Is there a way to make it work?

**Posts:** 5 · by **hauswife** » Tue Mar 01, 2016 7:04 am

I have been married for 10 years, my husband has always been hot headed. We had several physical altercations and many screaming matches, I used to think that it was all due to alcohol but I stopped drinking and my husband drinks less but things have only gotten worse.
Since the birth of our daughter nearly 2 years ago I started to be more sensitive to his outbursts because I am aware of my daughter seeing this behavior. I don't want her to think that it's ok for her husband to scream at her or criticize her until she cries.
I'm an intelligent person and I also try to remain clam and objective but he can find ways to drag me into it with him. One trigger that works well is calling me controlling or nagging. If we do talk about his behavior it can go one of two ways, either he starts screaming that he is a loser and beating himself, then he will come down and promise to change, or he abuses me verbally. He never seeks professional help although we have talked about it. He says that when I ask him questions or say something in a tone, he feels under attack and lashes out. About a month ago he choked me after we got into an argument and he was sober.
I have decided that I want to leave him, but I need to find full time work as I work part-time now and could not support my daughter. I want to make sure that we remain on good terms and I want him to be a good dad to our daughter.
I guess I want advice about everything. Should I get a divorce? Does he need therapy? Will his behavior change if we are separated? Is it better for our daughter if we stay in the same house?

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Tue Mar 01, 2016 2:06 pm

hauswife wrote:I guess I want advice about everything. Should I get a divorce? Does he need therapy? Will his behavior change if we are separated? Is it better for our daughter if we stay in the same house?

Do you need therapy? Will your behavior change? Is it better if your daughter stays with her father?

Your focus is on him...on changing him....what about you?

**Posts:** 5 · by **hauswife** » Tue Mar 01, 2016 3:16 pm

That makes sense, I always think about it like I will be fine. But I think I will set up a meeting with a therapist because that is the type of advice that I am seeking.
I want to change but as far as leaving my daughter she is only 20 months old and I think leaving kids is always a bad idea but especially at such a young age.

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Tue Mar 01, 2016 3:23 pm

housewife wrote:...as far as leaving my daughter she is only 20 months old and I think leaving kids is always a bad idea but especially at such a young age.

I agree you should go see a therapist to help work through the issue and figure out the best path.

If you think leaving kids is always a bad idea, then why does it not also hold true that your husband should not leave his daughter at 20 months old with you? You seem to be looking at it as if you can take your daughter from him and that is okay, but it would be a bad idea if he was take your daughter from you.

**Posts:** 5 · by **hauswife** » Tue Mar 01, 2016 3:31 pm

No I want to leave him as in end our relationship. My mother knows a couple who is living together for their 9-yearold but the mom at least dates other people ( the dad is still in love with her and a bit of a pushover) I want to have space but that does not mean that my daughter would never see her father, ideally we would remain in the same home. I was asking if anyone knows more about how those type of things work when there is anger issues at play.
My father left when I was born and my mother left my grandparents to raise me until I was 5, I do not want my daughter to be in the same limbo.
Also he leaves her with me everyday and also spends little time with her when he is home. However whenever we fight he makes extra effort with her, and part of me thinks that if we separated that would end the stress of the relationship and we would just treat each other like people and my daughter would get that type of attention from him more.

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Tue Mar 01, 2016 3:41 pm

hauswife wrote:No I want to leave him as in end our relationship.

I understand you want to leave and that might very well be the correct thing to do, but it is incorrect to rationalize that it would not be okay for you to be without your daughter, but it would be okay for him to be without his daughter. He is the father. Regardless of your personal opinion of the number of hours he spends with her, that doesn't mean much. You are part-time and a house wife, so by default you spend more time with her. That doesn't then mean you get to take her away from him. That is your rationalization. Had you been working and he stayed home, I doubt you would say it is then okay for him to leave you and take your daughter.

This is why seeking therapy would be a good idea, to work through these kinds of issues. Have you tried couples therapy?

**Posts:** 5 · by **hauswife** » Tue Mar 01, 2016 4:18 pm

I know you don't know me, and it doesn't really matter but I was not saying it wanted to take our daughter from my husband, I wouldn't do that as I said losing a parent is damaging. I never once said that I wanted to take her away. I said I wanted to leave but do not have the financial resources yet.
We have talked about it, but then he always says "you don't have any issues, it's me I need help etc." so we never work on things together. I asked a friend for a referral to a therapist for me so maybe they can refer us

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Tue Mar 01, 2016 4:37 pm

Okay, when you said leaving your daughter is a bad idea for you, I interpreted that as him having to visit you and your daughter. I can see where if you leave your daughter with him and then you have visitation or share custody, then you would not be leaving your daughter. You would see her every so often and that is technically not leaving her.

Or do you mean the opposite? Where he visits?

This is why it is very tricky and I really feel for your daughter. It is not at all an easy situation. What is best for you might be leaving your husband. Normally in a clear cut abusive situation I am all for creating distance, but you say you also became physical with him in the past. Your relationship was founded based on mutual physical abuse. Not healthy and it sounds like you have changed slightly, but when you say nagging/controlling this can be just another form of abuse.

Bottom line you have been in a mutually abusive relationship for years, basically since the beginning of the relationship. Not healthy.

I hope Wondergurl responds, as she has more knowledge when it comes to children being involved. Without your daughter involved I would easily tell you to leave and then work on yourself. There would be no question. It is the daughter and your idea that you have in some sense more right to the daughter than he does that concerns me.

**Posts:** 263 · by **handheart** » Wed Apr 06, 2016 1:54 pm

Well i think you must have patient and wait a bit longer to divorce .Speak to him and tell him that you cannot continue on this way he must let alcohol because it will destroy family ,this its not good for your daughter because its afect her a lot .But if yu do your best and you see that you dont come to a solution to him maybe you must divorce until will destroy your life also and your daughter .

**Posts:** 34 · by **prololies** » Tue Apr 12, 2016 11:53 am

Get together one night and talk about it when you both are calm or in a good mood. If it doesn't work, try therapy. Maybe he is just really stressed about his work that's why he is so aggressive. Maybe you could try make some dessert for him every once in a while, everyone loves dessert and they relief stress

**Posts:** 59 · by **darmos653** » Tue Apr 12, 2016 1:31 pm

In my unqualified opinion it looks to me like the therapy avenue should not be left unexplored. It can help with anger issues and could ultimately provide the best outcome for all concerned. If it didn't work or help then the separation option, ideally on mutually agreed terms, would need to be considered because frequent outbursts of mutual anger is not a good situation for you or your child or him.

**Posts:** 58 · by **betawarrior** » Mon Apr 25, 2016 11:39 pm

I'm sorry, but if your husband is abusive to the point where he is choking you, then you need to get out of that relationship immediately. Now that he has choked you and you have stayed with him, he will only continue his bad behavior because he knows he can get away with it. Not only that, but verbally abusing you the way he has been can only be traumatizing to you and it will have negative effects on you down the road. He is not going to change and you NEED to keep you and your daughter safe.

I know this doesn't sound like a solution because you work part-time, but staying in an abusive relationship will only make your life worse.

Is there a way to make it work?

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