Venting and need help.am I going crazy ?

Me and my husband have been having problems for years now we married young and have two kids. when we were first married I saw myself as a generally happy person, genuine and kind. I wasn't a drinker, never did drugs and tried to always find a positive outcome on things. Then I begin to find out my husband was a cheater a big time cheater. He made a lot of mistakes but I Always managed to forgive him and move along. There came a time in our marriage we're things we're good for a good two years. I thought all the cheating and lies were behind us and came to the conclusion that maybe the reason any of that happened was simply because we were young and maybe he had finally matured.After our son was born I found out he was back to cheating again.&& this time it was more serious , it wasn't just texting or talking flirting he was sleeping with her.it really broke me and I did something I never thought I would do I cheated back. I also found out he was heavily doing coke and a lot of our friends were either involved or dealing. I felt like all this time at parties or friends I thought I could trust these ppl and it turned out I was the only one that truly didn't know what was going on. I also had given my trust 100% to my husband and thought I had nothing to worry about anymore. I truly felt we were happy. We got back together and I'm trying to piece things together again but I still feel he's being shady. He'll change his Facebook password then change it back without any explanation. He deletes messages I know we're there. He messaged someone related to his mistress and it was at the top of his messenger but he deleted the most recent messages. I feel so betrayed and patronized . He says I'm crazy and paranoid but I feel it in my gut. Then I saw his mistress at my work and she was pregnant she was with another guy but I couldn't help but think that that baby could be his. He says he was only with her twice back in July but he barely blovked her number in January and ifeel he's being untruthful. I think there relationship went on for a lot longer. My husbands also very sexual and I find it hard to believe he was with her only was because even though I hate to admit this she isnt ugly:'( my self esteem is at 0 and I feel so hurt and depressed all the time.i also just recently had an abortion because I didnt think I could handle another child especially if I don't feel security or love from my husband. I express my feelings to him and he gets upset calls me crazy or just flat out ignores me. I also feel very abandoned by him . He started working out of town and I hate not knowing where he's at or what he's doing. I told him I thought he should stay here because we need wrk on our trust but he said there was no money here and he had to go. I feel like I'm raising our kids all alone. & with all these constant thoughts I have I can't even focus on my kids.i used to be the best mom and now I feel like I can't even care for myself.The last time we separated last year I left him and he stopped going to work didn't pay the rent spent all his money on partying drugs and his mistress and we lost everything. He even got the car repossessed. Since then I've been living with my parents. He comes and stays on the weekend and it feels like he's just here for the sex and a place to stay. He says I'm wrong but anytime I try to bring up the way I truly feel inside he doesn't respond at all. He just playfully says that's not true and starts to kiss me and undress me. I want to stop him but I feel like it's the only sign of love or affection from him I get so I don't :'( when he leaves I feel broken and alone. Yesterday I checked my account and he left it extremely low he said we spent that money together but I know it's not possible we spent that much, I was so furious and called and texted him also about seeing that girl pregnant and he just ignored me . Today we were arguing over text and I felt overwhelming stressed and upset and heartbroken. My 2 year old son was spilling skittles all over the floor and throwing them and locked my other son out of the room there was so much chaos and crying and I got up and slapped my son on the arm screaming at him to pick up the mess!!! I felt so bad after but my anger didn't go away I feel like such a bad parent sometimes. & I've even thought of telling my husband to come get the kids and just leaving for a week or two I feel like I can't handle it all but I know that I have too. && sometime I think about committing suicide I told my husband once and he told me to go ahead that he knew I wouldn't :'( they've even seen a difference in me at work and are thinking of revoking my leadership position, this is something I was so proud of and now it seems like everything's slipping away. I know he's out partying and having fun responsibilitie free while I'm here at my parents like always. Also I don't know how to drive and he knows that and I think he likes to keep it that way. That's why he's never taught me:( I've depended on him a lot and he's abandoned me and the kids a lot. I remember when we lived in our apartment he'd get dressed to go out and then book it and run and speed away and I'd chase him outside asking him not to leave. He'd take my phone and once my son ran out of formula and I didn't even have a phone to call anyone. I don't feel like I'm the person I used to be I'm cold hearted and mean I think the worst in everything and I'm scared of being hurt all over. When things get hard I breakdown and sometime mistreat my kids . Idk what todo anymore:'(