Some thoughts about my moment situation.

Hey there,

I just had some realizations about myself That made me deeply sad. I had problems connecting to people all my life. Sometimes more, sometimes less. I'm Now at some weird self doubt point I really don't want to be. I lost my self worth and through that the respect and interest of others as well as a girl I love.

I can't belive I'm at such a point feeling so weak and can't keep up a steady positive attitude. Bad things aside I'm intelligent, loving, caring, compassionate, have a great humor also the humor thing got lost for a while and have a great personality when I open up. It's really interesting to be at this point as well.. I mean I think it started to get to this point because I didn't want to outshine others. Or I thought when I noticed my greatness that it's not good to be that way and rather be humble and stay small. Or I didn't want to take someone the girl away. Wtf it's self doubt disguised as wanting to help others or being 'good'. It's a self sabotaging mindset and destined to fail and achieving annihilation of dignity and worthyness. After that it just snowballed.

I feel like all other people are on a different wave length.

And to view my situation from a point of that it's just temporary : holy sh** is it f***ing scary down here guys. This is not a place I would wish my worst enemy. This path leads to loss of openeness, vulnerability, humor, assertiveness, happy Ness, relaxed mindset, your not standing up for urself and most important of all: it leads to a loss Of friends because a guy without selfworth is seen as worthless. It's like a self fulfilling prophecy. You can have worth or not. The power of us lies in not getting comfortable at this place. Not settling at this place as a destination. But rather as a short stop to learn stuff bout life and that it can be really painful to. Not have many or any meaningful and really deep connections to other humans.

This path got me the worst feeling and self talk, war in my head you name it - I had in my whole life. It's really scary how much power thoughts have and at the same time it is importing to learn that. Choosing the words you use in your head wisely and carefully is so important I can't emphasis enough on it. Every little filling word or extra word in a sentence will bring a slightly different meaning and effect. It's simply magic taking place and unfolding right in front of us. Doubting myself was the worst decision of my life. But I made it. Conciously or not. With good intentions or not. I MADE THE DECISION.

And the best thing : we are made to shine. We are made to be happy, relaxed, secure. It can snowball into greatness if we let it.

I think I won't be on the level of self esteem And selfworth I know intuitively iam capable of in the next month. But I know I will get there at some stage of my life.

If you made it so far. Thank you for reading. This was the first time I actually wrote down what's on my Mind on a bigger scheme in this life than I would usually do.