I am a very angry person and I want to change it

You can't cure the past or predict the future. That much is true. If there were not children involved, I would probably tell you something different, but they are. The moment you have kids, you stop living for yourself and start living for them. the way you and your spouse handle problems is going to go a long way towards how your kids will handle theirs when they have families.

You are trying to fix the problem, and that is commendable, and would be a good plan with no kids. Since there are, see if you can find and get your spouse to go to anger management classes with you. Your relationship will be better and not so explosive. No one is happy all the time, but with less yelling and more discussions, at least you won't feel on the defensive all the time.

Alex4

ssvk3 wrote:I am a very angry person. I look at my past and I don't seem to actually understand what and where it went wrong. But I don't want to ever go into details of that with myself or with anybody else. The big reason is, it doesn't matter. I am here now, I have this moment to live now. I can not worry about what happened in the past, how miserable my life was, what other did to me and what I DID TO OTHERS, and how troubled my soul is now, and has been so far and will probably be in future, BUT I have myself for just this moment and it's slipping out of my hand, even as I am writing this post.

All I know is if my voice is not heard, I always raise my voice, which ignites this fire inside of me, and my heart races and my eyes are all red, and I feel miserable in my the moment and all my past experiences of shame, guilt, frustration and anger, panic attack and silent abuses just came rushing back in that one moment that changes the very person I am. I reach a level of insanity which is horrible.

This is what happens:
1. I raise my voice, my partner raises his.
2. He totally dismisses my points, I shout even more
3. He blames me for anything and everything, I shout even more
4. He tells me I am mental and need treatment, I shout even more, back blaming him and telling him he are the one to blame for my condition, I shout even more.
We both go ignorant to our kids when we are shouting at each other. This never happened before my entire life. We had our misunderstanding and distrusts with each other, but we were keeping some distance with kids.
I blame him for everything and anything, I know in my heart that it's not true. But the anger makes it so much worse. He knows he is not always right but its so much worse for us when nobody can do anything in these circumstances and ANGER takes over each and everything.

I did meditation for last two days.
1. As soon as the anger rise, I see it and talk to it and call it out.
>> But I practiced it while my husband is not in the house. I don't know if this is going to work when he is in house.
2. I need to see myself from the eyes of my kids.
>> They get frightened and confused and will behave the same way they see me behaving in situations like the one I am facing.
>> How do I want them to behave and see the world if in future they are ever in my situation.
3. Knowing the big picture might help too.
>> If this fight is worth it or not in the long run than it's better to just give up right now and talk to your anger saying, it's not worth the efforts, not worth raising your voice, do what's right, if others don't like it, to hell with others, do the RIGHT thing, do good for yourself and for your kids, forget others.
>>>Know that you always have a right to say no or right to walk out or right to get out of the situation.
>>> You are not bad for walking out if you know walking out is going to make things better. It's right for you to take charge of your life and feel good and happy.
>>> You are not trapped. Your kids will be happier to see you happy rather sad.
>>> It's not all on you.

TRYING TO SELF HELP MYSLEF, Please throw in your suggestions to help me make things better at home.

Dear Ssvk
First let me comment on your writing… it reads like Poetry! I was really impressed. But, Writing very poetically means TWO Things – that you are very intelligent, AND that you are largely driven by your emotions, or at least that you are very sensitive emotionally. The Intelligence we can Work With, But the Sensitivity is a Blessing and a Curse. In a Perfect World It would be a very good thing, but when it’s the Case that Life is a Battlefield, well, you don’t have much Armor – your sensitivity makes you ‘Thin Skinned’ so to speak. But I am sure you must know that already. Indeed, reading your Post you seem to KNOW a lot that you should KNOW in order to confront your Anger.

But I am fairly sure that it seems to you as though the Anger has been Sneaking Up on You, taking you totally by Surprise, and that you then Lose Control. Well, I have a TIP that will help with that. It’s practically a Given Fact that ALL Loud Screaming ‘Out of Control’ Anger is Adrenaline Driven. The Thing about Adrenaline is that it only takes a Few Seconds for the Adrenal Glands to pump enough Adrenaline into the Blood System to put you into a Real Intense Adrenaline Rush. Once you or Under the Influence of Full Scale Adrenaline Rush your options for Self Control are Very Limited. The Best Athletes and Marshal Artists LOVE Adrenaline because they have worked with It long enough so that their Emotions are not affected, BUT their Intellect is to a large extent By-Passed and the Adrenaline engages their Athletic and Muscle Skills almost Directly – the Athlete then does Everything Right without Thinking About It, and with great Strength and Clarity of Purpose. So Adrenaline can be a Very Good Thing. But it is not Good when it’s Not Invited. Now, remember what I said about it only takes “A Few Seconds” for the Body to release a Significant Amount of Adrenaline into the Blood Stream. Well, Most People think that they INSTANTANEOUSLY GO CRAZY, which means that they missed the WARNING SIGN.

Remember This, it is Very Important. THE FIRST INDICATION THAT ADRENALINE IS BEING RELEASED IS THAT YOUR TEETH WILL CLENCH. Or you Jaw Muscles will tense up (it seems that the jaw muscles are the First Stop in the Blood Circulatory System from the Adrenal Glands). Anyway, AT THAT PRECISE MOMENT you can Shut Down the Adrenaline Release if you Simply Just Unclench Your Teeth and Relax your Jaw Muscles. Remember that you have less than little more than a Second to Recognize the Teeth Clenching and then to Consciously Relax, BUT Once You Become Aware of this Mechanism, it becomes EASY to Recognize. STOPPING an Adrenaline Rush becomes, with Practice, almost like a Reflex. I have four very naughty Kitty Cats and so I have a lot of practice in Shutting Down Angry Adrenaline. I don’t even have to Think About It Anymore, I just react by Reflex and shut it down. Practice Made Perfect!

If you can Control your Adrenaline then you can Remain Calm in the Face of Anything.

Oh, and if you are an Athlete and want to practice Training with Adrenaline, well, all it takes is a little Pin, that is, if you Hate little Pins. For me, just the Idea of stabbing my thumb with a Pin initiates a bit of an Adrenaline Rush, and then I can Play Music which comes out with a sound of both great precision AND spontaneity. As I said, Adrenaline is only Bad when it comes Uninvited.

So, Ssvk, let me know if this Idea appeals to you. Of course, Anger Management is full of Neat Little Tricks which it would be useful for you to learn. But we will take it one at a time, no?

For starters you need to stop worrying about past events and try and live in the here and now. Easier than it sounds, I know, but if you let go of the past you can move forwards. Try and find a substitute for anger, such as walking out of the room as soon as you tense up. You can break the pattern by doing something like saying a really odd and incongruous word (I've known people who sing to get away from anger). Biggest lesson? Let go of the past. You can never get it back and you can never change it.

Although Sal is right abut not going back, your later post about not understanding why you did the things you did changes that alittle. Going back and ripping your life apart won't help because you have no direction to start in and its likely to make you turn on yourself.

There seems to be something at the very route of your problem, be it physical or emotional that started this. Finding that could be helpful, but I wouldn't try to do it alone. I don't mean taking every time you got angry apart. just the inciting cause. I'll be the first to admit that seeing psychologists make me nervous, but you need a guide to help you get where you want to go and do so safely.

As far as training by adding a drug, I wouldn't recommend it. there is no way t know what will happen. People react differently to drugs and what someone else used and got good results may not have that effect on you or even cause your problem to be worse.

Take care,
Alex4

Sal wrote:
....Try and find a substitute for anger, such as walking out of the room as soon as you tense up....

.

This must be a Last Resort before some kind of absolute Violence, because Just Walking Out is a Big Dramatic Scene Maker also. Walking Out really Makes a Statement that You Might Really Might Not Want to Say, don't you think? Imagine trying to talk to somebody and then they just suddenly glare at you funny and then stalk out of the room.... this doesn't exactly make them you Newest Bestest Friend, does it?

Alex4 wrote:
....There seems to be something at the very route of your problem, be it physical or emotional that started this. Finding that could be helpful, but I wouldn't try to do it alone. I don't mean taking every time you got angry apart. just the inciting cause. I'll be the first to admit that seeing psychologists make me nervous, but you need a guide to help you get where you want to go and do so safely....


Take care,
Alex4

Dear Alex,

You are basically recommending that the poor guy seek Psychoanalysis. Well, NOBODY takes Psychoanalysis seriously anymore. Back in the Hey Days of Psychoanalysis mostly affluent House Wives with a lot of money and leisure time would go to their Weekly Psychoanalysis Appointment year in and year out and NEVER show any actual improvement in their 'neurotic' behavior (and when was the last time you heard anybody use the word 'neurotic'?) All Psychoanalysis does is present Theory after Theory about why you Think and Behave Badly, but it leaves the Bad Thinking and the Bad Acting Out untouched. All That Changed with the Development of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapies. Some Insightful Pioneering Psychologists decided that digging up THE REASON WHY just leads to a some very tantalizing Dead Ends, and that the FIX involved simply Addressing the Problem. If you Correct Bad Thought Habits and Bad Behavioral Habits then you end up with Happy Functional Individuals. And the DATA proves it out. Check with Modern Practices. Some form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is being utilized across the entire Diagnostic Spectrum -- if a person is somehow 'Acting Crazy', then Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can Fix It... unless of course the Problem is Organic (the actual Brain Structure or Chemistry is screwed up somehow), and then Meds or Surgery are the only remedies (that I am aware of, just off the cuff...).

Leo,
coming from someone who stays as far away from shrinks as possible, the only thing I am recommending is that he not try adding a chemical that may have an adverse effect. Penicillin is a great drug. It would kill me. All I am saying is that he may have a reason other than a chemical or brain abnormality. That doesn't mean that he can't find it himself. Besides, you can lie to a shrink and so they can only go on what you say. Some people do find anger management helpful. That doesn't mean he can't go back in his own mind and self analyze. Now that I have done, and it CAN work.
Alex4

Alex4 wrote:Leo,
coming from someone who stays as far away from shrinks as possible, the only thing I am recommending is that he not try adding a chemical that may have an adverse effect. Penicillin is a great drug. It would kill me. All I am saying is that he may have a reason other than a chemical or brain abnormality. That doesn't mean that he can't find it himself. Besides, you can lie to a shrink and so they can only go on what you say. Some people do find anger management helpful. That doesn't mean he can't go back in his own mind and self analyze. Now that I have done, and it CAN work.
Alex4

Dear Alex,

Oh! I'm allergic to Penicillin too!

I've learned something that might be Important in my Dreams and that is YOU CAN'T GO BACK. For instance, if you lose something in a dream, looking for it won't find it. If a New Friend walks out the door, well, that was their 'Stage Exit' and they are GONE, and looking for them won't find them. You park your dream car and walk away, well, good bye car. -- don't even think of coming back for it. you see, the POINT the Dreams are probably making is that One has to Stay in the Here and Now. Delving back into the Past and Looking for Things that are not in the Present Dream Scene is a waste of Dream Time and Energy. Maybe there is an actual Life Lesson in all of That or why would Dreams do so much to emphasize the Point?

Yes, I know that you found Self Analysis helpful... or did you just find it fascinating? A huge Kaleidoscopic Puzzle to Play with. But is it Useful? You see, there is SO MUCH in each of our Pasts. I am in the Autumn of my Years and I know I would certainly get lost and go around in circles if I tried seriously to assign Present Motivations to Past Influences. Too many Loose Variables. Oh, yes, but there are the Big Things -- Parental Modeling and Adolescent Social Formation in Peer Groups -- those are our Formative Years. But that really does not take much thinking about, and what Thinking might occur would come to us almost automatically when we realize, through some kind of Cognitive Behavioral Approach, that all that Influence was BAD. But such Thoughts are a By-Product. And as I said in previous Posts, Knowing Why does not seem to have much of a Therapeutic Benefit. It is like, "Yes, my Life turned out all rotten because my Parents screwed up on my Potty Training, but SO WHAT?" We Can't Go Back! And If you can't Connect the very Fascinating Info to a Fix, then what good is it?


the Best Use for our Thinking would probably be to Imagine The Best Possible Self We Could Be, including all the Positive Personality Characteristics, and then try to Transform Ourselves into That. the Past can't help us with that. A Greater Awareness of the Present and an Awareness of What IS Good when we see it in other People -- those are what can Help Us.

But, yes, your favorite Road is Memory Lane.

I know how it feels l go through the excact same process with my mum l shout she shouts we blame each other the same process

What you should do if you still have the same problem is sit just by yourself and think how did this problem start when did your anger first ever manifest and why does it keep happening
It might not do much but it's something

ssvk3 wrote:I am a very angry person. I look at my past and I don't seem to actually understand what and where it went wrong. But I don't want to ever go into details of that with myself or with anybody else. The big reason is, it doesn't matter. I am here now, I have this moment to live now. I can not worry about what happened in the past, how miserable my life was, what other did to me and what I DID TO OTHERS, and how troubled my soul is now, and has been so far and will probably be in future, BUT I have myself for just this moment and it's slipping out of my hand, even as I am writing this post.

All I know is if my voice is not heard, I always raise my voice, which ignites this fire inside of me, and my heart races and my eyes are all red, and I feel miserable in my the moment and all my past experiences of shame, guilt, frustration and anger, panic attack and silent abuses just came rushing back in that one moment that changes the very person I am. I reach a level of insanity which is horrible.

This is what happens:
1. I raise my voice, my partner raises his.
2. He totally dismisses my points, I shout even more
3. He blames me for anything and everything, I shout even more
4. He tells me I am mental and need treatment, I shout even more, back blaming him and telling him he are the one to blame for my condition, I shout even more.
We both go ignorant to our kids when we are shouting at each other. This never happened before my entire life. We had our misunderstanding and distrusts with each other, but we were keeping some distance with kids.
I blame him for everything and anything, I know in my heart that it's not true. But the anger makes it so much worse. He knows he is not always right but its so much worse for us when nobody can do anything in these circumstances and ANGER takes over each and everything.

I did meditation for last two days.
1. As soon as the anger rise, I see it and talk to it and call it out.
>> But I practiced it while my husband is not in the house. I don't know if this is going to work when he is in house.
2. I need to see myself from the eyes of my kids.
>> They get frightened and confused and will behave the same way they see me behaving in situations like the one I am facing.
>> How do I want them to behave and see the world if in future they are ever in my situation.
3. Knowing the big picture might help too.
>> If this fight is worth it or not in the long run than it's better to just give up right now and talk to your anger saying, it's not worth the efforts, not worth raising your voice, do what's right, if others don't like it, to hell with others, do the RIGHT thing, do good for yourself and for your kids, forget others.
>>>Know that you always have a right to say no or right to walk out or right to get out of the situation.
>>> You are not bad for walking out if you know walking out is going to make things better. It's right for you to take charge of your life and feel good and happy.
>>> You are not trapped. Your kids will be happier to see you happy rather sad.
>>> It's not all on you.

TRYING TO SELF HELP MYSLEF, Please throw in your suggestions to help me make things better at home.

It's not to much hard to control your angriness. Try to keep cool.

Hey dear its good to read that you have sorted your all problem and what you want to do or doing for that,its good when we know about anger or these type of condition and trying to fix it. I suggest you to go with online anger management classes which help you to know the techniques from your home,office or whether you are.