I dont understand what makes me angry or if its my fault

Hello,

I'm 29 years old, i've got epilepsy and aspergers, i'm married to my partner i've been with for 9 years now and a daughter who is almost 18 months old, i work in a customer service role for a super market.

I've always had a short fuse, things would upset me and i would not fully understand why, which would often escalate into violence, nothing major but enough to worry me, i've managed to find some control over my temper, for 5 years now i've not hurt anyone, it greatly hurt me inside to know i hurt the ones i loved, i felt alot of guilt, which in the past often just made me get more mad, it did not make sense, it was like i was getting more mad at the person the more i hurt them.

Even though i no longer physically hurt my loved ones, i still lost my cool and broke furniture, often hurting my self, the furniture would often win the fight, lol, having aspergers i've always looked at things in a logical manner, like why i got angry, was it cause of what they said or did, did they make it worse or tried to make me angry on purpose.

I've never really found an answer to my questions, the main thing which makes things more complicated for me is my wife has OCD, the kind where she needs me to check the house alot, some times several times, especially the bed room before bed and often checking her clothes for her for spiders or hairs or anything she thinks she feels on her, i've always tried to be understanding and supportive as i would want her to be for my problems.

But over the years i've felt her OCD getting worse, she often blames me for things that to me appear to have nothing to do with me, which over time is making it harder and harder to control my temper.

I've never shared with anyone about this, but now i have a little girl too, i felt the need to get this sorted, and as of late my wife has had her gallbladder removed, and is unable to lift our daughter or do anything around the house, she sleeps most of the time, my wife is a house wife normally, so i'm now currently doing my job, everything she used to do and more it feels, i dont mind that though, i just feel very run down.

We have had alot of fights recently, and my love for her is as strong as ever, but i dont want to fight anymore, i will give an example of how a fight goes and how it makes me feel.

Tonight, i fed my daughter, did our bed time routine, bathed her, and due to her wetting the bed alot recently, had to wait 10 mins for dryer to finish for some clean jammies, my wife laying on sofa said to put her next to her on sofa and tidy up abit whilst we wait on dryer, so i proceeded to do so, i put some washing in washing machine, cleaned a few dishes, during which, i got shouted to come in, our daughter had dripped her bottle on my wife's leg and accidentally elbowed wife in stomach, i got shouted at for not being there when i should of been near our daughter in case i was needed, i went to clean sofa and her leg and also clean abit of milk off floor, i then got shouted at more and had the tv remote thrown at my back, i got mad of course, tried to keep it in, got the jammies out of dryer and went to get daughter ready for bed, i asked wife if she would double check nappy was on right, cause shes been leaking alot, wanted to make sure, i do mostly 1pm -9 pm shifts so dont often change her bum, i got shouted at and called useless cause it was not right and i should know, maybe i should, but my wife is quite controlling due to her OCD and i dont often change her bum anyway, i then found it very hard not to get angry and asked my wife why she would say such hurtful things, i find it very hard to let go, she walked off and ignored me, so i put my daughter to bed, read her a story and when she fell asleep came back in living room, waited till wife had finished watching her tv program and tried to talk to her, shes in alot of pain and i think thats why shes taking it out on me.

But it feels like i always get blamed for a fight , for it starting, for it carrying on, getting worse and not letting go, to me, it feels she pokes the bear, she knows what to say to make me mad, then leaves me high and dry and ignores me, which makes me worse, i get so mad, i just want to leave some times, she often threatens me, says leave then, but i can not bring my self to leave her or go to bed when a fight is unsettled, yet she seems to find it easy, i know its likely both our faults, we both have issues.

I guess i want some advice on what to do when in a similar situation as above, at the moment of course shes not physically fit for me to just remove my self from the situation, i often feel i have to admit guilt so we can both move on, even if i feel like i'm not to blame, its causes me alot of pain inside.

Sorry for the long post.