First post and just need to vent/express myself. I'm a recent college grad from a top 20 university, got a job in private equity straight out of college and was promoted 3 months into the job. I have a family that loves me and visits occasionally, since I have moved 11 hrs away (it's been a year). I even have a few friends in the area. Sounds like a good situation, right? I should be happy and I know it. But for whatever reason, I'm not.
I often feel depressed, though not suicidal, and it's been affecting my ability to get things done both in my personal life and my job. I can't concentrate and I often lack motivation - I keep getting the feeling that none of it matters, that I'm wasting my time. I'm always afraid that someone might notice this or think that I'm lazy/incompetent, even though all of the feedback I've gotten is positive.
I have some issues making new connections, particularly with coworkers. I don't "click" with the two coworkers that are within 10 years of my age and feel intimidated by some of the higher-ups in the firm. It's a small firm (15 including me) so this is a problem. I'm a quiet person by nature and get flustered easily, even when I know exactly what I'm talking about.
I've had a problem all my life with being extremely self-conscious and hyper-critical. I believe this is the root problem, but I can't seem to shake it. It's had a huge impact in my life. I've always heard that people sense when you don't like yourself and I think that's the case with me. I don't have a large number of friends (6 that I'm close enough to call on the phone, maybe 10 total) and don't have any "significant other" in my life. In fact, I've never officially had a girlfriend... I've had a few girls interested, but I was too dense at the time to pick up on that fact until it was too late. I've had times when I have a memory and realized what I'd missed before, or re-read a note and picked up on clues. I was a very naive teenager and a bit of a geek, which in my self image excluded me from consideration, so I was too afraid to try.
Finally, I've always had a problem over-analyzing everything that I say. I'll often go over conversations I've had in my head and beat myself up for saying something. I've even beat myself up for something that I didn't say or even think at the time of the conversation, but thought of afterwards. Am I certifiably insane? Sometimes, I'm not so sure... In my mind, I'm a blithering idiot.
Any insights? Are my ramblings decipherable? Has anyone had a similar experience? Thanks in advance.