Uncontrollable Anger, Mother

Dear MOMO,

‘Practice makes Perfect’. First, you need to be grateful to yourself for even discerning that you have a ‘problem’, as most people think that if they have any kind of justifiable excuse for their Angry Behavior, then that justifies everything they do – their own yelling and screaming and public tantrums, because they can claim it is the other person’s fault, for having been annoying somehow.

Yes, you are right, that perhaps the First Skill you should pick up is just to meet all of your mother’s annoying behaviors with dead silence. Perfectly, you should be able to express your objections in a soft and calm voice… but sometimes we have to learn how to crawl before we learn how to walk. And then the first walking might have to be ‘baby steps’.

I was going to say that Silence might get through to your Mother, but I changed me mind. You see, I have this ‘pet idea’, which some university somewhere should take a look at – the Psychology Department, of course. My idea is that Some People are effectively Unconscious. Yes, their eyes are open and they function in the World, but it is as though they are Sleep Walking. They do not think about or reflect over their Behavior. They react out of pure habit. This is why they same unresponsive to comments or attempts to persuade them to do anything they are not already in the habit of doing. This is why they repeat themselves a lot. They do not reflect on their own behavior and so they honestly don’t know they are repeating themselves. These are the kind of people that you just can’t get through to. Oh, I came up with that Idea in a ‘funny way’… it was joke I heard way back in the 80’s, when I was in the Army, of one of the Western Countries, it was concerning some Idiot that was always screwing everything up, the comment was “that Guy needs somebody to ‘Knock him CONSCIOUS’”… Not “Unconscious” as one would expect, but “Conscious”, which was what made it Funny, but also something of a Meaningful Riddle. Maybe these Idiots Really Are Unconscious in some Cognitive Kind of Way.

So yelling at my Mother certainly won’t help. It would be like Yelling at the Wall.

So you need to select Anger Management Books you like, that is, read the Reviews before you buy anything. Good Anger Management Books not only have a lot of Neat Tricks that they teach, they also Serve to Keep Us Thinking about how we should be Dealing with our Own Anger Management Problem. The Books give us Inspiration and the books Remind us to keep focus and not forget about it, just because we have been isolated from ‘Trigger situations’ long enough so that we forget that we have an Anger Problem. That happens a lot. An Angry Person who lives in a Perfect World would Never Be Angry… nothing to be Angry About!

I read about this one Hindu ‘Saint’… he had spent 40 years in a Cave in the Jungle, all by himself. He was at Total Peace. His Serenity was Perfect. So he thought he would go back to the World and Save It. Well, as soon as he got into town and met a Taxi Cab Driver, or somebody like that, He Flipped Out! His Serenity depended entirely on being encompassed totally by Serene Surroundings. The first Rude Comment pushed him over the Edge.

Aristocrats learn how to be Calm in all situations. You know how? All the Servants! Servants Talk. So the Aristocrats learn Never to Make a Scene in front of the Servants, and since the Servants are Everywhere, they learn to be Calm Everywhere and all the time. Of course, We do not have servants, and when we get excited in Public, usually it is in front of Strangers who have no idea who we are and don’t care. But, we should NEVER be angry in front of Anybody we know and who knows us, and the Society we must keep. “People Talk”.

Anyway, good luck. I hope some of this might have been of help. Oh, I should edit this down, but my back is getting sore….

Dear Leo,

Do you have any particular books in mind?

On the subject of lucidity, i could argue that my consciousness is not able to supersede my subconscious, instinctive behaviour, frequently.

Leo Volont wrote:Dear MOMO,

‘Practice makes Perfect’. First, you need to be grateful to yourself for even discerning that you have a ‘problem’, as most people think that if they have any kind of justifiable excuse for their Angry Behavior, then that justifies everything they do – their own yelling and screaming and public tantrums, because they can claim it is the other person’s fault, for having been annoying somehow.

Yes, you are right, that perhaps the First Skill you should pick up is just to meet all of your mother’s annoying behaviors with dead silence. Perfectly, you should be able to express your objections in a soft and calm voice… but sometimes we have to learn how to crawl before we learn how to walk. And then the first walking might have to be ‘baby steps’.

I was going to say that Silence might get through to your Mother, but I changed me mind. You see, I have this ‘pet idea’, which some university somewhere should take a look at – the Psychology Department, of course. My idea is that Some People are effectively Unconscious. Yes, their eyes are open and they function in the World, but it is as though they are Sleep Walking. They do not think about or reflect over their Behavior. They react out of pure habit. This is why they same unresponsive to comments or attempts to persuade them to do anything they are not already in the habit of doing. This is why they repeat themselves a lot. They do not reflect on their own behavior and so they honestly don’t know they are repeating themselves. These are the kind of people that you just can’t get through to. Oh, I came up with that Idea in a ‘funny way’… it was joke I heard way back in the 80’s, when I was in the Army, of one of the Western Countries, it was concerning some Idiot that was always screwing everything up, the comment was “that Guy needs somebody to ‘Knock him CONSCIOUS’”… Not “Unconscious” as one would expect, but “Conscious”, which was what made it Funny, but also something of a Meaningful Riddle. Maybe these Idiots Really Are Unconscious in some Cognitive Kind of Way.

So yelling at my Mother certainly won’t help. It would be like Yelling at the Wall.

So you need to select Anger Management Books you like, that is, read the Reviews before you buy anything. Good Anger Management Books not only have a lot of Neat Tricks that they teach, they also Serve to Keep Us Thinking about how we should be Dealing with our Own Anger Management Problem. The Books give us Inspiration and the books Remind us to keep focus and not forget about it, just because we have been isolated from ‘Trigger situations’ long enough so that we forget that we have an Anger Problem. That happens a lot. An Angry Person who lives in a Perfect World would Never Be Angry… nothing to be Angry About!

I read about this one Hindu ‘Saint’… he had spent 40 years in a Cave in the Jungle, all by himself. He was at Total Peace. His Serenity was Perfect. So he thought he would go back to the World and Save It. Well, as soon as he got into town and met a Taxi Cab Driver, or somebody like that, He Flipped Out! His Serenity depended entirely on being encompassed totally by Serene Surroundings. The first Rude Comment pushed him over the Edge.

Aristocrats learn how to be Calm in all situations. You know how? All the Servants! Servants Talk. So the Aristocrats learn Never to Make a Scene in front of the Servants, and since the Servants are Everywhere, they learn to be Calm Everywhere and all the time. Of course, We do not have servants, and when we get excited in Public, usually it is in front of Strangers who have no idea who we are and don’t care. But, we should NEVER be angry in front of Anybody we know and who knows us, and the Society we must keep. “People Talk”.

Anyway, good luck. I hope some of this might have been of help. Oh, I should edit this down, but my back is getting sore….

Limit your interactions with your mother. When you are on the phone to her, keep conversations short, polite and to the point. Come off the phone before you start getting annoyed and angry. Have a handy excuse ready to hang up if you need to.

momo7 wrote:Dear Leo,

Do you have any particular books in mind?

On the subject of lucidity, i could argue that my consciousness is not able to supersede my subconscious, instinctive behaviour, frequently.

Dear Momo,

My but you are paying attention… and thinking well ahead of me. When I spoke of it appearing as though some people are going about the World as though they are Effectively Unconscious, that is, like sophisticated automatons or lifelike Zombies, well, I was referring entirely in the direction of your mother. I don’t think I even spent a second contemplating whether the description applied to you. But now that you mention it…. If some Disembodied Floating Point of Objective Perception was following you around and recording and evaluating you entirely on your Behavior, without knowing what you are actually thinking underneath it all, well, perhaps that Point of Perception would regard you as just One More of Them – The Walking Dead, just another example of the Unreflective Automaton. Of course, from what you have written, We Know that you are far more than that. Indeed, you seem to have Extraordinary Cognitive and Reflective Skills. You are just not in the habit of applying them. You are a mature adult in the Behavioral Body of a Child.

Oh, it just occurred to me, that Mothers seem to trigger this in a lot of people. People who behave maturely and as adults in all other areas of their life – on the Job and in Society, well, let them go Home for the Holidays, and it is as though they Step out of a Time Machine – they start screaming at their Parents and Siblings as though not a minute has passed since they were 16 years old. They say you never forget how to Ride a Bicycle… well, perhaps relating to your family is like Riding a Bicycle – you jump straight back into that Learned and Habitual Behavior. As an example from another area, let me tell you that I am an amateur musician… I play a number of instruments by ear and have been doing so for 40 years now (I started after I graduated College and had time for a Hobby) Anyway, my WORSE songs are the ones I learned how to play in the first few years of my playing. I have to go back and Rehabilitate those Songs and incorporate my advanced skills. With new Songs, well, there is no Habitual Weeds that need to be pulled, and the ground is fresh plowed and ready for seeding, and the plants pop up big and beautiful, pure and elegant. Ergo, one would conclude that you need to Re-Learn Behavior toward family members. That Sixteen Year Old Stuff is a Patch of Weeds that need pulling.
Which raises the question? Do you Flip Out at Anybody else? Yes, even if you answer ‘NO’, there is a chance that Other People that you may encounter in the future may Remind you somehow of your Mother or your Siblings and set you off unexpectedly. So, yes, you should deal with the problem. But, it would be Nice if you did not have a General ‘Angry at Everybody’ kind of anger.

Anyway, I was saying, before that Thought hit me, that I seem very cognitively talented and I expect that if you attack Anger Management with Discipline, Dedication and a degree of Enthusiasm (strive to be an Anger Expert in your own Right), well, I see you Clearing up your problem in a few years, and going on to becoming the Most Congenial Person in all of the Society you Keep… you will become Famously Nice in your local society.

Now in regards to your request for my favorite books. First, do not deprive yourself of the utility and even amusement of reading the Reviews (go to that Big Online Retailer that used to specialize in books but now sells everything under the Sun). You’ll find books that specially appeal to you, But Also, it is fun to see how Angry People Review Books. Who else but angry people read such stuff, right? Well, some of the reviews… the people Get Angry that the books did not help them Not Get Angry! That being said some of my favorite books are as follows:

Peter Favaro, “Anger Management”. Complete and well organized. I have re-read it more than 3 times.

Potter-Efron “Letting Go of Anger”. Great book. Re-read it a few times. Potter-Efron also wrote “Rage” a book that focusing on the Worst and most Dangerous Degrees of Anger. Most people don’t need to read such a book, but it is informative if you want to be an Anger Expert.

Willian Davies “Overcoming Anger and Irritability”. I like that book and re-read it a few times.

THERE, that ought to keep you busy for a while. Again, let me apologize for not running this through at least one Edit, but I am an old man and my back is killing me….

Dear Leo,

You seem a very interesting individual.
Thank you for your opinions.

(i) Lucidity - Yes, i realized you were referring to my mother. But i had wanted to point out, that i am guilty of the same thing despite the ability to be cognizant of the situation, which you noticed.

(ii) You mentioned you had read these books several times. Can i take it that you have successfully beaten a similar condition? If so, which particular methods worked for you? (yes, i will be reading the books anyway)

Regards,

Momo

Leo Volont wrote:
Dear Momo,

My but you are paying attention… and thinking well ahead of me. When I spoke of it appearing as though some people are going about the World as though they are Effectively Unconscious, that is, like sophisticated automatons or lifelike Zombies, well, I was referring entirely in the direction of your mother. I don’t think I even spent a second contemplating whether the description applied to you. But now that you mention it…. If some Disembodied Floating Point of Objective Perception was following you around and recording and evaluating you entirely on your Behavior, without knowing what you are actually thinking underneath it all, well, perhaps that Point of Perception would regard you as just One More of Them – The Walking Dead, just another example of the Unreflective Automaton. Of course, from what you have written, We Know that you are far more than that. Indeed, you seem to have Extraordinary Cognitive and Reflective Skills. You are just not in the habit of applying them. .

Dear Momo,

Oh my, what a question! Let me answer it this way -- I am very familiar with the Scientific Method and how Experiments should be Controlled, that is, one really needs to limit the variables involved, your know, if you stir One Thing into a beaker full of germs and they die, well, you KNOW what killed them, but if you stir ten things into the beaker all at once and the germs die, well, then you have no idea which thing killed them, or they might just have died of having Over Eaten! Such is my case. I took every book quite seriously… well, not quite. Some books ask you to write things out and keep journals and take little tests. The Authors mean well, and some people probably actually Do all that stuff. I never did. Yes, never. Reading and thinking and Doing what was recommended, in all of the books that I even had a moderate respect for, well, ALL OF IT WORKED. I am now quite at peace. I Never Swear anymore (swearing is how most people Open the Gate for Anger… if Anger is safe in a Can, well, Swearing is the Can opener). Nobody ruffles me, and keep smiling even when Customer Service People tell me disappointing things. I can be cut off in traffic, needing to slam on my breaks, and the most I will say is “My that was a close one… that guy really should be more careful”. Oh, but there is a caution. Everyone who had ever SEEN you when you were Angry will never forget it. These People can’t believe you have Really Changed and think that any moment you are going to blow. For people who had had serious Anger Issues, well, once you Fix Them, it would probably be best to move and get a Job in another City and start fresh where you will soon be known as a Local Saint. Back where you came from you will Always be looked at with concern and suspicion.

Oh!.... But I can give you a General Idea of What KIND of book most appeals to me. It is the School of Psychology from which All of the More Successful Anger Management Books spring from: Cognitive Behavior Therapy. The basic idea behind Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is that that if People are Made Intellectually Aware that they have a Solvable Problem and given a Method that seems Reasonable to them for Fixing it, by simply adjusting their Behavior, then they will Do It and solve their problem. The Older Schools of Psychology wanted to address CAUSES – they tried to blame childhood traumas and abuse and all of that. Cognitive Behavior Therapy largely disregards all of that. We KNOW you WANT to ACT OUT in an Angry Way, and maybe for what you FEEL are very good reasons, but since you KNOW intellectually that you DO have control over your Behavior, with practice, then you can simply Choose Not To Respond to your Negative and Hateful Feelings, whatever their cause. Cognitive Behavior Therapy also addressed Mindless Habits and Fixed Orbit Patterns….

A good Book for that would be James Ashley, “Cognitive and Dialectical Behavior Therapy Unleashed”. Of course there is a great big expensive book on Cognitive Behavior Therapy, but it was priced like a college text book and I could not afford it…. But, since we are talking about it… maybe I should start budgeting my money. I already kind of saved money. I am retired, but I am studying Mathematics for a possible Second Career. I am almost through Trig and Analytical Geometry and will be ready to launch a full assault on Calculus. I was nervous because I already bought a hugely expensive Calculus Book, but since that purchase I have learned by experience that perhaps the Best Text Books out there for Math are from the Publishing House of Brooks/Cole and Centage Learning. I checked the book I have and, thank God, I lucked out… it was Brooks/Cole Centage Learning. So that frees up some money I was ready to spend….

Again, good luck. Do keep me informed of your progress. Let me know I I can be of help with anything. Oh, one of the things to look for in oneself is what Poker Players and Football Players, and probably other athletes call ‘a Tell’ a Sign that you are about to do something… a sign you give off that you may be totally unaware of. For me, if I am about to Behave Angrily, my jaw muscles tense up. I have learned to catch that instantaneously. It’s my signal to tell myself YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW! That is the kind of stuff you will be learning about yourself….

Can you accept that the response you have towards your mother may be the most appropriate response for you right now?

JuliusFawcett wrote:Can you accept that the response you have towards your mother may be the most appropriate response for you right now?

...Yes but the point of my post is to override it.

I would much rather be nice to her while she is still here than feel vindicated in my responses.

Forgiveness, acceptance and gratitude are the most powerful tools for remaining calm in the face of provocation.

And sometimes when we can't accept someones behaviour, it is useful to bring acceptance to our non-acceptance.

momo7 wrote:

JuliusFawcett wrote:Can you accept that the response you have towards your mother may be the most appropriate response for you right now?

...Yes but the point of my post is to override it.

I would much rather be nice to her while she is still here than feel vindicated in my responses.

Hmmmmm....

My conjecture is that if we all just 'went with the flow', followed out animal instincts, and did what came most naturally... treating that Kind of Thing as though it were the Appropriate Response, well, Half of us would probably be Mass Murderers, and the other Half of us would probably be Dead... killed by all those Mass Murderers making their 'appropriate responses'.

yes, Anger Management Pages are Here for a Very Good Reason, and it is because Controlling Negative and Hurtful Responses.... and how can that type of thing EVER BE Appropriate... , well, Disciplines Self Control does not come Naturally -- it is a skill that can be Learned and which can be Taught. We should take advantage if that mechanism.

Sometimes shouting at someone, or swearing at them is appropriate.

Other elements that are worth taking into consideration are more life style based.

Eating the right amount of healthy food.

Drinking the right amount of healthy drinks.

Taking the right amount of healthy exercise.

Getting a good balance between work, rest and play.

Dropping the imperatives from our self talk. ie changing the must do, have to, should do, need to and using can do, maybe do , might do, could do. This is a surprisingly calming change that anyone can make with a little practice and a willingness to change and let go of resistance to change.

You should try to control yourself and be conscious about it. Try to do something you like and find a hobby to try and make yourself feel happier and then resulting with happier vibes. If nothing helps, try to get some hypnotherapy to change your bad habits

JuliusFawcett wrote:Sometimes shouting at someone, or swearing at them is appropriate.

.

In Civilized Society, uncouth and vulgar behavior is never appropriate. Well, unless you are a 'Billionaire', more often than not filing for Bankruptcy, who is running for Public Office.

But Decent People live and act Decently. Stooping to Barbarism is never appropriate.

prololies wrote:You should try to control yourself and be conscious about it. Try to do something you like and find a hobby to try and make yourself feel happier and then resulting with happier vibes. If nothing helps, try to get some hypnotherapy to change your bad habits

The Best Hobby, considering the Situation would be to dabble with Anger Management and attempt to become an amateur expert. Most other hobbies are a relative waste of time, no? After all, many people take up hobbies explicitly to 'Kill Time'.

yes, when engaged with one's Butterfly Collection or whatever, one can be at perfect ease and enjoy great peace of mind. But in Our Poster's Situation, well, when 'Mom' walks into the Room, well, there is nothing that any usual Hobby could do for her.... her Mother's ability to annoy and irritate could eclipse the Sun.