. Its better to be completely calm instead, with a steady and not too loud voice. Being steady and calm can help the other to calm as well. Its a personal learning point for me, to not become scared.
I really do think he would never touch me, he would rather hurt himself. He does not want to harm me.
So, that means that I do not have to be scared. I just need to walk away and tell him why in a calm way.
I hope I can manage to do that.

These rage moments do not happen that often by the way. The past two weeks they did happen often (three times), but in the 6 months before none of them happened.
It was maybe twice a year before.
But when it does happen, its completely over the top. The biggest triggers are overall stress, tiredness, lack of sleep, stress at work, his ex-wife playing games with him, his ex-wife playing games with his kids(!), his mother, and when I am not ok in some way.

**Posts:** 58 · by **betawarrior** » Tue Apr 26, 2016 11:28 am

JuliaMaple wrote:I understand these things have shaped him, I hope though that he will learn to see that I am different. I see him, care about him and love him. He has to allow himself to know that, and be certain of it. Also, he has to stop getting angry whenever I face some difficulties, its not his fault, his doing. I can solve things myself too. (also with his mother)

When I say that it's a part of him, I don't mean that he can't change. I just mean that YOU should accept it as if it is a part of him. With his will and your support, he can definitely make huge improvements. But I think it's important that you do not hold onto what you think your partner could be, but that you hold onto who he actually is. If you do want him to change, then the first step is to accept him for who he is.

Once you're able to accept him - gentleness and rage and all - then the desire to change will come. But a key factor in all this is your ability to accept him without accepting his behavior. Is he allowed to be angry? Yes. Everyone is allowed to feel however they want to feel. But is he allowed to try to manipulate you into feeling bad for him? No. You don't deserve that, and it's important that you stand up against that behavior, or else the relationship will deteriorate.

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Tue Apr 26, 2016 12:21 pm

JuliaMaple wrote:But truly, even if you cannot understand it, a person can be a gentle person but still be an angry person at the same time. He did not have these moods years ago, it started when his burnout started. He is emotionally stuck and lost.

JuliaMaple, I have dealt with hundreds of domestic abuse cases. The partner is always a gentle person, a great and wonderful guy, except when they abuse the person they are with. It is very normal as that is the cycle of abuse.

-1- Honeymoon phase: all is great. The man is a gentle, perfect partner.

-2- Tension phase: stress builds. Without coping skills, the world is the problem. In your case the ex wife seems to be a focal point.

-3- Abuse: a physical or emotional outburst. Anger, crying, physical and/or emotional pain are inflicted.

-4- Make up: you can call this the apology phase or remorse phase. He feels bad, he puts his arm around you and promises to do better.

Back to phase -1- as the cycle continues.

YOU need to focus on what is going on with YOU. You need to stop focusing on the ex wife and stop focusing on him and instead ask yourself why YOU are a person that allows yourself to go through this cycle again and again and again.

Why do you think you allow yourself to go through the cycle of abuse?

**Posts:** 1152 · by **Leo Volont** » Tue Apr 26, 2016 1:26 pm

Hi Everybody,

Wow! Richard has really hit his stride. So on target, and yet so economical and concise. With me, well, everything seems to be a long story.

... and here is one of my 'long stories', but I will try to keep it short.

It is about Guys Always Being Nice and Sweet when you First Meet Them. Everyone Really needs to know what that IS. It is DATING BEHAVIOR. Mothers teach it to little boys, and then fathers teach it to little boys (correcting the parts that Mom gets wrong). Your friends tell you about it. Your first dates, when you are young, tell you when you are not being a 'Good Date'. Dating Behavior is really Drilled In to guys. Guys are made to believe that unless they are Really Good at Dating Behavior then it is reasonably certain that they will die as virgins.

So, nearly every guy is reasonably good at Dating Behavior, and dating behavior is Absolutely Phony. all the Niceness is not Real. Guys are just Jumping through the Hoop in order to improve the odds on not dying a virgin.

and it is not just Young Men who do it. When I was in my 40ies I had a friend, a psychologist in fact (for a State Corrections Facility... what a horrible job that must be!). Even he gave me the talk about Dating Behavior!

I found that Dating Behavior backfires. Girls like it when you are Nice and so they are nice too. And while I enjoy 'having a few laughs' with a lady, at that time in my life I started to be more cautious about getting into committed relationships, and the Way That Works is that if you have a Certain Number of Good Dates, eventually one is supposed to decide whether to Take it to the Next Level, or not. But, if everyone is Acting.... yes ACTING... Nice, then how do you Really Know whether you want a Commitment?

So I solved the problem by NOT being Nice... or rather, no nicer than I usually am. I was myself. I would spend within my budget... even telling the lady what that budget was.... as, indeed, for some women, it is a serious Factor about how much Money the Guy Makes, and so you might as well, get that out of the way as soon as possible. If the Movie or Show was good, I would say so, but if it was bad, I would complain... just like normal. I had some ladies actually tell me on a first date that I wasn't behaving very 'nice', and it would make me laugh... they must have thought I was crazy. "Well, I guess we don't have to worry about "taking that next big step, huh".

But many of the women I dated sort of liked and felt comfortable with my "See what you Get" approach, and they didn't have to worry about me just 'playing' them... or if I was 'playing' them, well, I was taking it to a Whole Different Level than they were used to from other guys... whose only trick is to sniff around and act nice.

So, Point of the Story, ... Just because a guy is Nice when you first meet him, well, he might deserve an Academy Award, but there is really No Telling what he is really like... unless you can figure out how to sneak up on him when he is not looking, or hang close by when he is with his friends... if you can 'back ground' yourself long enough and he forgets you are there, you could perhaps catch a glimpse of the Real Him being a real jerk around his stupid buddies.

Oh, and who is that with the Other Advice... what was it exactly.... let me remember... "And if your boyfriend picks up a hatchet and is about to bludgeon you to death with it, well, you tell him in a firm voice that you find that simply unacceptable, and if you do not lose too much blood first, you will absolutely insist upon leaving the room". Wow! what great advice! what confidence. he or she really needs to be a Lion Tamer for a while... and figure out what the Whip and Chair are for.

**Posts:** 6 · by **JuliaMaple** » Wed Apr 27, 2016 8:28 am

Richard,
I agree abuse situations are often a cycle, and when there is actual abuse, one should leave. This is not the case though, he never touches me.
What 'is' the case (and please focus on the actual truths instead of projecting fantasy horror stories and abuse stories) is that I have a partner that is emotionally drained and frustrated to the core.
This is a psychological emotional problem, that everyone can have. It will show itself different in each person, but any human on the planet can have this problem when too much happens.
I do not make up excuses for him by saying this, I simply look at the core of it. The reason.

Also, you mentioned that the cause is not his ex-wife because 'she is not here'.
In truth, she is.
She is in our lives every single day, lives two streets away and mingles herself in his life every day. So, she 'is' here.
All the time.
She is not 'the' single cause, but definitely a trigger. As I have put it before. I did not say she is the cause, but a trigger.

I will reply further later on.

**Posts:** 1152 · by **Leo Volont** » Wed Apr 27, 2016 12:34 pm

JuliaMaple wrote:Richard,
I agree abuse situations are often a cycle, and when there is actual abuse, one should leave. This is not the case though, he never touches me.
What 'is' the case (and please focus on the actual truths instead of projecting fantasy horror stories and abuse stories) is that I have a partner that is emotionally drained and frustrated to the core.
This is a psychological emotional problem, that everyone can have. It will show itself different in each person, but any human on the planet can have this problem when too much happens.
I do not make up excuses for him by saying this, I simply look at the core of it. The reason.

Also, you mentioned that the cause is not his ex-wife because 'she is not here'.
In truth, she is.
She is in our lives every single day, lives two streets away and mingles herself in his life every day. So, she 'is' here.
All the time.
She is not 'the' single cause, but definitely a trigger. As I have put it before. I did not say she is the cause, but a trigger.

I will reply further later on.

Dear Julia,

I suppose I should mind my own business, but I do find your case rather intriguing.

You've so far gotten a lot of advice in the direction of Saving Yourself, but you insist on holding onto the Idea that your Boyfriend is a greater Priority in your Life than you are. You justify his Dysfunctionality. Yes, SOMETHING probably did Damage him -- he seem Horribly Damaged. and, yes, it can be considered a Psychological Problem, but he would need to be looked at to see if he has Physical Problems as well.

But what about You? You don't think that you have a Psychological problem? You need to ask yourself what a Competent and Rational Women, who has her "Head Together" would do in your Situation. My guess is that she would not BE in your situation. The Moment she saw that her boyfriend had only be 'keeping it together' long enough to get her into bed, but soon after had a complete melt down -- a Package of Damaged Goods that He MUST have known he was already dealing with when he met you.

You are also Dealing with the Ex-Wife. Why would you want to do that? you WANT a boyfriend who is a Basket Case AND who effectively forces you into daily interaction with his Ex-Wife.

When is Enough going to be Enough for you?

Also, now that we can at least suspect that You may have a bit of a Psychological Problem yourself, well, I am sure I am not the only one who is wondering whether the Ex-Wife can really be as bad as you say. You say She Lies All the Time and Lies About Everything. So there you apparently concede that there are People, in fact Women, who Lie All the Time about Everything. Well, what makes us believe that you aren't the one with the Problems you are assigning to the Ex-wife. Or perhaps it is a little bit of both.

Do you ever wonder that the Same Guy who picked such a Nut Job as a first wife, as one could describe her, also picked You. Do you sometimes wonder whether he is Selecting by Type and both She and You are the Same Type?

You really need to stop worry about Him. You would seem to have a Handful just worrying about yourself.

Not that it is any of my business, but it gets so boring here much of the time, and your case is SO interesting... Thank you for allowing me to spin my mental wheels a bit...

**Posts:** 5 · by **Rvt001** » Wed Apr 27, 2016 1:07 pm

She loves the guy and would rather see it workout . Okay, that's what shed like to try.

People do get therapy and can work though there anger issues. They have to want to do the hard work. It is possible.

Verbal abuse and yelling is still abuse.

If he isn't willing to do the work to get help then yes, this relationship will most likely fail and nothing YOU do will help. But, and it's a big but, if he can get therapy and learn to deal then there may be a chance. With all his issues it would be hard hard work. He has to wantbit more than anything though or it wont work. The fact he thinksniys normal is troubleing so....Therapy doesn't help all as they need to want it and they need to know their behavior is destructive.

They are correct and you still need to work on your side of the road too and your happiness. If he isn't willing to try to change then he will lose you too. The fear should be also the escalation from verbal abuse to physical abuse. Be careful. Take care of yourself.

**Posts:** 1152 · by **Leo Volont** » Wed Apr 27, 2016 1:24 pm

Rvt001 wrote:She loves the guy and would rather see it workout . Okay, that's what shed like to try.

People do get therapy and can work though there anger issues. They have to want to do the hard work. It is possible.

Verbal abuse and yelling is still abuse.

If he isn't willing to do the work to get help then yes, this relationship will most likely fail and nothing YOU do will help. But, and it's a big but, if he can get therapy and learn to deal then there may be a chance. With all his issues it would be hard hard work. He has to wantbit more than anything though or it wont work. The fact he thinksniys normal is troubleing so....Therapy doesn't help all as they need to want it and they need to know their behavior is destructive.

They are correct and you still need to work on your side of the road too and your happiness. If he isn't willing to try to change then he will lose you too. The fear should be also the escalation from verbal abuse to physical abuse. Be careful. Take care of yourself.

Oh, Hi RV,

don't you have your own Post going... I just wrote a reply to it.

Here you seem very thoughtful and discerning.... that is a good thing.

But about her being "in Love" and wanting it to work out.... well, I don't want to be the one to break it to you, but there are two things you should know -- Santa Claus and Love are not real.

LOVE... what everyone knows about romantic love... well that is SEXUAL BONDING. It is Animal Hormones kicking in. I've seen it a million times. I was once in the Army. Guys are in LOVE with their Wives, but go Over Seas. then they Fall In Love with .... well, girls that make it their Profession to be Fallen In Love With. Sometimes they are even kind of ugly. sometime all it takes for Love is to be the Last Girl On Earth, so to speak. Or the last Guy, from the female viewpoint.

So, while this is an Anger Management Page, there probably should be a Love Management Page. some people really DO think they need that Sexual Bonding Experience all the time. You know, it is a Phenomena of New Love and does not last forever.

then there are other kinds of Dysfunctions between people. You have Co-dependent People. You have the Care Giving Type... that is, mostly Women who are only attracted to Damaged and Hurt people -- they are 'Mothers' that want to treat their men like helpless babies, and so they find men who are in effect 'helpless babies'.

There are All Kinds of Nuts out there.

anyway, RV, you seem to have a lot of insight into Anger Management. that is a very good thing.

**Posts:** 5 · by **Rvt001** » Wed Apr 27, 2016 1:38 pm

I have no delusions about romantic love, believe me. Not everyone is cut out to be in a relationship at all, and most the time they don't even know it. And Julia, your man be be one of them.

But it seems Julia wanted other options other than leaving. What do i know? Only my own experiences. I think the big worry is your security, safety and your feelings. You deserve better of him. And if not from him, maybe someone else. Thanks for listening. Take care.

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Wed Apr 27, 2016 1:51 pm

JuliaMaple wrote:I agree abuse situations are often a cycle, and when there is actual abuse, one should leave. This is not the case though, he never touches me.
What 'is' the case (and please focus on the actual truths instead of projecting fantasy horror stories and abuse stories)

Abuse does not have to be touching. Abuse does not have to be physical. Abuse is often mental or physical. Imagine the child that is told they are a hated, unwanted, unloved, worthless piece of trash each day. You believe that is not abuse because they are not physically touched?

So let us look at what "is" the case....here are your words...I bolded some in case you might have forgotten you typed them.

"At some point I ask him to calm himself, and to please not do that again. I feel weak in such a moment, I was already a bit sad or tired, and then he begins is cycle of rage towards me. I cannot carry that."

"The more I say to him, the more extreme his anger and rage will become. I get scared of him when he is like that. His body language is very aggressive."

"When I get really scared I leave the house for a couple of hours, even when its the middle of the night."

"I often break down and cry which makes him rage even more, it really hurts."

***
You even say, "it really hurts" yet that is not abuse to you? He is hurting you, the same as telling a child they are hated, unwanted...but you only think physical touching is abuse.

Where is his ex-wife when he is hurting you? Is she in the kitchen with you? No.

Julia Maple, you are a classic case of being abused and justifying it, rationalizing it away. It is denial. Stand up for yourself. Do not allow him to hurt you. He rages towards you, he scares you and the key is "it really hurts". It hurts you. He is hurting you and you want to not blame him, but find ways to avoid confronting this reality. You want to blame others in his life or his situation, you want to blame everything except where responsibility really exists, on him. Stop making excuses for him abusing you.

I will end this post with what we agree upon...you wrote, "when there is actual abuse, one should leave"...well...there is actual abuse. You wrote as much. He hurts you. It doesn't have to be physical hurt Julia.

huge rage issues (partner)

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