Social Distance

What? I remember you telling me that people and communities don't come together, that people are only out for themselves and nothing more.

I'm glad you are getting to experience what I have experienced repeatedly, disaster after disaster after disaster. Sure, there are some people that are just jerks, but for the most part communities, friends, neighbors, family, and businesses come together to help each other, not tear each other apart or take advantage of one another.

Alas, that you think that some permanent change will occur is wishful thinking. Unlike you, most people are comfortable with social interaction. Most people enjoy a greater degree of hustle and bustle. When the virus has passed things will go back to how they were. The world isn't going to change for you. You are the one that must use this opportunity to adjust how you choose to see things and how you choose to interact with the world.

I appreciate your feedback. I dunno, this just strengthens my position on introvertness. I feel so much better physically and mentally, I feel happier. Traffic is good, the noise has gone waaay down, shopping isnt too bad unless its the grocery store. People are drawing happy things with chalk on sidewalks, kids are making movies and playing and making more art, families are doing more together, people are a little kinder, honking horns to thank our truckers or our hospital workers, being more humble, (and yes some are just--well open coughing everywhere and being an idiot and hoarding etc). I will agree, I was surprised by the sense of community I have witnessed over all. It took a little bit though bc in the begining alot of ppl were turning a blind eye (ppl in my life anyways), then it seemed to change. Just shows whos who. I know the world will go back to the same..but I dont think 100%. I think from now on most people will think twice about just being all up on everyone and things, some may of been like "hmm I kinda like working from home, or maybe I need to pay attention to my family more" and make carrier changes...I dont think one pulls outta something like this without a small impact, but yes overall Im sure the hussle and bussle will continue. What I do not get is why you think one who likes quiet and more solitude needs to be enlightened to the fast pace noise pollution over socialization of society though? I think its simply different strokes for different folks as we all are different, our makeup isnt exact and certain things may be triggers for some ppl, or make ppl happy or sad. Example I hate collard greens but my mom loves them. I wouldnt try to convince her why she should dislike them, nor would I want her to say "your missing out" on eating this...when I know..I dislike it. (tried it..gross). Its just- to each its own. Have you not gained any postive notes on yourself from the self distancing we all are doing...at all??

CandyApples wrote: What I do not get is why you think one who likes quiet and more solitude needs to be enlightened to the fast pace noise pollution over socialization of society though?

Maybe I misunderstand. Maybe I have been misinterpreting all of your posts about how miserable you are in this world and how much disdain you have for other people.

I don't see your posts as simple rants or venting of an otherwise happy person. People normally seek advice to help reduce their suffering.

And I'm not suggesting that you become enlightened to the world. Not at all. I'm suggesting that the only path forward to help reduce your negativity is for you to become more aware of you. To become self-enlightened. I'm suggesting that you lack and avoid being self-enlightened, choosing to instead focus your energy on what is in your opinion wrong with the external world, what is wrong with other people.

I think its simply different strokes for different folks as we all are different, our makeup isnt exact and certain things may be triggers for some ppl, or make ppl happy or sad. Example I hate collard greens but my mom loves them. I wouldnt try to convince her why she should dislike them, nor would I want her to say "your missing out" on eating this...when I know..I dislike it. (tried it..gross). Its just- to each its own.

Many of your threads seem to be a rant about how you are somehow being forced to eat collard greens. You want more friends, but not if this means eating collard greens. You want to be happy, but this is impossible in a world where collard greens are lurking around every corner. In your world you can never avoid collard greens, even though eating them is a choice that you can make.

Have you not gained any postive notes on yourself from the self distancing we all are doing...at all??

I have been "self-distancing" for a minimum of 8 years. I sold everything and left Las Vegas in March of 2012 and headed down to South America. I already live a relatively quiet life of solitude (compared to most). The majority of my work has been online for 8 years. This means any "positive notes" is really more just me observing others do what I have been doing for many years.

I guess the thing is, I realize that no one is forcing me to eat collard greens. I don't think you realize that yet. Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems like you believe that the world "triggers" you instead of acknowledging that you are the actual cause of your triggers. I'm not sure if that makes sense.

CandyApples wrote:I dont think one pulls outta something like this without a small impact, but yes overall Im sure the hussle and bussle will continue.

Unlikely to make enough of a dent to slow destruction of the planet we all live (and die) on. https://www.worldometers.info/world-population/

Folks,

Of course people react to big changes in routine, especially when driven by such a health catastrophe. These reactions can be very different. For myself, the quiet world does seem to calm me, making me feel quite guilty for feeling better at such a frightening time. Maybe the dread is sublimated?

I certainly do feel sad and worried for others, particularly people suffering from anxiety and depression who are unhappy alone or with someone who is not good for them. We have a neighbour who spends a lot of time alone, but works in a nursing home as a health professional. When she told me that her employer was likely to send her home due to corona virus risks, she was devastated and really fearful. My wife and I are tactfully helping out with this.

One answer is to use online resources, just like our own forum here, to link with others in similar emotional places. I've been surprised that I can't find much online and it would be good if people turned up here. We certainly are a relevant and useful resource in these circumstances.

Best wishes and keep safe,

Alex.

Hi Richard, Im so confused myself of your post, I think we misunderstand each other a bit, but that's ok. I just made this post to reach out to see if anyone is feeling a little "better" since the self distancing ordeal. (lack of money/jobs and health aside.) I was trying to say I see the positive in all this, and frankly think the news is adding to people feeling much worse and afraid. While it is a big big deal, I just wanted to say for some, its a welcoming break, and to those who are stressed about the isolation...to try and find the silver lining if possible. Instead of stuck at home, its Im safe at home. Instead of "I cant do this I cant do that" how about, thank goodness for the people that walk through my door everyday, or thank goodness Im healthy...and the skies have been so pretty, the silence (well the tiny bit less of noise being produced) Im sure has been nice for some....others i.e Dr. Phil show, they call it deafening. Those who are extremely depressed over this (not bc of lack of money jobs or ill health) but bc they cant social or run all over the place.....I think just need to breath...and then in turn...understand that THAT feeling is how some feel....when things are chaotic. I was posting to reach out to see if anyone else felt that way, just curious was all on that. I don't think Ive been negative lately, and I do see many persons doing good for one another. I still stand by people as a whole not so good, but soo many persons have been standing up doing so much sweet and helpful things for one another, bc time now allows it, bc situations make the superfical things less to be focused on, and ppl are reacting to real stuff, and doing a good job stepping up for one another. Superficial is on the back burner for the most part, and I say "about time." Despite all the scare right now, that "needand want" to help one another is a lovely thing to witness. Thats all this post was, just wanted to see if anyone related to this lately. Again I do think we misunderstand each others writings to a degree. Very glad you are in good health and hanging in there.

CandyApples wrote:Hi Richard, Im so confused myself of your post, I think we misunderstand each other a bit, but that's ok. I don't think Ive been negative lately, and I do see many persons doing good for one another.

I agree CandyApples, this thread was/is not negative. This is different from your initial posts where it was some dystopian survival of the fittest mentality. Your initial threads on the topic were negative.

My main point in this thread is that you are observing and experiencing that when a real crisis takes place people don't tear each other apart. It is not survival of the fittest. Friends, families, neighbors, communities come together and do good things for one another. Certainly we can point to some bad actors taking advantage, but those are the minority rather than the majority. I'm glad you are experiencing the positive and in turn finding it positive.

A second point is that it has little if anything to do with social distancing. When a crisis occurs, it is not survival of the fittest. You would see the same with people helping one another if it had been a typhoon, earthquake, or any other disaster. In this particular case social distancing is part of the solution, but it is not the cause of the positive reactions people have as they come together to help one another.

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:when a real crisis takes place people don't tear each other apart. It is not survival of the fittest. Friends, families, neighbors, communities come together and do good things for one another.

This. ↑↑

Stay well, both of you.

Cooler wrote:One answer is to use online resources, just like our own forum here, to link with others in similar emotional places. I've been surprised that I can't find much online and it would be good if people turned up here.

Where've you been, Alex? I've missed you.

CandyApples wrote:Turns out, most of whatever it was I was feeling, was--- I just missed my dad. I guess denying over and over and over and over him being gone just builds, and then I paint it onto my husband....so when I need a hug or a kind word and HE doesn't do that, I don't think its totally because I was needing it from "him " as my hubby alone...

Oh CandyApples, I can really feel this. I miss my dad, too. I look at family photos he took and know how much he loved me.

Husband and I are in the opposite space to you and yours, which is how I identified the irritation of being pursued by a partner seeking reassurance. He and I both have attachment trauma but we experience it differently. This may also be the case in your marriage.

I worry if I meet ppl in those hobbies, would I grow emotionally attached?

I don't think you would. Again like my husband, you rarely find connection. It's threatening to you, as you're well aware.

I find connection very easily but probably with a false front. I have friends up and down the east coast of Australia as well as friends here in Reading and the aforementioned bestie in Wiltshire.
Each of these friends brings out different characteristics in me. With a couple of them I speak Spanish.

A long-ago enemy spat at me: "You're not a writer, you're an actress."

I often remember that. Kudos, well-spotted! I was a latecomer to the internet and felt intimidated at the idea of exposing myself to people all over the world. At the time I worked (night shifts) on a daily newspaper, and the day came when I wanted to have my say on a big issue for the area.

The newspaper had published letters with my real name on before, but I was going against the trend of the debate and was fainthearted about it. When I got up mid-afternoon I told the husband my name was now Leah Southey. He didn't bat an eyelid. I created an email account for Leah and sent my Letter to the Editor.

Turned out I was the Editor that night. The page had been made up by a downtable sub and there was my letter in poll position with an appropriate picture from the files. But wait up, it had my suburb on it and I knew I hadn't declared that, in the interests of not having bricks thrown through our front windows. Eeek, someone at work had recognised my style.

As always the husband was up and wanting to talk when I got home. Among other things he'd had a landline phone call, someone asking for Leah Southey. I'd forgotten a phone number had to be declared but not for publication. He'd told the unknown caller I was out, named our suburb on request, and all was well; Leah had been launched. Heck, almost a decade ago I signed up here as Leah! She was definitely the Ugly Australian when she wrote the second post on this thread. viewtopic.php?p=673933

All his friends literally come over and just are glued to him like no hi, or anything like that. No acknowledgement really...
He wanted me to pal around w my sis in law but we saw how that turned out...

Yep, I can see why lockdown works for you. It works for me, too.

Apologies for getting the kiddo's gender wrong. How old is she?
Don't know why I got the impression you had a toddler son.

If you do not give right attention to the one you love, it is a kind of killing. ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

I get the point you're making here, but if your husband was once more demonstrative towards you something has gone wrong. At a wild guess, you cared a whole lot more for your dad (as I did and do) and that primary relationship was enough for you. IOW, you weren't making demands on your husband that he considers excessive, but without your anchor you're panicking.

I get it, from his pov. As an illustration of this, My Own has 'needed' me three times during the writing of this post, and he absolutely insists I spend time with him at 11:00 our time. That's now, so apologies for any mistooks; I can't do a read-through.

Candid wrote:

CandyApples wrote:Turns out, most of whatever it was I was feeling, was--- I just missed my dad. I guess denying over and over and over and over him being gone just builds, and then I paint it onto my husband....so when I need a hug or a kind word and HE doesn't do that, I don't think its totally because I was needing it from "him " as my hubby alone...

Oh CandyApples, I can really feel this. I miss my dad, too. I look at family photos he took and know how much he loved me.

Husband and I are in the opposite space to you and yours, which is how I identified the irritation of being pursued by a partner seeking reassurance. He and I both have attachment trauma but we experience it differently. This may also be the case in your marriage.

I worry if I meet ppl in those hobbies, would I grow emotionally attached?

I don't think you would. Again like my husband, you rarely find connection. It's threatening to you, as you're well aware.

I find connection very easily but probably with a false front. I have friends up and down the east coast of Australia as well as friends here in Reading and the aforementioned bestie in Wiltshire.
Each of these friends brings out different characteristics in me. With a couple of them I speak Spanish.

A long-ago enemy spat at me: "You're not a writer, you're an actress."

I often remember that. Kudos, well-spotted! I was a latecomer to the internet and felt intimidated at the idea of exposing myself to people all over the world. At the time I worked (night shifts) on a daily newspaper, and the day came when I wanted to have my say on a big issue for the area.

The newspaper had published letters with my real name on before, but I was going against the trend of the debate and was fainthearted about it. When I got up mid-afternoon I told the husband my name was now Leah Southey. He didn't bat an eyelid. I created an email account for Leah and sent my Letter to the Editor.

Turned out I was the Editor that night. The page had been made up by a downtable sub and there was my letter in poll position with an appropriate picture from the files. But wait up, it had my suburb on it and I knew I hadn't declared that, in the interests of not having bricks thrown through our front windows. Eeek, someone at work had recognised my style.

As always the husband was up and wanting to talk when I got home. Among other things he'd had a landline phone call, someone asking for Leah Southey. I'd forgotten a phone number had to be declared but not for publication. He'd told the unknown caller I was out, named our suburb on request, and all was well; Leah had been launched. Heck, almost a decade ago I signed up here as Leah! She was definitely the Ugly Australian when she wrote the second post on this thread. viewtopic.php?p=673933

All his friends literally come over and just are glued to him like no hi, or anything like that. No acknowledgement really...
He wanted me to pal around w my sis in law but we saw how that turned out...

Yep, I can see why lockdown works for you. It works for me, too.

Apologies for getting the kiddo's gender wrong. How old is she?
Don't know why I got the impression you had a toddler son.

If you do not give right attention to the one you love, it is a kind of killing. ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

I get the point you're making here, but if your husband was once more demonstrative towards you something has gone wrong. At a wild guess, you cared a whole lot more for your dad (as I did and do) and that primary relationship was enough for you. IOW, you weren't making demands on your husband that he considers excessive, but without your anchor you're panicking.

I get it, from his pov. As an illustration of this, My Own has 'needed' me three times during the writing of this post, and he absolutely insists I spend time with him at 11:00 our time. That's now, so apologies for any mistooks; I can't do a read-through.

!!! Good signature by J K Rowling!

I was never really social, so I can handle the distancing very well

Candid

I don't think you would. Again like my husband, you rarely find connection. It's threatening to you, as you're well aware.

I find connection very easily but probably with a false front. I have friends up and down the east coast of Australia as well as friends here in Reading and the aforementioned bestie in Wiltshire.
Each of these friends brings out different characteristics in me. With a couple of them I speak Spanish.

You are right. Isnt that the funny part though, I crave the very thing I find threatening. Connection. Why? all I can think of how much almost every single thing died, when my dad died too. I felt any form of connection, even the idea of reality..was one big horrible let down or lie. Maybe? I too have different characteristics, and I wonder which one is the real me, or which one does my husband love? My old friends and such, loved every angle of me, even parts that I now, wouldn't miss.

I get the point you're making here, but if your husband was once more demonstrative towards you something has gone wrong. At a wild guess, you cared a whole lot more for your dad (as I did and do) and that primary relationship was enough for you. IOW, you weren't making demands on your husband that he considers excessive, but without your anchor you're panicking.

Again, amazing...I feel you are right. Iam panicking without my anchor. My husband ...hmm..with our back and forth, there is apart of me that is like "this guy can leave" or "heck I might leave again"...where as my dad was my dad, it was thick and thin no matter what, so like my kid, I did care for my dad a bit more than my husband. I find it normal I guess. With my dad gone, panic indeed but my husband was my anchor too in many ways...I mean husband and dads can not forfill the same things, we love them differently. My husband cut the ropes to the anchor when he started to get big in the business world, became a little more materialistic, and way less him and I. That turned into Him then me. He admitted these points and basically didn't care he said. He had a business to run and had no time for anything else. Then...when I close myself off and am like. ok cool, then Im just gonna live my life then and not need you....then here he comes with the whole--"its you and I" bit and lots of hugs and kisses. I think he is just as afraid of brain vs emotion as I am.

I can not look at photos of my dad much. You mentioned your looking at yours the other day. The kiddo is 14 now and does have a photo of "pop" on her dresser. I think pop/dad--for us was like our Peter Pan, and we were the loss boys. It was adventure and fun, and we fought captin hook together (bad days) and ended with a laugh. My husband is more of.."Mr. Darling"..just hard to explain which is why in my other post, I decided maybe to lay off the subject for a bit.