yammy wrote:I allow the small things to get to me. I then allow them to manifest into something they are not by not talking about it there & then with my partner. Instead I go quite & do not talk to anyone all day, not even the children. Whilst this is happening I make the whole family feel uncomfortable & afraid to do anything, even the children won’t talk as they know I’m in one of my moods. This will go on all day as I’m too stubborn to talk to my other half about what’s got under my skin. When I do talk it turns into an argument because of the anger that I have allowed to build up inside me. The small issue has grown into a large problem because of my silence even though nothing else has been said or done by my partner. When arguing with my partner I say the foulest of things to hurt her emotionally & say sarcastic comments in reply to rational comments that are being made by her because of my anger. The other night we were arguing & she was laying with a fag & I said “make sure you don’t fall asleep with that in your hand, set fire to the bed & kill yourself”. At the time I don’t even think of these atrocious things to say they just pop into my head & I say them no matter how hurtful they are. I have text woman behind my partners back. I have flirted with them & talked about personal stuff that relates to my partner. This has caused allot of pain & heartache for my partner as I lied about what I was doing & the contents of what was said. My partner try’s to walk away into another room for space & a 5 minuet breather but I just follow her to continue the fighting. When things have calmed down & we talk like adults should I don’t even remember half the bad stuff that I have said & don’t see the pain I have caused unto it’s too late.
You remind me a great deal of how my own marriage and a few of my relationships had gone, and, yes, some of it, or even a lot of it may be because you have an issue with controlling your angry behaviors. But I think it goes much farther than that. I think that there is a problem in the Way that the Modern World expects us to live together as families nowadays. Everybody is supposed to be one happy family and be packed tightly together. Well, the Kids get a break because they get their own rooms. But what about Husband and Wife? They are supposed to be happy with just one Bedroom between them, and they are supposed to eat all of their meals together, and then entertain themselves in their spare time in the same sitting room or parlor. Why it’s no wonder that Husbands and Wives drive each other crazy. Until not much less than a hundred years ago, nobody ‘decent’ was expected to live like that. Only poor working class people, or country people in small cabins were expected to live cooped up together, and then it was looked upon as sad and unfortunate by those who were better off enough to live properly. Now we all behave as though we are those Poor People from the past – even though we can afford better, we live packed together as though we are still in that one room farm house or tenement room. In every Civilized Situation on Earth, the Husbands and the Wives each have their own rooms, or the even the entire house is physically divided into separate sections. Men have their own chamber and a Library. The Women have their boudoir, their parlor and their kitchen. For an hour they dine together, but certainly they can behave themselves for an hour. Oh, they must dress for dinner and behave with Table Manners. That means that nobody does anything that could provoke anger. That is what Polite living is all about, isn’t it? And then afterwards the women go to their parlors or sitting rooms and men go to their libraries. When do they even have a chance to get angry with each other? Well, yes, they entertain socially together – have their own dinner parties and go out together to dinner and theater. But, again, here they are on their Best Behavior.
But in the Modern World and with the Modern Way, well, nobody can ALWAYS be on their best behavior. People need to relax, but relaxing with one’s loved ones and family is simply a huge mistake. There is too much casual familiarity, too much unguarded speech. You know what they say -- “familiarity breeds contempt”. Is it any wonder that there is so much more divorce in the Modern World than in any Civilized Time in the past?
We are all simply living in the wrong Way. And I can’t expect it to stop. Why? Well, because TV and the Movies are presenting this hugely dysfunctional Life Style as the Ideal Life Style. It’s and all enveloping Cultural Propaganda that simply has no actual contemplated and planned purpose. It’s a Lifestyle that is a product of lazy screenwriters who can’t imagine love stories where the lovers take a great deal of their time apart from each other, and of cheap TV and Movie Producers who can’t afford more than one Set in which their Love Story is supposed to play out.
And think about it this way. At what stage in their relationship are Couples the happiest together? Well, typically they are happiest at the beginning when they AREN’T together all the time. We can generalize from that that a happy couple is one where the two people are separated for most of the time so that when they do see each other, they are on their best behavior – such as when they used to ‘date’. We could do that as Married Couples, but only if each agreed to stay out of the other’s way for the majority of the time. Men would stay in their Work Shops or Libraries (I have my Music Studio which I camp out in), and women in their parlors and sitting rooms. Even unnecessary talk could be avoided as the couples could communicate about unavoidable household details simply by putting notes in each other’s letters and mail… or email or text as the young people prefer to do.
But what man could propose marriage to a woman, these days, while stipulating such conditions for marriage? Brain-washed by the Media View of Marriage, most women would consider such a marriage to be an affront to their notions of total and unconditional romantic love, which maintains that a happy couple SHOULD be able to live constantly together and always be on their best behavior. But it’s really just the Impossible Dream. Our Society needs to wake up and find a Way for things that has some chance of actually working.
Anyway, no man should have to live like that – their every spare moment from work being corralled up women and children. No wonder there is so much anger, and frustration and depression. No, you have a larger problem than just anger. You are dealing with an Impossible Situation. You should consider leaving it.
Think about whether not just you yourself would be happier off in your own apartments, but whether your wife and children would not also be happier too. I am not talking about a Divorce, well, not unless your wife feels insulted and demands such an extreme resolution for your common problem. I am only suggesting that your Family live the way that Civilized Families have always lived, up until recently, and that is in separate quarters, and only getting together during relatively brief ritualized occasions, such as Tea and Dinner, when everybody can be expected to be on their best behavior. Now who wouldn’t LOVE that? You would no longer have an anger problem because there would no longer be anything to be angry about.
