by Leo Volont » Wed Jul 03, 2019 12:29 am
Hi Burt, Hi Quiet Voice,
Burt, do you know what Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is? Well, you wouldn't need the Behavioral Part, from what you have told us, because it does not seem you have much of an Anger problem (yelling, cussing, putting your fist through the walls, and generally making all of your loved one's and coworkers fear you... even when you seem okay because they never know when you are going to "blow"). But, you do have a 'Cognitive' Issue. That means that your Mental Evaluations aren't exactly lining up with Reality, or that what your Mind is telling you to do would be counterproductive if you actually did it. So, let's start by looking at Reality. Samantha is your sister. She is your daughters aunt. She is your wife's sister-in-law. She is Family. Yes, you did present quite a horror story. but how much of this horror story was a product of your evaluations of everything? Were these evaluations verifiable and correct? In Cognitive Therapy we learn that as our Mind is engaged in Self Talk, or Internal Dialogue, the tendency is to Agree with that Voice in our Head as though it is Our Accepted Conclusion. But really, our Real Self is the Listener... it is NOT the Voice. Burt, you are allowed to, and even supposed to Dispute and Refute those thoughts in your head when you can determine that They Aren't Really Helpful. We need to learn to come up with Counter Arguments to that Stream of Troublemaking Thoughts. Personal Self Awareness means being able to Challenge Yourself.
Okay, let's think back to your problems with your daughter when she was back in College. When would she blow? (oh, SHE has an Anger Problem! She can have a problem with Mom and Dad, but nobody needs the hysterics and the drama. She could have handled it all by just telling you her issue and then just being 'cold'). I would suspect that she felt she was not able to communicate with you. This is how that works: she would say something and she would definitely know what she means... maybe even having thought about it for a long time, so she could get it right. But then you would seem to miss the entire point and see an entirely different meaning in what she is saying. You would tell her what you THINK she means, instead of just processing what she said. What this means is that YOUR Internal Dialogue (that Voice in your Head) had squeezed in and taken over the conversation. She would feel helpless in this situation because it would seem to her that it is impossible to communicate with you, because your Head is filtering and twisting everything. It would be very Frustrating for her, and, by the way, this is what would Trigger her Anger (two things typically Trigger Anger: Insult, and Frustration). Burt, I am thinking all of this because you really have not been able to explain to us, or to yourself WHAT your daughter was so upset about. My guess is that there were a great many clues, but that your MIND was in its RUT... it is probably the case that your Self Talk, your Internal Dialogue, your Stream of Consciousness is very narrow and confining. My guess is that you are missing a great deal of the Social Content that is going on around you, but that your THOUGHTS are just sort of seeing the Same Old Stuff, whether it is really there or not. For example, think about the scenario of there being somebody at WORK who is Defensive and Really Touchy and you say "Wow, What a Great Day!" and the guy says "What do you mean by that? Are you trying to be sarcastic?" You see how YOUR Communication was taken totally the wrong way by this other person, and it is probably because his Self Talk is kind of Paranoid and Distorted.
Oh, about the Wedding. Well, I think your daughter probably came to the Realization that YOU will probably NEVER understand her and she has come to terms with that. She is probably not mad at you. But it is likely that she also does not expect anything from you. Nothing you do can surprise her anymore. And THAT is the best possible scenario you could expect at the moment. Anything less and you might be triggering her Anger again. Yeah, you could buy a few books and work with Self Help Cognitive Behavioral therapy (if you are interested I can come up with a few Titles), but it takes months of some fairly consistent Work on oneself before anybody notices anything different. So, yeah, the best thing is to stay on your tippytoes, and if she does talk to you, please, listen to what she says, and then DON'T TELL HER WHAT SHE REALLY MEANS. First Rule of Cognitive Therapy: unless you have some better reason for thinking what you are thinking, then you are probably wrong. Yes, some people are better tuned in to Realistic Thinking, but since YOU are having problem, then the Safe Place to start with Cognitive Therapy is that you really need to be skeptical about anything your Self Talk is trying to tell you. Remember, YOU are the Listener, Not the Voice (and for right now, the Voice is full of BS). but, yeah,with your daughter, Smile and Listen. "Yes, Honey" is always a great answer.
Now, about your sister Samantha. Using Cognitive Refutation of a Negative Train of Thoughts, well, Samantha cares very much for family. She stirred up the problem up with your daughter, but so did you, right? But Samantha, as the child's aunt, was obliged to try. If it worked, it worked, and if it didn't it didn't. It is Family. It is not like you can do anything about it, right? Aunts have their Rights. Her relationship with your daughter is important too. Daughters can tell their Aunts stuff that they could NEVER tell their Mothers. Also, your daughter is an adult and really isn't your property any more, is she? Oh, is calling your sister a Hippy really the most accurate and complete portrait you can draw of her? Are you seeing your sister clearly, or are you seeing her through a HAZE of Negative Self Talk and a Filter of Bad Memories, many of which were Bad because of your own contributions to the situations (it was never entirely HER fault, was it?). Even if I disagree with her about EVERYTHING, in the end, what harm can she really do? If she was effective at doing stuff and accomplishing goals, then she wouldn't be much of a "hippy" would she? So she makes a lot of noise and a big splash but basically she is Harmless. THERE! You see, Burt,that is how Cognitive Therapy works. Look at the Bright Side.
Oh, Burt, maybe if you had gone into more detail, more of your own symptoms of Anger might have come up, but your cussing and throwing things didn't seem so important in the overall context. But let me know if you do need help with Anger and I can give you some tips on it. Good Luck at the Wedding.