Feeling ridiculous

Dear Elsie (The Wonder Cat)

Hmmmm… your ‘name’ makes me wonder that you must like Cats… do you have any? I have 4.

But, now, to our Anger Business.

Oh, yes, your Experience reads like a Typical Episode of Explosive Anger… though with the Carrot Peelings, it borders upon Violent Rage. But, yes, this is fairly typical of the kind of Episode that alerts Individuals that they might have a ‘little itty bitty Problem’ with Anger. You see, you present us with Several Common Elements of the typical Anger Episode: First, we have a ‘Trigger’ – in this Case the Trigger is a Re-occurrence of a Repeating Inconvenience, Insult, Frustration or Attack, specifically ‘that same darn Van parking in your spot’.

The Second Element contributing to the Anger was the Effective Declaration of Hostility by the Van Driver, by refusing what had been a Polite Request made by your ‘Partner’ (you are SO Lucky to have such a nice and Civilized Partner… I hope ‘this’ doesn’t scare him away… I myself would have been ‘Out the Door’ with ‘All my Bags’ 5 minutes later! ). You see, Human Beings EVOLVED for Millions of Years as Social Animals, and the Primary Unit of Socialization had been the ‘Tribe’ (optimum size – about 100 to 150 people). In a Tribe, everything and everybody is Arranged by Status and Dominance Considerations and Everybody know their Relative Place in that Closed Social Milieu. So in a Perfect Tribal World, the Only Reason you would have made a Request was because you were Entitled to Make that Request, and the Other Person, a Member of your Tribe, would have been Obliged to comply. But when this Van Driver, a ‘Stranger’ and ‘Outsider’, defied your Polite Request… well, you Responded to an Effective Declaration of Tribal Warfare by, well, Going to War! In This Scheme of Things, YOU were Perfectly Right, BUT, that is what gets Angry People in So Much Trouble nowadays. You see, the Tribal Way of Thinking is NOT how Modern Civilization Works. Of course SOME Cultures are MORE Civilized than others. I am almost Certain that what happened to you would not happen Anywhere in Japan, Korea or China. In Such Cultures as one find in the Old Confucian Societies the GROUP takes precedence over the Individual, but in America and the West in general, the Rugged Individual is the Primary Social Unit, and so we have almost Every Individual at Constant War with every other Individual… in effect, a Society of Individuals is really No Society at All – it is merely a Battlefield where the Best that might be Expected is that all these Individuals find it convenient to live in Truce most of the time while resting between all of the Combats that inevitably Occur amidst all of the ‘Healthy Competition’. So while you would have more Sympathy in Asia for your plight, in America or Europe your Right to your Own Parking Spot, without presenting a Property Deed, could certainly be Challenged by a simple Refusal. The Police could do nothing but referee the Fight! Your Partner was completely Correct in his Appraisal of the Situation… that he asked nicely and was gruffly refused, but that in effect exhausted Every Possible Civilized Recourse, given the Facts of our So-Called ‘Civilization’. Of course you already know that what you did, had it been reported to the Authorities or your Landlord or whomsoever, well, you might have gotten in some serious trouble. So, Yes, one Reason You and many other have Anger Issues is that we live in a Very Nasty Society that tends to Trigger such things. It may seem an Unfair Burden placed upon us to Deal with Anger …to Manage Anger… that would not exist if Only Society were to Be as Society Should Be… but that is to Cry over Spilled Milk. We live in a Very Imperfect and Neglected and Ignorant Corner of the World, and we simply have to learn to Deal with It on its Own Terms. (oh, I thought of a Footnote. I have spoken of how Polite and Civilized the Asian Communities are… but during the Wars, there arose many stories of these Nice Polite People simply Flipping Out and going Crazy with Atrocities. You see, these People are so CONDITIONED to the Comforts and Certainty of living in a virtual Perfectly Polite Society, that when confronted with the Overt Rudeness of an Enemy (such as a Defiant American cussing under his breath, sneering, or spitting on the ground at their feet) they just have No Experience in Dealing with That Kind of Thing, and so they go ‘Completely Animal’ and destructive Atavistic Instincts takes over. But here in the West, the Blessing in Our Curse is that we are very used to Rudeness and can deal with defiance and contempt more or less in our strides, as your Partner was able to show).

Now, lets Move Onto the Management Side of the Question. In order to MANAGE your Anger you need to Prepare for it, in order to catch it in the Bud. First, in regards to Repeating Triggers. You should have KNOWN that that Van would be likely to Provoke you. So you should have Planned on NOT allowing it to Provoke you. Yes, you can make the Polite Request, BUT you would need to go into the situation WILLING to accept a Refusal, and with some kind of a sketchy PLAN on how you would accept such a Refusal in a Socially Acceptable Way … even an abrupt, sneering and almost insulting Refusal. The most you would be allowed to say, in order to ‘vent’ your disappointment would be “Well! Don’t expect a Christmas Card from Me!”.

Secondly, there is the THING that Makes You, and everybody else, SEE RED, and Fires Up all the Craziness and Garbage Throwing involved in these Anger Episodes – that is Adrenaline. Now, most people think that Adrenaline Hits Instantaneously – that One Moment you are Fine and the very Next Moment you are Way Over the Top. Yes, it seems to happen that quickly, BUT, it actually takes A FEW SECONDS for that much Adrenaline to deploy in your Blood and Nervous Systems. This Gives you a Few Seconds to Shut down the Process. I have found for myself, that the First Hint of Adrenaline causes my Jaws to Clench… I grit my Teeth. Maybe it is the same for Everybody, but Whatever the First Sign of Adrenaline is, For YOU, you should get to know What it Is. Stopping It… well, stopping the Adrenaline is actually very easy. You just Will It, or Want it to Stop. For instance, if One of my Kitties gets naughty, as soon as I feel my Jaws Clench, I THINK “NO!”, and that simple Wish shuts down the Adrenaline, and I am able to handle the Naughty Kitty in some positive and considerate way.

Well, I need to learn Not to dump Complete Books into the laps of you New Members, so I will bring this post to a close. BUT, tell me what you think of what I said, and from there we can Move onto to the Further Details of Anger Management…

Hi Elsie,

In the situation that you have described, it seems to me that your reaction was out of proportion, because you weren't in the best physical and emotional state at the moment. Let me explain what I mean. You just spent 8 hours at work, you also went grocery shopping, and after you returned home from this long day at work with a bag of groceries, all you wanted to do was to finally get some rest. But what you found instead was someone else's vehicle in your driveway, and now you had to make some extra effort to park your car.

Because you were probably tired physically and emotionally, and hungry or dehydrated, you couldn't have reacted as calmly as you would have in your best physical and emotional state.

Of course, that's only part of the reason. I'm sure your emotional scars from the past have played a role as well.

However, in my own life I try to make sure that I am always rested, that I've eaten and drank enough water, and that I had at least 7 hours of sleep. Because when I'm not in my best shape, that's when I start losing my temper sometimes.

Hope this helps. And let me know if you ever need to talk.

Thank you both for your input so much, Your insight is very interesting and makes sense, especially from the point of view of being tired and not rested enough. I am actually starting some counselling this week with my boyfriend just to help take the pressure off hopefully. I have since had an incident where I got home and another car was parked in my place, which got me mad but I was able to stop myself and calm myself after a few seconds. It was frustrating but I just kept remembering how much energy the above reaction took out of me and how stupid i felt the next day, and i let it go. It DOES feel so much better when you can let it go! I was amazed. I really want to make an effort at enjoying life, because when i am I feel wonderful. It seems so easy but in the heat of the moment, it really is a difficult thing to do.

Hi again Elsie,

Great job on stopping yourself with the second incident! And good for you that you are starting counselling!

I am sure that with your awareness of the problem and some qualified help you will soon be able to put these anger incidents behind you!

elsiethewondercat wrote:
1. I think it stems from being bullied in a number of different ways during a number of different stages of my life.

2. My partner is a placid laid back person who does not do confrontation. When he told me this, my blood boiled to the point I screamed and was ready to go and smash this guys

3. Why does it work like that? Why did it bother me so? Just looking for anyone with experience or insight. Thanks

Hi Elsie,

You gave the answers to your problem by yourself.

I will tell you the truth about your life. Here we go:

You are hurt in your life. Not once, but often. Right or wrong? I guess it starts with your parents.
You are hurt and the normal reaction on it is..... angry. It's a total normally reaction.
You never took the time to really process this feelings of iniquity and express all that anger that's inside.
The big brother of anger is... hatred.
If you are hurt, and do not express your feelings (in a good way) than you push down that feelings, and because of that you start hating yourself, and projecting that on the ones who has hurt you.

Read again and again the former sentence please until you really understand.

You survive in life, you have developed an attitude of proud. Proud is always telling you: I have no problem.
As soon as something is pointing with one fingertip to that inner pain, you explode.

My partner is a placid laid back person who does not do confrontation. When he told me this, my blood boiled to the point I screamed and was ready to go and smash this guys

Your blood boiled because you are not able to say: Ehhh well,I think you are right.
Proud is hiding the truth. And because of this proud you neglect that you have a problem, and project is on others.

The result of this developed attitude, is, that when somebody gets over your boundaries again, all that old anger comes up. It's shouting in your head: ANOTHER ONE WHO IS TRYING TO HURT ME. GO AWAY YOU BASTERD OR I WILL K#LL YOU.

My advice to you is:
1. Admit that you HAVE a problem.
2. Admit that it's YOUR problem and not the problem of anybody else.
3. Look for some help if possible to clean up the inner mess. All that old emotions need to be expressed,need to be FEELED and expressed. Stop running away from this old pain, but FACE it. /Edit: I just read you already took a step. Great!!
4. The more you FACE your pain, the more peace will come into your mind and heart..
5. You have to learn some good ways to confront people when they walks over your boundaries. That is a skill you can develop.
6. Learn to say "I think you are right"
7. Learn to say sorry.

You have also a lack of self-esteem. Because of that you HAD / HAVE the anxiety to set your boundaries and give the people who hurt you some reply. At least., that's what I guess

So you also need to find a way to "become your true self".

Just my few thoughts about it.

Thank you Roady.

You make some very interesting observations. I guess i do have a rational side and view about myself when looking in from the outside, it's just in the heat of the moment that I cannot control/couldn't control my temper. As I say, I have been working on that recently and have had some positive outsomes. Sometimes I do find myself just driving along and will think back to something negative from the past or about a person that has done me wrong and I'm all tense and clenched teeth for no reason other than remembering a bad memory. I know I have to stop, the past is the past and i shouldnt let it affect me know but I think one memory can trigger a whole chain of events and it's like a dog with a bone, you can't let go.

I found your comment;

than you push down that feelings, and because of that you start hating yourself, and projecting that on the ones who has hurt you.

really interesting. I feel like i have maybe suffered from Body dismorphia disorder, however maybe my self hate or self critiscism does stem from not feeling good enough thanks to the level of negativity i feel i have received from other people. Was i giving off some kind of vibe in the first place to receive this negativity? Where did it start with me or with them? It all feels like a bit of a viscious circle really.

You are right though that I need to tackle the issues/feelings and get to the bottom of things rather than push things down year after year only to explode like a volcano at the most stupid of things, i guess these things are just straws on a camel's back.

Thanks again for all your input and advice. Wish me luck with the counselling which starts tomorrow..

You're very welcome,
glad that it helped you a bit.

elsiethewondercat wrote: I know I have to stop, the past is the past and i shouldnt let it affect me

That's what I hear people yelling all the time. The only truth in there is, that these people are pushing emotions back themselves. They are afraid of their own emotions and in the hurry because of that fear they just shout something.

I have gone through things and I am talking from my own experiences. If you face the pain, it will disappear.
You have really no idea how great things can change in the positive direction.
Keep in mind when visiting your counselor: you will experience feelings of fear, but actually you are afraid to face that pain. But that isn't worse than not facing it at all and keep pushing it back.

know but I think one memory can trigger a whole chain of events and it's like a dog with a bone, you can't let go.

You see it exactly as it is.
Pain and bad memories are connected to each other. It then works like gun powder.
If someone is telling you something that has a connection to that bad memory, it's like a little flame in that tub of gun powder: KA-BOOOOOOM
What's happening when gun powder is brought to explosion: all the forces comes out and it will cause an strong air pressure. Same with your inner anger: you will experience lot's of pressure, because all that anger wants to come out. No wonder that anger can hurt or literally kill people.....

I found your comment;

than you push down that feelings, and because of that you start hating yourself, and projecting that on the ones who has hurt you.

really interesting. I feel like i have maybe suffered from Body dismorphia disorder, however maybe my self hate or self critiscism does stem from not feeling good enough thanks to the level of negativity i feel i have received from other people.

Was i giving off some kind of vibe in the first place to receive this negativity? Where did it start with me or with them? It all feels like a bit of a viscious circle really.

Only you know where it begun. These memories are only in your head.
You will found out if you work your process just step by step. It can help to spend time alone. Go walking in the bushes and just let it happen. Feel what 's inside. Try to connect to that anger.

You are right though that I need to tackle the issues/feelings and get to the bottom of things rather than push things down year after year only to explode like a volcano at the most stupid of things, i guess these things are just straws on a camel's back.

Very well thought! I think you see exactly what is going on.

Thanks again for all your input and advice. Wish me luck with the counselling which starts tomorrow..

Well....

Good luck !