I have a great life. All of my problems right now stem from privileges that some people do not get. I say that more to remind myself than to give any context.
I love my girlfriend and she loves me. She’s a great girl - kind/caring/sweet/supportive. We’re great together in so many ways. Honestly I didn’t know that things could be this good in any relationship after two years together.
Having said that, there are a couple things that make things difficult for me to see things going past a certain point with us. I want (maybe I’d go so far as to say need) a large family. My father was not great and ever since I can remember I’ve wanted to be a loving, strong, and caring dad to a family of my own, things that my dad wasn’t.
My girlfriend is 10 years older than me (42). She already has three children and she’s had her tubes tied from a previous marriage. Even if we miraculously had one healthy child - it would put a lot of stress on her body, probably be very expensive (to get the tubes untied), and it would a large part of me disappointed (I’ve always wanted a large family - not an only child).
The children she has now aren’t terrible (in fact as far as kids go they are great.) Older and somewhat independent. She has three children in total the youngest is almost 18.
Still, I have a difficult knowing that another man did the most important thing in the world (to me) with her. On top of that, when things do get out of hand (one of them can be difficult) I can feel a growing resentment in having to be a part of it (I’m not proud of this - and I know it’s selfish, but if I can’t admit it to myself I have no hope in assessing the situation.) There’s a voice inside of my head that goes, “This isn’t your family - this isn’t what you want. You don’t need to listen to this girl scream about how much she hates the sound of chewing. Leave and start a family - go through this with your own kids.”
Adoption is not an option for me. It would be ideal but it’s very important for me to know that the children are my own. It wouldn’t be fair to the child if I ever adopted him/her and there are plenty of families who want to adopt.
The logical option is to leave but emotionally I don’t know if I can.
What really makes it suck is that it’s nothing that she has control over. It’s not like I want a three bedroom house and she wants a two bedroom.
We’ve talked about it before - and when the pain gets to be too much I tell her that a love like ours is too rare and worth looking into a way to make it work. I mean that - but she knows that I have to have a large family in someway or another.
The only thing that I could think of is being a sperm donor to a couple(s) and having a relationship with the children. My friends think I’m nuts and any lawyer that I’ve talked to says that having a relationship with the child opens me up to liabilities and emotional pain.
Outside of this working - I’ll probably have to leave. I’m at a great time in life to have my family. My finances are totally in order, and my career affords me a flexible schedule so that I can be there for my children. Still, I have no idea if I can do it. I can’t get myself to follow through. Any advice would be appreciated.