Bf with horrible anger pls help!

So you are in here to focus on his issues, specifically his anger. What about your issues? Would it not be better to learn about anger by looking at you and why you choose to be in a relationship where the man lies, becomes angry and threatens to leave you?

The text book response is to respond by informing the forum how other than the lying, anger and threats to leave you, he is prince charming and how you are the luckiest woman on the earth to have found your soul mate. So, let me go ahead and concede, that this man is just wonderful outside of his anger issues. The question still stands, why do you want to be in a relationship with a person that is angry, dishonest and threatens you with leaving?

Because of course he is as mentioned, charming, sweet loving. We've been through a lot together, and at this time we both want our relationship to work so badly. I did break up with him back in Nov 2014, he came back a few months ago promising me that he's grown up now and changed. Of course I still see the signs.. Now why would I want to work on a relationship with a man that has the traits that are not only self destructive on his own, not being able to have a job, pay rent, 38 living at home with his parents, very few friends, ect... But I have my own issues too, I get help for them and try my best, I suffer from PTSD, anxiety, major abandonment issues. Like I said I work on my issues as much as I can ... Does this mean a man shouldn't give me a chance to grow, be stronger and overcome my issues? If a man is suffering from anger issues, and it is destroying their relationships and other areas in their lives I don't want to dismiss them all together. I know he needs to help himself first, but why I'm here is to learn about anger issues, how far it can take a person, maybe advice from people who are currently suffering and help me understand better. Someone with issues I don't believe have to be alone because of them.

Cece431 wrote: Someone with issues I don't believe have to be alone because of them.

Are you saying this because you don't want to be alone?

Do you put up with his 'issues' because you're afraid a healthier person wouldn't put up with your 'issues'? Are both of you wanting this to work because each of you fears facing up to your own self?

What if everything that you experience is just thought? Well, it is. Your thought creates your feeling, every moment of your life. Ponder that one for a bit.

Cece431 wrote: Someone with issues I don't believe have to be alone because of them.

Sometimes they do have to be alone. You think a serial killer does not have to be alone just because they have issues?

That is the entire concept of getting out of an abusive, hostile, codependent relationship. An abusive, angry person is exactly the type of person that needs to be alone. Not everyone is meant to be in a relationship at a given point in time. It is the entire reason some people are removed from society all together. I know the serial killer is an extreme example, but they cycle of domestic violence goes down the same path as do relationships where no physical violence is taking place, but instead it is lying, anger and threats, i.e. how you describe your boyfriend.

When you say to learn about anger to support him, what you really mean is you hope to help change him. You want to play the role of nurse and help your man to be a kinder, gentler man. Of course in the process of trying this, you are allowing yourself to be the victim of abuse and not dealing with your own issue of fear of abandonment.

Cece431 wrote:Hi guys,

So I joined this forum today to learn more about anger. My bf I've been dating seems to have anger issues like I've never seen. I really want to learn more so I can help him, and deal with it better. For those who suffer from anger issues, do you have any suggestions when he blows up on me? For example, I've noticed if he's actually wrong, he gets more angry at me, if he feels like he embarrassed himself, he gets angry at me. If I catch him in a lie, he twist and gets angry at me. What I don't know how to deal with is when he does blow, he holds on to his anger for so long. He will leave me, say he does not love me at all and a week later come back saying I'm the love of his life. Can anger actually detach himself from his own feelings of love?? Or does he really not love me?

Hi Cece,


Oh My, but you are in, well, a serious bind, as I see it.

It seems that your Boy Friend… probably young and immature (and that can be any age before 43) is caught up in the Drama of Protecting his Ego Persona – he THINKS he has a certain Self Image that he has to Protect, and while he does not so much mind falling short of his Ideal, he hates to do it in front of other people, and so he Makes a Big Deal about everything, but just in front of other people. In fact, you can just come out and ask him if he makes the same fuss all by himself, when he screws up, as he does when there are witnesses and Loved Ones and such.

In the Anger Management World, we would call your boyfriend a Drama Queen. He is making a Show of Denial. He wants to be Perfect, but he isn’t and whenever anybody notices, he goes on Stage and makes a big Tragedy about it.

Now, my First Instinct is to tell you to dump the guy – damaged goods and you can find better. But! If you want to give it a try, have a heart to heart conversation with your boyfriend and tell him that Nobody Cares whether he is Perfect or not. It is a personal thing and nobody else has to know about it when he screws up… how horrible he feels about it. Nobody likes screwing up. But it happens and the Wise and Mature people just accept it. Sometimes I think the Best Word in the English Language is “ooops”. “oh you dropped my family’s favorite china cup”. “Ooops , sorry”. “Oh, you forgot to pay the rent, and now they have sent us a first notice”. “Ooops, Sorry about that”. Now, yes, if the ‘Ooops’ get a bit too thick and many, then that might be a problem in itself.

But, affectionately tell your boyfriend to relax and chill out.. that he is allowed to screw up just like everyone else, and that, if he has ever noticed, his acting out has never won him any applause.

A Real Active Man does SO MUCH – jumping into the Breach at a moment’s notice, making important decisions in a split second … The MORE YOU DO, the more likely it is to Make a Mistake. A Real Man gets used to that. There is no need for Drama. All of the Other Real Men, and Women, understand.

I'm actually not afraid or scared of being alone, I've always been very independent and while so many of the girls/women around me had to have a bf at all times, I was the opposite. I'm very social, I get along great with others, but I've always lived alone (until the times I've tried to live with my bf) and I was perfectly happy being single and standing on my own two feet. I read a book, he verbally abusive relationship. I realized that I was reading the story about our relationship. Like I said I broke up with him last Nov and only in the last month I've considered getting back together. I went a long time without him, maybe it's a bond in my subconscious that I cannot seem to break off, or that hope that of someone is suffering from lets call it "mental issues" where most people do these days, BPD, bipolar, anxiety, ocd, anger, abandonment, ect. Most people have something going on in their minds that are not showing proper behavior towards their partners. That's what I mean when I say, should I not try and work through it with him. I have gotten very angry in the past, and have had my blow up, but its not the same as his, and I try and put myself in his shoes and I can't understand. Yes, so many people think we can "fix" our partners and change them, and after years of effort they realize that trying to change them was a waste of time. So far he does seem to be trying he dies admit fully he has anger issues, but he's not totally on board yet and doesn't see the extreme of it. Do I want to be his nurse?? No absolutely not. What I want to do, is try to understand the anger he feels, what pushes him to these breaking points. Maybe I will have to throw in the towel, I'm not denying that. Even looking around on this forum I do see post from people that want to vent and they also want help, support, and guidance. I think we all need that, regardless if our issues. I've asked myself the same questions, I know where you're coming from Richard. So here's what I would like to ask you, if someone with anger comes to you, begging for help, or tips on how to control it because he's going to lose his job, house, family, girlfriend. What's the advice you would give him? I'm sorry but if you are causing this much damage, I can't help you? I'm hear to learn first. Because this type of anger is something I don't understand. Can anger take over you so much so that you can hate the person you love within one fight? Can it really take over that much?

Cece431 wrote:I really want to learn more so I can help him, and deal with it better.

Planning to be an anger management therapist, are we?

I have my own issues too, I get help for them and try my best, I suffer from PTSD, anxiety, major abandonment issues. Like I said I work on my issues as much as I can ... Does this mean a man shouldn't give me a chance to grow, be stronger and overcome my issues?

Two damaged people can't fix each other. They can only make each other worse. I'm with Richard and quietvoice on this one: your attraction to danger is what needs fixing. When you've found ways of managing your PTSD (and I suspect C-PTSD, http://www.pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html), you'll pick a better partner.

I too agree with much of what has already been said. Whether you realise it or not you are being the rescuer.. the helper. So, let's say you find out that your b/f is just an angry, immature man. He just gets like that when he's mad or frustrated.. no real reason, just is. What then? Do you stay as his whipping post and accept how he treats you because 'now you understand him better', or do you realise this relationship will probably always be like this and end it? HE should be finding out why he has the anger and treats you as he does, not you. If he loves you, why wouldn't he. Instead of rescuing him, you're actually enabling him.
best wishes

Thanks for all the feedback guys! Really appreciated. Only thing I would have to say is about the comment made about " trying to be a better anger management therapist are we?" Well that to me is ignorance. Learning and having knowledge on a subject is different than trying to put a bandaid on my relationship. I understand reading my post the first thing that would come to mind, that is for me, "well this girl is trying to fix her bfs anger and that's not possible, she shouldn't be in this relationship if he treats her like this" it's a completely valid assumption to make, and I would have to agree with the part, yes, if he does continue to act out like this, blame me, insult me, twist issues on me, then I should not move forward with him. It's unhealthy for me, and every time he does this brings down my own self esteem, and I start to doubt my own opinions and feelings, which is all classic verbally abusive and controlling signs. Now when it comes to my own issues, as someone mentioned, I cannot lie and say I'm in 100% control. BUT I'm 100% on the right path. I've been in therapy for years, over a traumatic event in my life. I hold down a steady job, I read, I research I'm on forums, I do group therapy. So lets say I wasn't speaking about my bf for a moment, and I came her and pretending to be him and explain the anger issues, would I receive different feedback? Would their be someone out there that could shed light, who's a recover? Can my bf actually recover and learn to be less angry if HE wants to? I don't have this anger issue, I'm trying to learn and keep an open mind on the subject, not only just to keep my relationship alive but since when is a bad idea to learn about people's issues? We live in a stressful world these days, I would say the majority of population are on medication for something (most I've read about is anxiety). The other people that are not on any type of medication drink regularly or smoke weed and deny their basic feelings and self medicate. People I know who drink every day or smoke weed always tell me the same thing. "It helps calm me down" so I came here to learn. Not some silly girl who doesn't know that this anger issue in the relationship is unhealthy, and should get out, but to learn overall about anger, rage, how it can effect the persons choices and life, how far can it go? What's the extreme?

I might have been wrong but I thought being on an anger management forum there would be someone to again, shed some light.

Thanks again everyone!
Cece

Cece431 wrote: I might have been wrong but I thought being on an anger management forum there would be someone to again, shed some light.

Not speaking for anyone else, but the reason thus far you have not received a lot of insight on how to help your boyfriend treat his anger is because people are trying to help you recognize that a nurse that is being abused and emotionally attached to the patient has a bigger issue to deal with than treatment of said patient. It is understood that you continue to say, "Thanks, but no thanks, I recognize my problem now give me my drug of choice anyway."

People in this forum see your pattern again and again in here. This is not good or bad, just a reality of life. For various reasons people get in an abusive relationship and then seek ways to cure the patient of their abusive ways. You are not the first to have found her soulmate, this wonderful man, except the one problem that he is angry and abusive and then found your way to this forum for advice on how to treat the patient.

Helping another person deal with their anger is for the non-abused that do not have a deep emotional connection, that can include professionals and many times family, friends, etc. Anyone that the abuser is not in the process of abusing foots the bill. The abused has other issues to deal with. They are being abused for a reason and are in no position to try to be the nurse.

That said, your best path to deal with your bf's anger issues (other than distancing yourself) is to reach out to his friends, family or see if you can suggest professional help. You don't need to learn about how to treat anger, instead you need learn how to reach out to others to intervene on your behalf and help your boyfriend. That is the other option for helping your Bf with horrible anger.

I understand Richard, when I say thanks for the feedback, I mean that because like I said, I would probably say the same thing!! I'm not blind to the fact that many women that might post on these forums want to be the nurse as you put it. Thing is, I'm not actually trying to help HIM with his anger issues. We are not officially back together, as I won't make any commitments until a few couples therapy sessions to see if it's possible. I was with him for years, in what I feel was a verbally abusive relationship. The thing is I don't understand his anger, but I want to. Say we get into a heated debate, that automatically leads to a fight because the communication gets lost. He then loses all control of what he says, let me just state that he's never put a hand on me, but then he will break up with me tell me calmly he does not love me and never will. Comes back anywhere from 1-4 weeks crying begging and saying I'm the love of his life. I always tell him, his love is like a light switch, when he's angry he no longer loves. When he's happy and feels loved he's amazing. So why I came here? I want to know about anger, when I said what extremes it can take a person. Do you know? Do you know if this example I just gave is anger issues or more than that? Because even at my worst, when I'm angry, that love never leaves my heart. I'm just pissed, but with him its gone, until however long it takes him to cool off. Now of course I'm not trying to say thanks but no thanks, I appreciate the comments left for me, because I believe they are genuine. The people posting them are objective and when reading about examples in my relationship its no wonder why they will be telling me, you cannot fix him, or be the nurse. If my attitude is coming off as "but no thanks" thats only because I do already know. Only he can want to fix his anger, sometimes he admits it and wants help, other times he denies it and says it's normal. Besides his own opinion. I'm very eager to learn about anger in general. Yes I can go to chapters right now and buy a book about anger management, or bring him to an anger management meeting. I came here, on this forum because I thought A) easier and cheaper B) why not hear the opinions of others who suffer from anger overall. I'm having a hard time grasping the fact that anger, or being anger at someone can stop their love in their tracks. It's not that I want to just understand HIM better, I want to understand it for myself. Is it too late for me to learn or inquire about this subject?

Cece431 wrote: The thing is I don't understand his anger, but I want to.

To me, it's quite simple. Feelings come from thinking. Say that one is in a low mood, and doesn't recognize the nature of thought. The nature of thought is that thoughts come and thoughts go. Thoughts are not "real" in and of themselves. However, when one buys into, or attaches or identifies themself with a particular thought-feeling, it seems real to that person, and therefore is acted upon. So, a person in a low mood, not recognizing that they can let a thought go, will act on those thoughts. We create our reality by the thoughts we think, moment by moment. Once we grasp this understanding, we find that we all have innate mental well-being

Thanks for that. Sounds like the subject in the book, the power of now. So if he gets angry, so angry, and the thought "I don't love her" comes to mind it can actually last if that person holds on to the thought? I guess I can see how if he's really upset he might think ... I cannot love someone that has done this or that.. But when I'm angry, I know I still love. When I broke up with him, it was extremely painful because I never stopped loving him, I just knew it was abusive and I couldn't be in that relationship. Even now, if I say his anger is too out of control, I will still love him, but know that there's no possible or healthy way to be a couple again. I have a fear of water lol, I hate swimming in open water because I can't place my feet on the ground. Lack of control I'm assuming. When I try and explain my fear, friends don't seem to get it, and I can explain until I'm blue in the face, they just can't grasp my fear. So for me, I feel the same on the topic of anger. Because I don't suffer from it like my bf, I'm having a hard time grasping that when he's angry, the love, intimacy and passion can be consumed and gone within a minute. Thanks for your insight on the subject. It makes sense if when he's angry he holds on to the thought of "this can't be love".

Cece431 wrote: I want to understand it for myself. Is it too late for me to learn or inquire about this subject?

How we frame a problem has a powerful influence on how we process information. It is most often subtle. Ever heard of the tower of hanoi problem? When discs are used it takes X amount of time. When instead images of acrobats are used it causes problems and takes people longer to solve the problem. It is unnatural for large acrobats to stand on the shoulders of small acrobats, right? But when it is a disc instead of an acrobat there is no bias of heavy vs light, etc. The difference in framing causes different results.

Your initial post frames the issue in the context of one specific individual, your BF, a person that you are connected to emotionally and based on what you said initially, you gave the impression you wanted to help yourself help him change.

Now, you are trying to adjust the frame. You are trying to say you just want to figure out more about anger as a curious observer, a person just interested in the topic and hey, why not let us use your boyfriend that you are no longer seeing as an example.



So, is it too late? As it relates to you trying to be objective about your BF yes. If you legitimately want to learn about anger in general, then there are a ton of websites that can give you lot of great, free information. The forum is more for providing advice on a specific issue or problem, not really an effective place to provide a full on course on anger management. Not saying it can't be done, I'm just saying a forum is not the right tool for the job. You want to learn anger management in general and why people in general act out in anger, there are a ton of great free resources.

Here is a good start for general info from a reputable organization. Now, as soon as you read that information and begin to wonder how it applies to your BF, your bias will come into play. You will not be objective as you will frame the problem based on your emotional relationship with your BF, not as an objective 3rd party.

http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx

Anyway, I do hope it helps give you a start in the right direction on understanding anger better in general.