Help with uncontrollable anger

is good to be aware that is unwanted
and quit excusing unwanted ,

if that doesnt work than you need to wait until someone kicks your a$$ and than you stop 100%
but instead of waiting for that use intelectual thinking to decide to stop insttead of waiting for it to stop by itself as something bad happen

I think I will try to avoid getting my a$$ kicked lol, but trying to think over the situation instead of giving into anger has been somewhat helpful, just have to try harder to separate emotion when in situations. Thank you.

Dear Collard,

You are not much different from everybody else. It seems that Society… well, no Western Society, but in Asia the Schools teach Correct Behavior… People are simply Expected to behave Correctly and Intelligently. But at the same time the Media emphasizes Natural, that is un-controlled Behavior… So most people act out with the Instinct of Animals.

But children from the age of about 8 can Conceptualize. Once they can Conceptualize, then they are able to compare various Modes of Behavior – Aggressive Behavior vs Cooperative Behavior. Quiet Talking vs. Angry Talking. And children can be made to see that some Forms of Behavior generally Work Better than other forms of behavior, that is some forms of Behavior Solve Problems while other forms of Behavior simply make things worse.

Yes, students are Punished for Bad Behavior, but they are never systematically taught about Good Behavior and what makes it So Good. Everyone is left to figure it out all by themselves. Or the Angry and ignorant parents are supposed to instruct their children, but they are as clueless as the kids.

Anyway, yes, you have behaved terribly. You are your own worst enemy. You take Real Problems and Real Grievances and you multiply them by your inappropriate and exaggerated reactions. You need to learn how to behave yourself. You need to ACT Right. Yes, ACT. No more being natural, like some wild animal is ‘natural’. You are a Human Being. Learn to ACT like one.

Think before you do or say anything. Will this help my cause or hurt it? What will make you FEEL Better is nearly always the Wrong Thing to Do. Your Words and Behavior should be formulated to create an Objective Effect. Everything you do and say should be Goal Oriented. You will FEEL Much Better when you smooth out all the Bumps in your Life… even if you go about apologizing for things you never did, never take credit for everything you do, and you are not the center of Buzz and Attention. But you will not have any Enemies. People will think you are Reliable and Trustworthy… if that has been how you have been ACTING.

Read some anger management books. The new Therapeutic Trends are working well, and the Books have picked up the all the Tricks. They really do help.

And, practically speaking, YES, roommates are and always have been horrible. I don’t even recommend that lovers or husbands and wives be ‘roommates’ … roommates inevitably become enemies. Too close for comfort. Familiarity breeds contempt. Find some money somehow, somewhere and get a Single Room. Look at myself. I am a nice Old Man. Do I have a Roommate? Over my dead body! A Roommate is nothing anybody wants or needs. Yes, it saves a bit of money, but the aggravation is so much more expensive, don’t you think?

Try to start developing a kind of overview of your habitual thinking processes, a bird's eye view of your own mind at work. You do need to be in a slightly meditative or contemplative state of mind for this to happen and it does require some practice but when you find yourself able to do it fairly easily you find that you can see anger and negativity coming and can take mental steps to neutralize it before it takes effect.

In other words, try to learn how to think before you allow yourself to become overwhelmed by negative emotion like anger or anxiety, then ask yourself what do I gain by becoming angry?

darmos653 wrote:Try to start developing a kind of overview of your habitual thinking processes, a bird's eye view of your own mind at work. You do need to be in a slightly meditative or contemplative state of mind for this to happen and it does require some practice but when you find yourself able to do it fairly easily you find that you can see anger and negativity coming and can take mental steps to neutralize it before it takes effect.

In other words, try to learn how to think before you allow yourself to become overwhelmed by negative emotion like anger or anxiety, then ask yourself what do I gain by becoming angry?

Dear Darmos,

Very good advice,

But what drives most Angry Episodes is the Impulse to Action. The Mechanism for Angry Behavior goes something like this -- a Person feels Threatened or Attacked, and it does not matter whether these feelings are at all realistic, and then Adrenaline is released into the bloodstream. Instantly... within a second, or two seconds at the most... there is something like an Overriding Impulse to Fight, Flight or, more seldom, to Freeze. the Fighters are the Ones who get angry. It is the Impulse to Action that gets them into trouble.

With your advice, you are asking for people to Detach and drift into a zone of passive observation. This would work great, but the Adrenaline Driven Fight Mechanism goes all against it. the Trick is to catch the Adrenaline Rush and shut it down before it can 'clunk into gear', so to speak. This requires that the Person be extremely familiar with how he reacts to his own adrenaline rushes, as he has less than a few seconds to shut it down. I notice that my jaw muscles tense up. Other people catch themselves making fists, or they feel their skin begin to flush. whatever the Signal, the person must Immediately give himself, or herself the Order to FREEZE (remember, Adrenaline can have three Reactions -- flight, fight or Freeze. Take No Action is in most of these Situations the Best of all Possible Actions.

Oh, how does a person learn about how Adrenaline strikes them, without waiting for dangerous Angry Episodes to occur. Well, I have found that stabbing your arm with a pin works wonders. Sometimes you don't even have to stab yourself... just getting ready to stab yourself is enough to set the Adrenaline Pumping. Oh, but take caution. Adrenaline may be a bit addictive. Some people who take to Cutting themselves may in fact be addicted to the adrenaline rush. But it is good to know how one reacts to adrenaline, and in some limited way get used to dealing with it. Remember, Moderation is good in everything.

Anyway, Freezing is much better than Fighting, but people feel awkward and embarrassed standing as still as a statue, and it may create something of a scene in and of itself, so they feel they have to say or do something after a number of seconds. So I emphasize moving slowly, perhaps toward the door, and talking softly and most importantly, Not Swearing. Angry Episodes are for the most part governed by the Emotions... that is, even the initial "threat'" may likely have been entirely emotional, with no physical component whatsoever. And Swearing is the Language of Preference for Emotional Outbursts. Also, if the episode happens at Work, or in Public where the police may be called, it is the swearing that will create all of ones residual problems -- objectively observable behaviors that you committed that will be witnessed, recorded and used against you... or it could get even worse, if one also decides to smash property or commit an assault... then you might as well ask for a toothbrush to take to Jail with you. But in most cases Swearing Bursts the Damn that releases all of the other and worse Evils of Anger. If you can keep from Swearing, you have a good chance of not having been Perceived as having been 'angry' at all. people will say that you were momentarily 'flustered' but nobody will say you 'blew your top' or 'lost it'. As I have often said on this Page, "Anger" is NOT an Emotion. Anger is a Behavior. Unless you Behave Angry, well, nobody can say that you were Angry, can they?

Leo Volonte,

Yes of course you're right about the impulse to action, adrenaline etc it's all part of the instinctive response to perceived threat whether the threat is actually real or not. My point was more about a gradual programme of training the conscious mind to learn how to deal differently and more positively with anger in general so that gradually the instant or instinctive reaction to perceived threat moves away from anger and the adrenaline rush to a more objective and considered response.

darmos653 wrote:Leo Volonte,

Yes of course you're right about the impulse to action, adrenaline etc it's all part of the instinctive response to perceived threat whether the threat is actually real or not. My point was more about a gradual programme of training the conscious mind to learn how to deal differently and more positively with anger in general so that gradually the instant or instinctive reaction to perceived threat moves away from anger and the adrenaline rush to a more objective and considered response.

Dear Darmos,

Oh, yes, of course. In Anger Management, until one is a virtual Saint, there is no end to possible polish and refinement. We can start as some Jagged Dirt Sharp Edged Rock, and eventually work ourselves into a Shiny Round Marble.

But it is a bit like Wood Work or Metal Work. One starts with very coarse files or the roughest grade of Sand Paper, in order to take down the Largest Imperfections in the quickest and most efficient way possible.

One of my early influences in Thought was Swami Vivekananda. he had said that there is no Complete Perfection -- that there is a constant and continual Etherealization of One's Standards for Goodness. There is really no such thing as 'Good Enough' to somebody in the pursuit of personal Perfection. And we could probably say the same thing about being Congenial, Polite and Good Natured... which is what one becomes as one grows out of one's Anger.

So, yes, certainly, your technique has a sound and valid place in Anger Management. But I would think a person would be ready for such Polish after maybe two or three years of dedicated Anger Management Self Discipline. They should be at a point where they no longer complain of being beyond their own control, or at least they should have Won enough Battles against Themselves -- the Adrenaline Beast -- to realize that Victory is indeed Possible. For such People, your Technique, well, it become the Way to Achieve the next stage in their development.

Sometimes people ask me about my favorite anger management books, and I hesitate to answer, because so many of the books, even my Non-Favorite books have Techniques that fit in well and would augment what one is already attempting to do. Everything Positive Works Well to at least some degree, no?

Thank you so much for your input...