by Leo Volont » Wed Sep 21, 2016 11:36 pm
Dear Elsie (The Wonder Cat)
Hmmmm… your ‘name’ makes me wonder that you must like Cats… do you have any? I have 4.
But, now, to our Anger Business.
Oh, yes, your Experience reads like a Typical Episode of Explosive Anger… though with the Carrot Peelings, it borders upon Violent Rage. But, yes, this is fairly typical of the kind of Episode that alerts Individuals that they might have a ‘little itty bitty Problem’ with Anger. You see, you present us with Several Common Elements of the typical Anger Episode: First, we have a ‘Trigger’ – in this Case the Trigger is a Re-occurrence of a Repeating Inconvenience, Insult, Frustration or Attack, specifically ‘that same darn Van parking in your spot’.
The Second Element contributing to the Anger was the Effective Declaration of Hostility by the Van Driver, by refusing what had been a Polite Request made by your ‘Partner’ (you are SO Lucky to have such a nice and Civilized Partner… I hope ‘this’ doesn’t scare him away… I myself would have been ‘Out the Door’ with ‘All my Bags’ 5 minutes later! ). You see, Human Beings EVOLVED for Millions of Years as Social Animals, and the Primary Unit of Socialization had been the ‘Tribe’ (optimum size – about 100 to 150 people). In a Tribe, everything and everybody is Arranged by Status and Dominance Considerations and Everybody know their Relative Place in that Closed Social Milieu. So in a Perfect Tribal World, the Only Reason you would have made a Request was because you were Entitled to Make that Request, and the Other Person, a Member of your Tribe, would have been Obliged to comply. But when this Van Driver, a ‘Stranger’ and ‘Outsider’, defied your Polite Request… well, you Responded to an Effective Declaration of Tribal Warfare by, well, Going to War! In This Scheme of Things, YOU were Perfectly Right, BUT, that is what gets Angry People in So Much Trouble nowadays. You see, the Tribal Way of Thinking is NOT how Modern Civilization Works. Of course SOME Cultures are MORE Civilized than others. I am almost Certain that what happened to you would not happen Anywhere in Japan, Korea or China. In Such Cultures as one find in the Old Confucian Societies the GROUP takes precedence over the Individual, but in America and the West in general, the Rugged Individual is the Primary Social Unit, and so we have almost Every Individual at Constant War with every other Individual… in effect, a Society of Individuals is really No Society at All – it is merely a Battlefield where the Best that might be Expected is that all these Individuals find it convenient to live in Truce most of the time while resting between all of the Combats that inevitably Occur amidst all of the ‘Healthy Competition’. So while you would have more Sympathy in Asia for your plight, in America or Europe your Right to your Own Parking Spot, without presenting a Property Deed, could certainly be Challenged by a simple Refusal. The Police could do nothing but referee the Fight! Your Partner was completely Correct in his Appraisal of the Situation… that he asked nicely and was gruffly refused, but that in effect exhausted Every Possible Civilized Recourse, given the Facts of our So-Called ‘Civilization’. Of course you already know that what you did, had it been reported to the Authorities or your Landlord or whomsoever, well, you might have gotten in some serious trouble. So, Yes, one Reason You and many other have Anger Issues is that we live in a Very Nasty Society that tends to Trigger such things. It may seem an Unfair Burden placed upon us to Deal with Anger …to Manage Anger… that would not exist if Only Society were to Be as Society Should Be… but that is to Cry over Spilled Milk. We live in a Very Imperfect and Neglected and Ignorant Corner of the World, and we simply have to learn to Deal with It on its Own Terms. (oh, I thought of a Footnote. I have spoken of how Polite and Civilized the Asian Communities are… but during the Wars, there arose many stories of these Nice Polite People simply Flipping Out and going Crazy with Atrocities. You see, these People are so CONDITIONED to the Comforts and Certainty of living in a virtual Perfectly Polite Society, that when confronted with the Overt Rudeness of an Enemy (such as a Defiant American cussing under his breath, sneering, or spitting on the ground at their feet) they just have No Experience in Dealing with That Kind of Thing, and so they go ‘Completely Animal’ and destructive Atavistic Instincts takes over. But here in the West, the Blessing in Our Curse is that we are very used to Rudeness and can deal with defiance and contempt more or less in our strides, as your Partner was able to show).
Now, lets Move Onto the Management Side of the Question. In order to MANAGE your Anger you need to Prepare for it, in order to catch it in the Bud. First, in regards to Repeating Triggers. You should have KNOWN that that Van would be likely to Provoke you. So you should have Planned on NOT allowing it to Provoke you. Yes, you can make the Polite Request, BUT you would need to go into the situation WILLING to accept a Refusal, and with some kind of a sketchy PLAN on how you would accept such a Refusal in a Socially Acceptable Way … even an abrupt, sneering and almost insulting Refusal. The most you would be allowed to say, in order to ‘vent’ your disappointment would be “Well! Don’t expect a Christmas Card from Me!”.
Secondly, there is the THING that Makes You, and everybody else, SEE RED, and Fires Up all the Craziness and Garbage Throwing involved in these Anger Episodes – that is Adrenaline. Now, most people think that Adrenaline Hits Instantaneously – that One Moment you are Fine and the very Next Moment you are Way Over the Top. Yes, it seems to happen that quickly, BUT, it actually takes A FEW SECONDS for that much Adrenaline to deploy in your Blood and Nervous Systems. This Gives you a Few Seconds to Shut down the Process. I have found for myself, that the First Hint of Adrenaline causes my Jaws to Clench… I grit my Teeth. Maybe it is the same for Everybody, but Whatever the First Sign of Adrenaline is, For YOU, you should get to know What it Is. Stopping It… well, stopping the Adrenaline is actually very easy. You just Will It, or Want it to Stop. For instance, if One of my Kitties gets naughty, as soon as I feel my Jaws Clench, I THINK “NO!”, and that simple Wish shuts down the Adrenaline, and I am able to handle the Naughty Kitty in some positive and considerate way.
Well, I need to learn Not to dump Complete Books into the laps of you New Members, so I will bring this post to a close. BUT, tell me what you think of what I said, and from there we can Move onto to the Further Details of Anger Management…