Hetero aggressive thoughts

**Posts:** 1 · by **MoJ36** » Tue Aug 03, 2021 11:36 pm

Hi
I was not sure where to put this post, because I have many conditions such as Asperger syndrome, depression and severe social anxiety. I'll try to be concise and accurate, but English is not my first language so, if you have any questions, feel free to ask them.

So, here's my actual situation. I'm 22 years old and I'm currently in a major depressive episode. I have been hospitalized two times this year for a total of four months due to suicidal thoughts and behaviours. It's not my first episode. Because of my condition, I was hospitalized approximately ten times with durations ranging from two weeks to four months, I went one year to a juvenile rehabilitation center and I spent another year in a rehabilitation house specialized in mental health. All of that in six years. You can understand that I'm tired of this.

Recently, I started to have very violent thoughts. Thoughts of killing someone. Even so that I'm nothing of a criminal and I have no anti-social personality traits. I know how and where I would do it and I have all the necessary equipment. Why? I don't really know, but I have a few ideas. First of all, it would give me a real good reason to commit suicide. In fact, I have had chronic suicidal thoughts for years and I made some attempts. Now, I want to die, but I'm tetanized to hurt myself and I don't dare to do it again. Secondly, if I don't have the strength to kill myself, I'll have a predictable future: I'll pass almost the rest of my life in prison. I'm not going to have to worry about my current or my future job. Furthermore, I'm not going to have to bother myself with the school. So much less anxiety.

In short, I don't know what to do. I can mention it to my treatment team, but I don't want to scare them. I'm also terrified about the consequences of talking about it.

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Wed Aug 04, 2021 4:31 pm

MoJ36 wrote:In short, I don't know what to do.

Focus on having a good day.

Certainly you can remember some good days in life. What were they like?

For example, yesterday I slept in late. The cold weather kept me in bed. I got up, took a hot shower, then walked to a nearby bakery. I had a hot meal, and watched all the people going about their day. In the afternoon I read a book. In the evening I responded to some messages and did a little work.

Is this type of day not possible for you? Why not?

What makes a day bad?

**Posts:** 1123 · by **davidbanner99@** » Wed Aug 04, 2021 7:35 pm

MoJ36 wrote:Hi
I was not sure where to put this post, because I have many conditions such as Asperger syndrome, depression and severe social anxiety. I'll try to be concise and accurate, but English is not my first language so, if you have any questions, feel free to ask them.

So, here's my actual situation. I'm 22 years old and I'm currently in a major depressive episode. I have been hospitalized two times this year for a total of four months due to suicidal thoughts and behaviours. It's not my first episode. Because of my condition, I was hospitalized approximately ten times with durations ranging from two weeks to four months, I went one year to a juvenile rehabilitation center and I spent another year in a rehabilitation house specialized in mental health. All of that in six years. You can understand that I'm tired of this.

Recently, I started to have very violent thoughts. Thoughts of killing someone. Even so that I'm nothing of a criminal and I have no anti-social personality traits. I know how and where I would do it and I have all the necessary equipment. Why? I don't really know, but I have a few ideas. First of all, it would give me a real good reason to commit suicide. In fact, I have had chronic suicidal thoughts for years and I made some attempts. Now, I want to die, but I'm tetanized to hurt myself and I don't dare to do it again. Secondly, if I don't have the strength to kill myself, I'll have a predictable future: I'll pass almost the rest of my life in prison. I'm not going to have to worry about my current or my future job. Furthermore, I'm not going to have to bother myself with the school. So much less anxiety.

In short, I don't know what to do. I can mention it to my treatment team, but I don't want to scare them. I'm also terrified about the consequences of talking about it.

John Lennon once had violent fantasies and thoughts that worried him. With psychological pathology this can happen. It's obvious you are suffering a pretty bad period of meltdown and, in such cases, negative emotions tend to overwhelm.
Suicide is not the answer - it just seems like that to you.
It helps to redirect all your mental energy onto something you have an interest in so your thoughts don't overwhelm you. I find maths helps me cut off overloads of worry and depression. Even painting or a guitar might work.
It would help to find a really good psychologist who can help find what triggered your depressive episodes. Ultimately, it helps if you have a determination to "manage" the meltdown and take positive steps forwards. Hope that helps.

**Posts:** 105 · by **bawdyheated** » Thu Aug 05, 2021 6:01 am

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
MoJ36 wrote:In short, I don't know what to do.

Focus on having a good day.

Certainly you can remember some good days in life. What were they like?

For example, yesterday I slept in late. The cold weather kept me in bed. I got up, took a hot shower, then walked to a nearby bakery. I had a hot meal, and watched all the people going about their day. In the afternoon I read a book. In the evening I responded to some messages and did a little work.

Is this type of day not possible for you? Why not?

What makes a day bad?

This. I love this comment the most I can really relate to this.

Hetero aggressive thoughts

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