Help with anger issues

dkat1972 wrote:...my job stresses me no end, I generally come home home mentally exhausted and very grumpy.... I'm beginning to think that depression of some kind is causing the problems. I'm generally always tired and struggle to get out of bed in the morning.

I would start by spending time reflecting on causes. You make it sound as if your job is causing stress and this is then linked to your depression and then this is causing anger. Do you believe that if you had your dream job you would not have anger issues?

Thank you for the reply.

Some of my anger is born at work due to frustration, frustration of simple problems not changing day in day out. Unfortunately I am powerless to change anything as all attempts to improve even the simplest of triggers have fallen on deaf ears, I simply have 2 options where my job is concerned, leave or put up with it.

For the short term I need to focus on my reaction to a situation but this is what I'm currently struggling with. To me any small situation which in the eyes of my wife is quite small is massive for me.
As I'm getting older I seem hell bent on focusing on trivia rubbish that wouldn't of effected me as a you younger man.
My problem is is that I know what I should be doing BUT I'm powerless to stop myself from reacting in the way I do.

D

dkat1972 wrote:As I'm getting older I seem hell bent on focusing on trivia rubbish that wouldn't of effected me as a you younger man.

We do go through changes as we get older, e.g. lower testosterone. I understand not wanting to consult a GP and get "happy pills".

The only option I can think of is to really put some serious time and effort into developing coping mechanisms. Schedule time for yourself each week, put an hour on the calendar and then write down what triggers you to feel anger. Then write down an appropriate response. It is similar to developing a policy/procedure manual that includes actions, if/then scenarios. The weekly session with yourself is deliberate practice.

Do you have a "man cave" in your home?

What helped me to escape stress and frustration was breaking daily routines. When we break things that we do everyday, all the time it gives enormous energy as if we were born again. It is useful to search for new experiences, break routines, it helps us break things that makes us feel down and make us angry. Try this break usual routine things, try something new.
If sth is too much for you, try starting from something smaller. However, try to break routines, search for new experiences try new things, this gives us energy make us more powerful

If you have a hot temper, you may feel like it’s out of your hands and there’s little you can do to tame the beast. But you have more control over your anger than you think.

You can learn to express your emotions without hurting others and when you do, you’ll not only feel better, you’ll also be more likely to get your needs met. Mastering the art of anger management takes work, but the more you practice, the easier it will get. And the payoff can be huge.

Learning to control your anger and express it appropriately can help you build better relationships, achieve your goals, and lead a healthier, more satisfying life.

Here are some effective ways for you to better control your anger:

1. Explore what’s really behind your anger. Anger problems often stem from what you've learned as a child. If you watched others in your family scream, hit each other, or throw things, you might think this is how anger is supposed to be expressed.

In order to get your needs met and express your anger in appropriate ways, you need to be in touch with what you are really feeling. Are you truly angry? Or is your anger masking other feelings such as embarrassment, insecurity, hurt, shame, or vulnerability?

2. Be aware of your anger warning signs and triggers. Becoming aware of your own personal signs that your temper is starting to boil allows you to take steps to manage your anger before it gets out of control.

Stressful events don’t excuse anger, but understanding how these events affect you can help you take control of your environment and avoid unnecessary aggravation. Look at your regular routine and try to identify activities, times of day, people, places, or situations that trigger irritable or angry feelings.

Now think about ways to avoid these triggers or view the situation differently so it doesn't make your blood boil.

3. Learn ways to cool down. There are many techniques that can help you cool down and keep your anger in check:

- Focus on the physical sensations of anger.
- Take some deep breaths.
- Exercise regularly
- Use your senses. You might try listening to music or picturing yourself in a favorite place.
- Stretch or massage areas of tension.
- Slowly count to ten.

I hope this helps. Take care!

Since I was in your almost exact position about 7 years ago can I suggest meditation.
Before you write that idea off let me explain why.
Meditation alone will not solve your problems, but it will allow you, eventually, to see what the problem is.
As daniel says, explore what's really behind your anger.
A psychotherapist / psychologist/councillor won't , simply because they do not know you. They will have you on SSRI's before you know it. Suggesting it is some imbalance in neurotransmitters, an imbalance that they can not prove and do not check for. They will then prescribe drugs that I can tell you took 8 years off my life and ruined everything I had.

If you are intelligent , look for a sounding board that is intelligent, I think meditation will provide that. The downside is you will need a year for it to become a powerful tool. Look at various cognitive behavioural therapies, the web is an excellent source.

And yes, get the basics right, cut out smoking, coffee ,alcohol, get good sleep, exercise and smile at others, simple stuff like this goes a long way. Explain your situation to your wife too, if you are anything like I was the end of the kitchen tap falls off and it's WW3. It will take time and strength on your part, don't look for someone or something to blame, try to be part of the system, and understand that everything in life is a action / reaction.

Are you willing to change?

Are you willing to do your job on your own terms?

Are you willing to accept the possibility of the sack in order to live a life where your relationships are improved?

Dear DKAT

I was reviewing some of the responses, and they seem very helpful. Hanyuuu and JJX seem to be on a good track – Hanyuuu with suggesting you break up your routine, and JJX suggesting Meditation. So you could break up your Routine with meditation. Well, that is if Meditation seems to fit for you. Some people, as paradoxical as it may sound, simply can’t relax by relaxing. These people need some activity that will relax them, that is, to burn up their nervous energy. For instance, I lock myself into my “Music Studio”, and play music into my headphones so as not to disturb the rest of the household. What I do is play various instruments by ear. No heavy learning involved, but one gets better at it with each practice. I practice dance steps the same way. I find that enjoyable and relaxing. Even if I am tired after work, the Practice seems to somewhat energize me even as I am finding it relaxing. Before I was able to scrounge a room away to make my Music Studio, I would get out and run. You, at the age of 43 you are just at the right age for a lot of running clubs – A Mid Life Crisis Sport if ever there was one. And the company one keeps in these Running Clubs is wonderful…. The men are all the active types, and all the thirty-something young women are all healthy and in wonderful shape, and if you push hard enough then you can run in their ‘pack’. What they choose to chatter about during races can be very amusing.

Yes, Daniel was very right about being able to spot your Triggers. Also you should recognize the signs of impending Outbursts. With myself, I notice that I clinch my teeth – and it’s a signal to me to simply shut down and get off whatever track got me there. Other people make their hands into fists. Or if your face heats up. There are any number of ‘tells’, which is what they call it in poker. If you know your triggers and signs of impending Outburst, then you will no longer be one of those who say “I just suddenly blew it”. You may actually just have a second or two to stop yourself, but that second or two always exists if you are practiced at being aware of such things.

Now, it seems your Family – the wife and kids – can be something of recurrent triggers. Well, this sounds callous, but can you stay out of their way for a while? If you have been habitually grumpy around them, I can reasonably suppose that they will not entirely miss your constant presence in the near future while you are re-establishing a more pleasant routine for yourself. In several months when you have settled into a Happier State of Being, and seem to be walking around with a big grin on your face, then they might begin to actually crave your company again. But, as you know already, as regards to making plans with Kids and Wives, you must keep the pressure off, that is, nothing that requires any kind of strict and stressful deadline – no getting to the theater on time, or making reservations for fancy restaurants. Go to the beach and the park – stuff where time is fluid and the mood intentionally kind of lazy.

Oh, time for my music practice. Good luck.