We all know the Golden Rule – “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. Well, the inverse of the Golden Rule would be “Expect to be treated by others as you would treat them”. Now how this works in practice is that if one’s own sense of propriety and courtesy are slight to non-existent, that is, if you are thoughtless, mean and pushy, than one will expect the same kind of rudeness and offense from everyone else. Rather than being Angry about it, well, it would be taken as just part of the Usual Scenery… like a New York driver with his finger in the air. However, if one is very fastidious in regards to manners, etiquette, respect and courtesy and all that, and if one finds on occasion that one must deal with people who aren’t nearly as fussy about such niceties, well, it might SEEM that one was being Slighted, Disrespected, and treated with intentional Rudeness. This often leads these Nicest of People into having Angry Responses.
Of course I am not arguing that it is BAD to be courteous and mannerly. In Societies were EVERYONE is courteous and mannerly, it works out really well, for instance, in the Far East – China, Japan, Korea, etc. These Asian Societies are Traditional and Homogenous – everyone learns their manners from the Same Book, so to speak. Since everybody is polite, courteous and respectful, everybody gets along fine. That is how the Population Densities in Asia can be so crowded without the Riots and Rebellions we would probably see in the West– the uniformly polite behavior of everyone reduces friction and prevents annoyance … or perhaps the Asians simply believe that Burning and Looting would simply be too ‘low for them to go’ and that they would ‘Lose Face’, as they call it, if they were seen running down a burning street carrying a Large Screen TV.
But looking at this Idea of Social Expectations in Terms of Anger Management, if we are Nice and Polite, we must learn to consciously realize, in all of our Social Interactions, that Other People may have significantly Lower Standards, and what this means is that Rude and Offensive Behavior, while still being most ‘deplorable’ is probably NOT INTENTIONAL. We should view much of the Rudeness and even Nastiness in our Society as the result of Dysfunctions in our Culture and a Failure of our Social Institutions (Schools, Family, Government, and especially the Entertainment Media) to instill a General Sense of Uniform Proper Behavior. So we should view Rude People as being ‘handicapped’ or ‘socially challenged’. We should not take it personally. Allowing it to make us Angry is to misconstrue the situation.
I had gotten some insight into this when I had read a while back that many Japanese People, infatuated with France after reading and watching Media about French Culture and History, and having studying the Language, and being convinced of the beauties and splendors of Paris, that they have traveled to France to experience it all first hand. Well, it is no secret that the French can be very rude (which is a surprising shift in in their Cultural History, since the French were once regarded as the Most Polite People, at least among the Europeans). Well, the Japanese are indeed a very polite people, and the rudeness of the French hit many of these travelers with severe Culture Shock – there were angry reactions, confusion (“What have I done to deserve this?”), even some complete ‘melt downs’ – incapacitating nervous breakdowns. So, to help deal with these crises, the Japanese Embassy brought in a number of Japanese Psychologists who act as Quick Response Rescue Teams. I only wish I had some hint as to what their Treatment and Therapeutic Approach is, but I can guess that they must certainly be emphasizing the Idea that the French are Rude by Habit and not by any Intention, and that since the Japanese Tourists most certainly didn’t do anything wrong, that by being Guiltless, they should also reject any notion that they should be ashamed or humiliated. They might also mention that since it isn’t Japan, it would be quite okay to just ‘flip them off’, and to remember that what they ‘Do in France stays in France’.
I myself had a bit of the opposite kind of experience back in the last Millennium – I had been a Peace Corps Volunteer in one of those Courteous Asian Country, and I was the one who must have seemed like the Rude Barbarian. But I did try my best to fit in. You know, “When in Rome, do as the Romans do”, as they say. But it took a while to become convinced that ‘fitting in’ applied to EVERYTHING. You see, a Society committed to being Polite develops over time a Polite Way of doing Everything – how to drink tea, how to drink wine, how to eat, how to walk, how to ride a bicycle (never stand up on the pedals… “the seat is meant to sit on”), how to maintain an umbrella, what brand of cigarettes a person of your social status is allowed to smoke (seriously!)… I could go on indefinitely, but there was a Right Way and a Wrong Way for Everything you could imagine, and it was difficult to not be ‘wrong’ a great deal of the time. Oh, sometimes problems with this Universal Code of Behavior for Everything hits a glitch, for instance, when they brought in Mass Transit for the first time, as a completely NEW THING to their Culture, well, NOBODY knew How to Behave with it, that is, that people were supposed to form orderly lines and not push and shove. What Happened was that these ordinarily Orderly and Well Regulated People, without any specific Rule to follow, would descend into Chaos and seem to just go Crazy – whenever a Bus would pull up! But I am sure that after a few Thousand Years these Polite Asian Societies will eventually arrive at a polite way for dealing with Buses and Trains in the same way as they have contrived a polite way for Everything Else. Oh, but it was a kind of a welcome relief for me to see these Superiorly Polite People flex their Achilles Heel and show me a Flaw, some Weakness that I could gloat about. But it was still uncomfortable for me to follow the local rules, or non-rules, for Mass Transit… rather than fighting tooth and claw through a crowd as would be expected, often I would hold back and wait for the Next Bus and then simply Defend my Front Position at the Bus Stop. But even then I felt I had to show some assertiveness so that the Locals would not think that all Westerners are ‘afraid’ of their Little Old Ladies and ‘frightened’ by their Little School Girls. It does raise the question of whether ‘Expected Social Behavior’ can ever be ‘Wrong’.
Also, to move on, we should think about the notion that if people do Expect to be treated in the way they treat others, and if one wants to fit seamlessly into whatever Social Milieu one wonder into, then one should take a little time to discern the level of Behavior in the place or party one is visiting, and try to assimilate to about that Same Level of Social Conduct. Of course, it would be Rude or Boorish to act much lower than the Crowd you are among, but it would also be kind of snotty and pretentious to act too far above it. Of course this is why it is sometimes difficult for the Old to socialize with the Young, as the total abandonment of all personal dignity, which goes mostly unnoticed when young people do it, just looks like, well, like “the total abandonment of all personal dignity” when Old People do it, so often what a young person would do to ‘fit in’ would make a ‘scene’ if an Oldster tried to get away with the same thing. So the best plan of action for an Old Person at a Young Party probably would be to stay in the background, keep smiling, and focus on refraining from being grumpy, grouchy or judgmental. For instance, I heard that Sir Paul McCartney, you know, the old “Beatle” (Historical Note: the Beatles were a famous British Rock n Roll Band back in the Sixties), well he behaved in so stodgy a manner at a Post-Emmy Hollywood Party, that he was effectively removed from Everybody’s Invitations Lists, and none of the Swanky Clubs will any longer let him in past the velvet rope – the Bouncers check their Lists and his Name is ‘scratched through’ (maybe they tell him that he has to “Brexit”).
Anyway, so while it is good to generally be Polite, Courteous and Dignified, one should never crank it up so far as to be offensively overbearing in what might be a very casual and relaxed Scene.