childhood experimentation guilt is making me to kill myself

**Posts:** 50 · by **Dale_znovic** » Fri Feb 05, 2021 6:14 am

Hey everyone. I am going to talk about something that really haunts me everyday. I feel like a piece of sh**

So there are about two incidents happened .

This all happen to me when i was 12 or 13 or maybe 14 I don't remember.

So there was this small neighbor girl who I used to play with . I know her since her birth . she was around 7 year younger than me. I love her like my own sister. we use to play a lot . one day she came to my house and sat on me. she wasn't wearing any kind of undergarment and she was wearing a frock. when she sat on my lap, i started to feel her bare buttocks and it somewhat felt new to me. I never had that feeling before. I never said anything that time. I don't know why. I was only started masturbating about a month or two before this incident happened. what i did was i started to touch her private parts which i still regret. I really liked it and after she gone I started to masturbate thinking about it.

this happened the next day after the incident. she really didn't aware of what I did and I really didn't know what I was doing is a very bad thing. All i knew was that I liked the feeling. so the next day what i did was when she was sleeping in my house, i touched her private parts. i wanted to know how will it look like.( I am pretty sure no penetration was involved)

i wasn't even sure about what sex is then all i knew was babies are born when two person hugged each other closely. only after i reached 15 i really understood what sex is and how babies are formed. i started to watch porn when i was around 11 i guess. I really didn't know that and she didn't even know I did this to her. i never hurt her and till date i see her and she is really happy.

i am 18 now and never really got this thought before and one day around a month ago it suddenly came and it feels like it never go. it makes me feel like i am some kind of monster and i don't deserve to live. i am in no way attracted to children but this memory haunts me everyday.

i did read some other threads in this same forum and i some how feel like my case is different from other. i really feel like killing myself. i would really appreciate if anyone could give their opinion in this case . thankyou.

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Fri Feb 05, 2021 6:47 am

So the parents of a 5 year old girl (1) let her play with a neighbor boy while not wearing underwear and (2) sleep over at your house with no underwear, and (3) that your parents also had no issues with this.

**Posts:** 50 · by **Dale_znovic** » Fri Feb 05, 2021 7:37 am

no as i said she is my cousin

**Posts:** 50 · by **Dale_znovic** » Fri Feb 05, 2021 7:39 am

richard, i saw your answers on many threads and can you please tell is my case similar or something different from others. i would really appreciate if you could say that .I really cannot afford a theraphy and i want to know if that is just curiosity or am i a child molester
thankyou

**Posts:** 9885 · by **Candid** » Fri Feb 05, 2021 11:18 am

People-who-think-they-molested-someone-as-a-child are all the same, and everyone except Richard has given up replying because people-who-think-they-molested-someone-as-a-child have an infinite capacity for yes-butting.
IOW, they want to be considered special and different when all they do is behave in predictable attention-seeking ways.

**Posts:** 50 · by **Dale_znovic** » Fri Feb 05, 2021 12:49 pm

thankyou somuch candid. your reply really means a lot . i don't want to anyone disturb anymore . I am going to pretend that it happened when i was a child and since there is no harm or corercion happened i am going to assume that was just curious me and just continue to live the life that i should. Thankyou somuch again. i would really appreciate if you had any further thought on this.

**Posts:** 9885 · by **Candid** » Sun Feb 07, 2021 6:01 am

Only that sexuality is normal and healthy. I can remember odd, pleasurable feelings from childhood, and because I'm female they were inner feelings. It's different for boys. A male toddler tends to grab his penis when excited. I mean, it's right there, isn't it? Can't be ignored.

I don't see why you can't mention these incidents to your cousin in the context of sexual play. If she was six to eight she would remember, may feel a bit embarrassed, and it would be a relief to both of you if you could have a laugh about it. From your account she initiated it.

I do believe your parents were remiss allowing you access to porn when you were 11, but parenting isn't the same now as it was when I was growing up. You and your cousin were doing what came naturally, that's all.

**Posts:** 50 · by **Dale_znovic** » Sun Feb 07, 2021 8:05 am

Hey candid,

Really thankyou somuch. It really helped me somuch . your reply means a lot to me. i know i did that but i never really thought of it as any form of crime then but this feeling came now and it is occupiying me for 2 months.

i won't think bringing this to her would be a good option as she litereally have no idea i did this to her. The only part that makes me feel different from others is the fact that i touched her private parts and later masturbated. i really had no idea that what i am doing was wrong then.

candid by any chance if you ever see this post again or if any one sees this post, i would highly appreciate if you could tell me weather is this is similar to others. i know i promise i won't yes but anymore. i think it would be really nice to hear from some one who is a stranger and who will give a unbiased thought

I would highly appreciate if anyone if they ever had similar experience and has ever successfully got out from the guilt

I sicearly thankyou so much everyone of them who replied to this post

thankyou again

**Posts:** 50 · by **Dale_znovic** » Tue Feb 09, 2021 5:59 am

if anyone sees this post and have already had this kind of experiance i would really appreciate if you could tell me how you handle the guilt and shame or how did you get past the guilt

thankyou

**Posts:** 4 · by **anilkumarln** » Tue Jun 22, 2021 5:27 am

Hey... Am suffering from this guilt since almost 8 years now because of some stupid thing I did in childhood... I wanna talk to you

childhood experimentation guilt is making me to kill myself

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