My anger is out of my control

Hi there

Sorry to hear about your anger and how it's causing you so much distress.

Regularly practising relaxation techniques and breathing techniques (when you are not angry) is a very good way of managing your emotions when you do start to feel the anger coming on.

Try a couple of different techniques (there are loads online) and once you have found one or two that you feel comfortable with, even if you find it hard at first, stick with them. Practise them every day for about 10-15 minutes, only at a time when you are feeling relatively calm. You need to commit to doing it and it may take a few weeks to a month to start seeing results.

It will get easier and easier to quickly go into a relaxed state and the first benefit will be a general decrease in stress in your life in general, which will reduce how often you get angry.

The second will be that you will find it easier to stop the anger becoming severe because as soon as you feel it coming on you will be able to connect back to that relaxed state. The best way of doing this is seeing a hypnotherapist who can establish the best technique for you and then give you a powerful way to trigger feeling relaxed whenever you need it.

aliceshort wrote:Hello,
I am nineteen and I have realised that my anger is out of control and has become very distructive.

In recent months I have broken chairs, punched walls, headbutted walls, punched my wardrobe and broken it and punched my self repeatedly in the face. Alot of these things have been done as a result of being angry about situations my family have been in. My older sister was in a bad relationship, my twin left uni and had to move back home, i have a weird relationship with my mum.

I think there must be some underlying reason for it all but I find it very very hard to talk to people. I have never seriously lashed out at a person as I know to take my self away from people when i get angry but i fear that it could get to that point one day and I fear that.
I never really have time to think about what I am doing before it happens, I have tried going on walks and cycling but it only helps for a short while.
I have talked to my friend about it and she said i need to sort it out as it isnt good to hurt myself like this.

If anyone has any advice on controlling anger that would be amazing.

Dear Alice,

yes, it does not matter at all, but my oldest cat died last week . I called her Calico Bunny... but I got her when she was 4 years old (she lived another 14 years) and her original name was Alice.

So I am predisposed to helping Sentient Creatures named Alice.

This is why I am predisposed to help you.

First thing to realize is that ANGER is not an Emotion. It is a Behavior. The Emotion that prompts us to Behave with Anger is Hatred.

You seem to Hate a lot of Things. But, in Mitigation of your Moral Position, we have to stipulate that you are Young and Full of Ideals. Nearly Any Un-Ideal Thing might set you off.

The Religions used to be FULL of Ideals!... but to prevent the Problem you have fallen into, they Emphasized the First and Most Important Virtue to be Humility. Yes, they could be Perfectly Right, but STILL need to Back Off.

The Offset to Humility was Obedience. If you could Last in the System long enough, then your increased Rank and Status that come with just Living That Long, would translate into your expressing your Decided Judgment, and that you would finally be Heard.. even if only because of the requirement of your Listeners to Obedience. But if your Wisdom had been truly Wise, then, if your protégées have good memories, then they will come to realize that your Advice was not just something to Obey, but the Best Choice among all other Choices.

But, back to you.

You have done Very Good in walking away from Confrontations -- shouting matches, and unpleasant scenes.

By all means KEEP DOING THAT.

But, to get to the Root of your Problem, you need to take a good look at your Ideals and How Much You Respect and Value Them. They are probably Very Good Ideals --- as far as Ideals go... they may be, well, IDEAL.... But.... there is also the SOCIAL IDEAL of Maintaining Peace and Harmony. The Whole Ideal of Religious Humility was geared toward promoting Social Harmony. Just think about a House full, shoulder to shoulder, elbow to elbow,... a House full of Monks or Nuns -- just how many arguments and conflicts would you expect? Millions? Right? So Everyone was taught to be Humble, and it was assumed that this would at least Solve the Problem for Those Smart Enough to Listen to Age Old Advice.

This will Sound Terrible, BUT, the Imperative of Humility is that you need to sometimes just Ignore your Ideals, in the Interest of Maintaining the Higher Ideal of simply maintaining the Social Peace.

But, yes, you DO have an Anger Problem. Well, don't just listen to me... though it is a good start... go On Line and read all of the reviews for Anger Management Self Help Books and start reading them.

The Best Cure for Anger is to become and Expert in Anger Management.

yes, it takes time. You would not wish, ordinarily to take so much time on just this THING that cropped up in your Way, BUT.... you KNOW that Anger is a Real Problem for you. You SIMPLY have to take the Time to Study the Problem and become a Sage and Wise Expert regarding every facet of Anger Management.

If you should take up this challenge, then , well, Welcome to the Club.
r
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In my practice I see people who present with behavior they want to change or that they know is harmful. Sometimes they come to me asking how to CONTROL this or that. I usually go straight for the root causes instead of trying to work on the symptoms. This has proven to be extremely effective. In my humble opinion, the best way to control an unwanted behavior is to neutralize the underlying CAUSE. Always trying to CONTROL an emotion that is desperate to express itself through you is a constant struggle. What if that root cause no longer existed? Then there would nothing to control, right?

If I may ask you; are you able to identify the thoughts and emotions that pass through you leading up to your rage? If yes, what are they? Sometimes it helps for me to restate the question in other words for clarity's sake: if you could write down the series of thoughts and emotions or memories- ANYTHING that passes through you- how would you describe the entire process going from total calm to out of control rage?

Qumran@KeysOfPower wrote:In my practice I see people who present with behavior they want to change or that they know is harmful. Sometimes they come to me asking how to CONTROL this or that. I usually go straight for the root causes instead of trying to work on the symptoms. This has proven to be extremely effective. In my humble opinion, the best way to control an unwanted behavior is to neutralize the underlying CAUSE.

Well, yes... that makes a lot of sense, in its own terms. A Person who gets Violently Enraged when somebody cuts in front of him in Traffic.... well, with Intense and Goal Driven Therapy you could ALMOST CERTAINLY fix THAT ONE PROBLEM.

BUT...

Chronically Angry People are never Angry just because on One Thing, or even some confined Category of Things. Well, maybe you know more than I do on the subject, but it is my Guess that Chronically Angry people build up to Explosions. they are likely to Trigger on almost anything, if their Pent Up Rage gets to humongous to contain.

SO this is why the Current Models of Anger Management focus on Behavior Control. You Never Know where the Triggers will come from, BUT if the Patient is instructed well on discerning the onset symptoms of rage, and on how to shut these symptoms down, through some act of Cognitive Willpower, THEN the Problem can be dealt with at the SYMTOM Level.... to deal with Causes of Anger with a chronically angry person is to deal separately with every quart of water that goes under a bridge. Great if you could do it, but, well, you know you can't.

Don't despair! When you identify the triggers for your anger, you can process and release them. I have several effective methods to figure out what your triggers are, AND processes to release them permanently. The answer is, No, you don't have to live that way with anger running your life! You can't change the world -- but you absolutely can change yourself!

coachsuzanne wrote:Don't despair! When you identify the triggers for your anger, you can process and release them. I have several effective methods to figure out what your triggers are, AND processes to release them permanently. The answer is, No, you don't have to live that way with anger running your life! You can't change the world -- but you absolutely can change yourself!

Well, Coachsuzanne seems to be a Real Deal.

She is author of the book "Ending Anger, a Couple's Guide" by Suzanne Bare. The book only had 3 reviews, but they were all enthusiastic Five Star Reviews. And the Book is relatively inexpensive if you get a Kindle copy.

If I have some time, I will have to download it and take a peak.

But I do wish Coach would be a bit more expansive. yes, it may seem like you must write about the same thing over and over and over again... for each no Person that comes along. But, I have found it helps me better define and arrange my ideas. and in the case of The Coach... well, it might give her some material for a second book....