Hey Forum, my name is ******* and im 23 y old and I am about to share my wierd journey hoping to bond with someone that also has 1 weird journey they haven’t deared open up too.
So I’m first going to talk about my life before smoking marijuana, I was always an chubby child (male) I had it abit difficult in school, for mainly my self esteem.
When I became 17 started a new school I met a girl, to make a long story I fell in love she did not have reflecting feelings. I found out that she spoke and also had sex with her ex for over 1 month talking to me (during this time we had sex 1 time).
However the chubby child with braces took this very very personally so during the summer break I started smoking a sh** ton of weed, not eating food either (self destructive behavior) even though I also had fun smoking. I lost 20kgs during 3 months. I could not wait to come back to school and show myself off, now that I lost alot of fat I started to workout and eat GOOD. So now I’m beginning to get healthy. Using my rage of this girl in the beginning made me train like an absolute beast.
I became very fit very fast also smoking weed during this time, I kept training for 3 years and also I was smoking for these three years. I got my dream body so I went from fat to fit.
Ok and now I quit my job and I went to visit Barcelona to live there for 3 months.
I visit Barcelona with my perfect body im happier then ever and so so positive (I’m still smoking at this point).
I’m atm working as an salesman on the phone, I’m living with my friend who came with me,
I’m really happy in Barcelona and everything is fine, after the 3 months I go back to my home county because I missed home.
I get a new stressful job and it is now where it gets dark.
About 6 months in to the new job I get a lot of stress, I also lost a lot of money at this period making me feel very stressed and empty.
I’m very new to these kinds of feelings at this stage.
So I’m about to smoke after this stressful period and I knew I should not smoke now but I did..
After smoking a few hits I felt extremely extremely anxious, leading to an suffocating panic attack.
At this stage I had been eating a lot of junk food prioritizing job before the gym also, so at this point I also “lost” my summerbody.
After this panic attack I am actually in some way not the same person anymore silly as it sounds, i even called 911 thinking I would die. I would come up with random assumptions like maybe my pollen allergy is kicking in? Just crazy thoughts flowing through my brain at this stage.
So now u decided to quit smoking weed and I am still feeling very very stressed ALL the time. I also developed abit of OCD during this anxious period.
I actually went to see a therapist after a while because my panic attack’s were controlled now by hypochondria... (like literally I thought I was allergic to peanuts like wtf is that). At this stage I am now controlled by eating disorder (looking if there is peanuts in different kinds of foods). I’m literally so out of my body here (maybe cannabis withdrawals?) derealization 100%
Therapist helped me control my thiughts and I’m also working with myself daily with meditation etc also working out. (Also fixed my eating disorder).
I’m 23 y today and I feel abit lost to be honest, I’m living my life but more limited to when I was smoking weed and training like crazy.
Today I CANNOT smoke weed anymore at all, I get extremely panicked when I smoke.
I really miss smoking weed because it once made me feel so peaceful and not stressed at all.
Today it seems impossible to get these kinds of highs just because of that one panic attack.
I’m out of shape atm, more stressed than before. Got my own place and car (this means a lot of bills, which means more stress).
I want to smoke weed again without fear, I want to do things without thinking to much like I didn’t do before.
What is the reason for me changing so much!?
My self esteem was soo good before now it’s sh** and it feels like I have to do something about it!
Please dear uncommon forum i apologize if anything in this story is weird to understand and thank you for reading my story.
Would appreciate feedback/thoughts