Hi everyone, I am new to this forum. I've tried posting on other websites before but I get a lot of hate, which is understandable considering I'm quite messed up in certain ways, however I want to better myself and find out why I feel the way I do, which is why I'm here.
One of the earliest instances I can recall getting angry in my life is when I was holding a small stuffed animal duck. I don't remember what made me angry, but I remember slamming the duck on the ground repeatedly and biting it. My mother came into the room and took the duck and told me to stop. I remember feeling very sad for the duck and wanting to console it. I don't know if this is somehow related to the trouble I experience today, but I thought it worth mentioning.
I have always been an animal lover, since I was a little girl I've had a deep love for horses. I took riding lessons for much of my teenage years, and volunteered. However I can recall instances that became more common the older I got, where horses would anger me when they misbehaved, so angry that I would over discipline them, feel anxiety towards interacting with them, and have now all together stopped riding. I havent been riding for a year now.
Many of my friends and family, specifically my boyfriend are confused by this, because for pretty much as long as I've been alive my bigget passion was horses, and now, for reasons I can't decipher they make me upset to look at.
The biggest issue I'm facing currently is thoughts of hurting my boyfriends dog. I've had dogs in the past, and never felt this way towards any of them until now. She annoys me so badly I can't tolerate her presence at times. He allows her on the couch which makes me upset because she sheds and smells. And when we leave the house she shits everywhere. She is house trained but my boyfriend thinks she does it when we're gone out of separation anxiety. She jumps up, even when I tell her no and to get down she doesn't listen, and it makes me so upset I chase her, hit her, and make her afraid of me, sometimes even just for staring at me too long. She's not usually scared of me unless I become aggressive, but when I do she shakes and hides and that only seems to anger me more. Also when I let her outside to use the bathroom, she takes off at a dead run, despite me calling her back and yelling. She isn't scared, she just runs off because she knows she can. Her lack of discipline just pushes my buttons. When I find her I spank her and hit her and leave her tied outside. I've ripped off my finger nail before from hitting her too hard. She never bleeds, or gets any physical signs of being hurt, but I feel bad afterwards, until I get angry again. My boyfriend has yelled at me before and defended the dog from me, he says I have an issue and I know he's right. But when the anger gets flowing I just can't seem to stop myself.
I'm lucky he still loves and supports me despite this, we have been together 3 years. I want to do right by him and the dog, I just don't know what to do.
Thanks to all those who read.