I (18F) am living with my mother (59F) and brother (26M). My dad passed away when I was 11 and my mother was left to raise me on her own.
I think I've always been an angry person though I can't exactly place a finger on when it started. As a child I do remember yelling a lot, and when I got a bit older (9 or 10) I remember throwing books, kicking bags, and slamming doors whenever I got mad (and this was all when my dad was still alive). After his death, I actually mellowed out a bit, but it was clear that my mom was understandably getting stressed with all the new responsibility that just shifted on her. I think this is around the time when she started to become more weary and snap more often.
I think my own anger stems from years of being bullied at school and annoyed by my brother. In school I always managed to not show my anger, and to this day I don't show a hint of anger when I'm around other people (I actually am quite carefree and joke around whenever something triggers me in public). However, with my brother it's a completely different situation. I don't remember a single moment in my life where he talked to me seriously. His only aim is to find what triggers me and constantly annoy me throughout the day based on that. For example: his room is right next to mine, whenever I'm trying to focus and study he is constantly making random noises in the room next to me. He constantly passes by my room, tries to see what I'm doing, annoys me, and leaves. Whenever me and my mom fight he always sticks his head in, and instead of trying to help, follows me around whispering "it's your fault," "fix this." He makes racist jokes because he knows I'm sensitive on social issues. I know these things would be minuscule at first, but in my 18 years I don't remember a single moment in which our interaction wasn't one of annoyance. I remember I tried to tell him to calmly stop at first, I tried to ignore him, but none of those worked. When I was seven or eight I remember hitting him and yelling. That was the only moment he shut up. I don't hurt him when I hit him but it's of course still violent nonetheless. I was never able to control this impulse as a child, and as a result I am violent and yell whenever my brother does the tiniest thing to this day because it's the only thing that shuts him up. It's completely ruined my relationship with him. Whenever I try to talk to him about it he shuts me out like he does with everyone.
My relationship with both my mom and my brother has completely deteriorated. With my brother, we only fight, violently and verbally. With my mother it's become moments of happiness and great relations, and sudden outbursts from both of us. For the past two years, we've fought almost everyday. Whenever she looks at me she constantly picks on my acne. Whenever we go out she insults my clothing style (she just thinks I'm not fashionable). Whenever she cooks me something I don't like she always yells asking me why I don't like it. I always make things worse by yelling, cursing, and insulting her, and no matter how much I tell myself to shut up, it feels like my brain will explode and my body will convulse if I don't yell and throw something. At its worst I also lightly push or hit my mom sometimes. For example, yesterday I really wanted to see some fireworks and everything was fine with us at first, but my mom wanted to record them to send to my cousin in Australia. I spent the entire minute trying to teach her how to record on her phone and missed the fireworks. Instead of being grateful for the live music and food we just experienced, or thanking my mother for being with me and bringing me, I stomped off and started yelling at her when we were alone. Of course, 5 minutes later I felt a deep sense of shame as I realized how shitty my behavior was and started crying and apologizing to her. This has also been a constant with me since I was a kid. Most of our arguments happen because she is obsessed with appearances rather than experiences, and I am obsessed with having every experience happen as perfectly as I envisioned it in my head. We're both extremely stubborn and she is constantly trying to push her own ways onto me as well.
I hate who I've become and have suicidal thoughts once a week (these thoughts come and go have not harmed myself). My mom and brother are the only family I have, but my relationship with them is terrible as you can see. But most of all I'm scared for my future. If I can't control these violent tendencies now I'm afraid I'll become physically abusive in the future. I'm ready to go to a psychiatrist and I've created an anger management tracker for 2019 but Day One and I've already failed. Please give me any suggestions for improvement. Will I be able to improve my anger in an environment like my home? I know I may sound spoiled or entitled but I'm just trying to work on myself
TLDR: I'm fighting with my mom and brother everyday over small things. I've become violently angry and feel like I will explode if I don't hit or throw something. Management suggestions?