pets in my apartment.....

**Posts:** 1163 · by **Not In My Life** » Fri Dec 30, 2011 1:33 am

…which then led to this email exchange:

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2011 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,
Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.
Regards, David.

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From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2011 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David
I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?
Helen

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From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2011 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,
Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.
Regards, David.

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From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2011 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?
Helen

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From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2011 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,
No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.
Regards, David.

------------------------------
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2011 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David
You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.
Helen

-------------------------
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2011 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,
They are very small ducks.
Regards, David.

-----------------------
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2011 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?
Helen

-------------------------
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2011 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,
The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .
Regards, David.

----------------------------
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2011 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.
Helen

"We need to quit idiot-proofing this world and promote common sense" :oops:

**Posts:** 9885 · by **Candid** » Fri Dec 30, 2011 3:09 am

Haha. Shortly after that I was defending my right not to own a TV.

On Thu, Jun 2, 2011 at 8:12 AM, TV Licensing wrote:

This email is to confirm that we have received your declaration that you don’t require a TV Licence for the property at this address:

8 Wesley Court
Wootton Bassett
Wilts
SN4 8JZ

Within 10 working days we will send a letter to the above address containing information on the next steps.

Please remember that if your circumstances change, and you do start to watch programmes as they are being shown on TV, you must buy a TV Licence. You can do this by going to http://www.tvlicensing.co.uk/buyorrenew

Thank you,
TV Licensing

Re: Your 'TV Licence not required' declaration
Reply |Leah Southey to enquiries Jun 4

What the hell do you mean by next steps? Is this country really so retarded that no one can live without TV here?

FYI I am an Australian citizen and here for a limited time. I'm living in one of the miniature slum flats you Poms consider acceptable, with piss-poor plumbing, yer nasty water scaling up my kettle, nowhere to put a decent-sized fridge or washing machine, and some primitive plug-in key thingo that needs charging up to provide electricity. Watching it drop a GBP a day has put the wind up me, I can tell you. I'm scared to put a light on, much less a TV.

We don't have TV licences in Oz, didja know that? We don't have timed local calls, either. Rip-off Britain, ya can shove it where the sun don't shine.

And that's another thing. Blimey... it hits 18C and people are walking around with all their mottled flesh exposed saying isn't it a lovely day. You're kidding me. I'm waiting for winter to blow over but from what I'm hearing it never does. How do you stand it?

Ah. Ya watch the telly, dontcha.

Well, why don't you give my letting agents a call? That's Alan Hawkins Estate Agents, 01793 XXXXX. They'll tell you I'm on a three-month lease, and they're happy to hand out my keys for various tradespeople to come in here, scratch their heads and go away without actually doing anything any time that's convenient to them... No need to let me know. I'm sure they can tell you there's no TV here, just my swag on the floor and my cork hat hanging on a doorknob.

Or pop in yourselves. Honestly, any time. I don't get much sleep as it is. Only thing is, I go to work, see?

I know it would spoil your fun to tell me when you're coming. Want to do some kind of a raid, don't you? Leap in all serious and catch some poor homesick Aussie sneaking a peek at one of your gripping British soaps?

Well, what can I tell you. I might be here and I might not. There's no curtains on my windows so you can help yourselves to a gander at all my stuff. If I'm here you can come in and I promise you'll be begging me to let you out after five minutes.

Then again, I might be out visiting. Just to let you know something else about me, if I visit someone and they're sitting zombie-like in front of an idiot box, they have just 90 seconds to notice I'm there and turn it off. If they don't, I say catcha later and go my way whistling.

I think I've made my point and you won't be getting a reply to your "letter containing information on the next steps". I got your original one, got on the /noTV site and played your silly game through four or five pages. Enough is enough, mate. Life's too short.

Sincerely,
Leah Southey

**Posts:** 1163 · by **Not In My Life** » Fri Dec 30, 2011 2:39 pm

"If it’s free, it’s advice, if you pay for it, it’s counseling; if you can use either one, it’s a miracle. " Jack Adams

pets in my apartment.....

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