anger issues

**Posts:** 4 · by **yammy** » Sat Oct 25, 2014 5:25 pm

I allow the small things to get to me. I then allow them to manifest into something they are not by not talking about it there & then with my partner. Instead I go quite & do not talk to anyone all day, not even the children. Whilst this is happening I make the whole family feel uncomfortable & afraid to do anything, even the children won’t talk as they know I’m in one of my moods. This will go on all day as I’m too stubborn to talk to my other half about what’s got under my skin. When I do talk it turns into an argument because of the anger that I have allowed to build up inside me. The small issue has grown into a large problem because of my silence even though nothing else has been said or done by my partner. When arguing with my partner I say the foulest of things to hurt her emotionally & say sarcastic comments in reply to rational comments that are being made by her because of my anger. The other night we were arguing & she was laying with a fag & I said “make sure you don’t fall asleep with that in your hand, set fire to the bed & kill yourself”. At the time I don’t even think of these atrocious things to say they just pop into my head & I say them no matter how hurtful they are. I have text woman behind my partners back. I have flirted with them & talked about personal stuff that relates to my partner. This has caused allot of pain & heartache for my partner as I lied about what I was doing & the contents of what was said. My partner try’s to walk away into another room for space & a 5 minuet breather but I just follow her to continue the fighting. When things have calmed down & we talk like adults should I don’t even remember half the bad stuff that I have said & don’t see the pain I have caused unto it’s too late.

**Posts:** 4 · by **clarebearzimba** » Sun Oct 26, 2014 10:04 am

And that is your support this group purports to offer?
Are all newbies treated in this disgusting manner?

**Posts:** 4 · by **yammy** » Sun Oct 26, 2014 11:01 am

It has only been recently that i text 1 woman & regret it so much.

**Posts:** 954 · by **Beloved** » Sun Oct 26, 2014 2:58 pm

clarebearzimba wrote:And that is your support this group purports to offer?
Are all newbies treated in this disgusting manner?

Admin: Please cease the ad hominem remarks.

**Posts:** 4 · by **clarebearzimba** » Sun Oct 26, 2014 3:03 pm

Yes you Beloved.
The OP has been brutally honest about what he does, is posting on a support forum, and the only reply is from you saying 'Okay, I'm persuaded you are a bad person'.
How exactly is that support or helping OP with his issues?

**Posts:** 954 · by **Beloved** » Sun Oct 26, 2014 3:06 pm

clarebearzimba wrote:Yes you Beloved.
The OP has been brutally honest about what he does, is posting on a support forum, and the only reply is from you saying 'Okay, I'm persuaded you are a bad person'.
How exactly is that support or helping OP with his issues?

It seems I have my hooks in you. I advise you to extract them.

**Posts:** 4 · by **clarebearzimba** » Sun Oct 26, 2014 3:08 pm

And that means what exactly? I know Yammy, and it was very hard for him to post here. The 'support' has been less than positive and I am sorry I suggested he try and get help from here if that is your response.

**Posts:** 4 · by **clarebearzimba** » Sun Oct 26, 2014 3:14 pm

You changed your message from 'me?' to a longer one?
If you don't wish to support such a person, then kindly don't post antagonising responses.
I am not uppity, I am upset that such a response was posted by you when the very nature of this group is supposed to be support.

**Posts:** 954 · by **Beloved** » Sun Oct 26, 2014 6:23 pm

clarebearzimba wrote:You changed your message from 'me?' to a longer one?
If you don't wish to support such a person, then kindly don't post antagonising responses.
I am not uppity, I am upset that such a response was posted by you when the very nature of this group is supposed to be support.

If you want to regain control of this conversation you are supposed to ask questions rather than make statements.

To learn more, start a thread in the Light Lounge with "Beloved" as the title.
TIA.

**Posts:** 559 · by **Jim1** » Mon Oct 27, 2014 2:34 am

yammy wrote:I allow the small things to get to me. I then allow them to manifest into something they are not by not talking about it there & then with my partner. Instead I go quite & do not talk to anyone all day, not even the children. Whilst this is happening I make the whole family feel uncomfortable & afraid to do anything, even the children won’t talk as they know I’m in one of my moods. This will go on all day as I’m too stubborn to talk to my other half about what’s got under my skin. When I do talk it turns into an argument because of the anger that I have allowed to build up inside me. The small issue has grown into a large problem because of my silence even though nothing else has been said or done by my partner. When arguing with my partner I say the foulest of things to hurt her emotionally & say sarcastic comments in reply to rational comments that are being made by her because of my anger. The other night we were arguing & she was laying with a fag & I said “make sure you don’t fall asleep with that in your hand, set fire to the bed & kill yourself”. At the time I don’t even think of these atrocious things to say they just pop into my head & I say them no matter how hurtful they are. I have text woman behind my partners back. I have flirted with them & talked about personal stuff that relates to my partner. This has caused allot of pain & heartache for my partner as I lied about what I was doing & the contents of what was said. My partner try’s to walk away into another room for space & a 5 minuet breather but I just follow her to continue the fighting. When things have calmed down & we talk like adults should I don’t even remember half the bad stuff that I have said & don’t see the pain I have caused unto it’s too late.

Hello Yammy,

The fact that you're on here looking for help indicates to me a willingness to do what it takes at this point. So I applaud that. Have you and your wife talked about maybe going together to couples counseling?

**Posts:** 4 · by **yammy** » Mon Oct 27, 2014 12:18 pm

Hi Jim,
Thank you for a sensible reply, I was starting to lose faith with this site after that 'Beloved' kept posting rubbish.
It's not a case of us going to couples counselling as I instigate the arguments with my silence and failure to talk at the time, bottling it up for hours and hours (12 plus usually) resulting in a massive blow out that has no relevance to the issue that started it. I have recently ordered Beating Anger by Mike Fisher, so am hoping that will help. But just wanted some techniques on managing my temper, and how to cope with the situation before the red mist descends.
thank you for your reply.

**Posts:** 14 · by **Pippi** » Mon Oct 27, 2014 2:19 pm

Hi Yammy,

A tip: A friend of mine had anger issues and he learned to control them by consciously breathing in and out of his nose whenever he felt the anger approaching. Focus only on the breathing, not the anger or problem. He said it allows him to think clearer than when he doesn't do it. You could always try it and see? It is a good idea to try and do 5-10 breaths (in and out) in a row to help you to calm down.

Have you identified if the anger has certain triggers? They may appear differently but all could be stemming from a fear or insecurity. Next time you feel angry, once you have calmed down, try and look back to see what was making you angry. Sometimes it can be something un-related or a childhood fear coming out.

Exercise can be a good way of letting off steam, do you get enough exercise? A good run or boxing session might help you.

Best of luck,
Pippi

**Posts:** 4 · by **yammy** » Mon Oct 27, 2014 2:44 pm

Hi Pippi. i will try that breathing exercise technique. i have also started going to the gym to help with any stress build up. There does not seem to be any triggers, just myself from not talking about what has got under my skin there & then & allowing a small issue to turn into a large one. i have sat down with my partner & identified that my step farther was very much like i am now when i was growing up. my partner advised me even though i may of not been happy with his behaviour i was to young to do anything about it & learned that this is normality. However it can be unlearned. thank you for your response.

**Posts:** 14 · by **Pippi** » Mon Oct 27, 2014 3:14 pm

I'm so glad to hear you say that

a realisation that habits and behaviours can be unlearned is one of the steps toward self-healing and finding happiness and peace. Good on you for taking responsibility to improve yours, and your family's, life experience. All the best with your journey. Pippi

**Posts:** 3 · by **Golyo** » Wed Dec 24, 2014 7:36 am

I would suggest to start dissociating yourself from your feelings, because it can help you a great deal. I've found the mantra "I am not my body, I am not my thoughts, I am not my feelings." very useful after awakening and before sleep. In about a month and a half I think I have come a long way.
More information can be found in a free ebook, but I cannot give you the url - site rules for 'new' users. You can find it on scribd, the title is Happiness beyond thought.

Relaxation and meditation are something very useful for me because I found myself constantly overflowed by thoughts and feelings, and I just could not cope with them.

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