Anger

You can't have an angry feeling without having an angry thought. What if you didn't take the angry thought seriously? What if you allowed the angry thought to just be without acting from that thought? Just asking. Let me know what you think.

Thank you for writing to me . I hold my feeling in and always anger

Asad wrote:I have really bad anger and I don't know what to do. I feel like my anger is taking over my life. My husband and kids are scared of me. I want to the dr and because I'm so anger the dr told me that I have cluster headaches. I feel that my anger is killing me. I'm so sad and scared I don't know what to do.

Dear Asad,

Oh, you poor thing. I sort of know how you feel.

I think you are All Stressed Out. Let me Guess.... you have a Million Responsibilities to Take Care of, and you don't have enough time to take care of a fraction of them... it seems like Every Day you lose ground and get further behind... but you are a Conscientious Person... even a Perfectionist... and it Drives you Crazy to live with Disorder and Neglected Duties.

Well, That Means you are a little Bit "O.C.D"--- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

You NEED to learn to Just Not Care.

There is a Scene from one of my favorite Movies--- "Point of No Return" a redo of the French Movie " La Femme Nakita" ... and Anne Bancroft, the knurled and worldly Old Instructor teaches the Young and Ignorant Bridgett Fonda the wisdom if "I Never Did Mind the Little Things". Later in the Movie it saves her life, repeating those simple words.

Anyway, When Life Gets too Much, just stop caring about "the Little Things".

You get home from work and the House is filthy. so what? it won't kill anybody. You don't have time to cook an old fashioned dinner. so what? call out for some delivered food. Just look! is Your Husband willing to take up any of the slack? Yes, he might blame you for Not Doing Things, but that does not mean it is important enough to him to do it all Himself.

Learn to Do only what Absolutely needs to be done. If you are under stress because of too many demands on your Time, then you simply need to pare things down, no?

If you are really O.C.D. --- if you have obsessive compulsive disorder, then Letting Go of these... well, they seem like Required Duties... may be quite difficult for you. I am a bit O.C.D. myself and so I have to intentionally make it a point to Ignore Stuff. Make it a DUTY to Ignore Everything that is not absolutely Critical.

Be O.C.D. about combatting your O.C.D.... Be Compulsive about not letting yourself be compulsive....

Hi Asad,

I used to have uncontrollable anger that would blow up at pretty much anything and everything. When it happened, I was out of control and had to just ride it out until it stopped. Over time I realized it was killing me inside, so I set out to try to stop it. The more I attempted to stop it, the worse it got. Eventually through therapists help, books and a lot of trial and error, I learned how to change those behaviours in a healthy way.

What helped me the most was starting an awareness practice. I sat daily and practiced looking at my feelings, body sensations, and this anger thing. Over time, I was able to see when the anger started, and what the triggers were. I then learned what to do with it. All I had to do was accept it, then feel the burning sensations of it through my body awareness and follow it through until it was complete. I practiced doing that in response to anger, rather than express it as physical and verbal behaviors. The more I could accept the overwhelming explosive feelings and allow them to be there as I just watched them move through me, the more I was able to understand what was causing them to trigger in the first place. Then through that, I started seeing what I needed to change in my life to support me feeling better about myself. As I allowed these feelings to move through my body, and made healthy changes in my life, the anger did not have to build and blow up anymore to get my attention towards the areas of my life that were causing me unhappiness.

I hope this helps you,
Arne

Dear Arnie.

That's Great!

What a Wonderful Post!

But I must mention that it must have been a Large Bump to get over, keeping your Reactions FROZEN while all these devastating feelings of Hatred and Revenge must have been sweeping over you.

You remained Calm and Reflective.

THAT is the Trick. You obviously accomplished it. Do you have more details. From what you said so far, well, you accomplished the impossible. The rest of us would really like more details on how you were able to do that. It took TIME, didn't it? It took PROCESS, didn't it? SO.... what was your Process and how much time did it take? Your achievement is quite significant, so if you could spare us the time to elaborate, well, we would All appreciate it.

Hi Leo,

I can appreciate your questions about what I wrote. I will talk some more about my experience.

It was not easy for me to learn how to do this, as for the first many years I just knew I had to stop getting so angry because it was killing me, but I had no clue how to do it. The more I tried to push it away, the more I would trigger into a deeper rage the next time. It took at least 15 years for me to get to the point where I could say that I actually started to learn how to let the anger go in a healthy way.

The thing is, if I had the proper guidance and understanding then in how to do it, I know that as long as I was willing to put in the effort to follow through, I could have done in 1 year what took 15.

The most important skill I learned that allowed me to do this was an Awareness Practice meditation. Every day, practice sitting somewhere quiet where you can be left uninterrupted. I suggest starting with 5-10 min and slowly build to 30. Practice being aware of your breathing by following the physical sensations of your lungs expanding and contracting. Notice all the subtle sensations through your whole body without participating in having to do anything about them. Just noticing and being aware. Practice catching yourself when you have drifted away in thought and bring your attention back to your breath. Notice the thoughts and how your emotions and body feels when you get caught in them them. Notice how relaxed you feel when you are just focused on your breathing. Notice how you feel when you were drifted off in neg or pos thought. Practice re-orienting your focus back to your breathing. You don't have to try and stop negative thoughts to change them. All you have to do is stop letting them take your attention to what is really happening in the present moment.

Doing this is to learn to be aware of your body sensations, and where your attention is automatically being directed to. With practice you will learn how to detach from your thoughts into being a non-participatory observer. In other words, you will learn not to get attached to the illusory based reality of them. You will begin to see that thoughts aprear to be real life, but when you start looking around and qoestion them, that they are just a mental impression of past experiences and perception that are replaying in your mind. You will start to see that anger is just a conditioned behavior that you have learned to react through when you see certain things you don't like or feel a certain way you don't like in your body.

In time with your awareness practice, you will see how the triggers of anger and other behaviors happen. You will then start seeing when they trigger. With bringing the experience of your Awareness Practice into this, you will be able to feel and experience these emotions through your body sensations without having to react physically in old ways. The energy is not repressed, it is expressed. At this point you are simply just acknowledging that you are FEELING angry... not, "I am angry", as that is saying that you are the anger. FEELING anger is just acknowledging the feeling of it so you can then accept it to allow it to run its course thtrough you.

Acknowledging what you feel and letting it be there, rather than resisting it, will allow you to experience the body feeling sensations of it. This experiential aspect is the only way to process and let it go. Then over time what happens, is you see that you are going along just fine, you see the trigger starting to build in your mind and body, and just before you get swept away in it, you will have a choice to take another road instead. At that point you are free. Without resistance to it, it cannot control you anymore.

This does not mean that there are not times that I still get swept away in thoughts and anger. It just means that at these times when it does happen (mostly it doesn't anymore), I become aware if it quickly and as soon as I can, I choose to step off the train at my next station.

All the work I did on learning how to resolve my anger, anxiety and panic attack issues led to me becoming an energy healer and Hypnotherapist. I now help others with this sort of challenge, to learn the tools to navigate and process through stressful emotional triggers on their own. If you are interested, I have a free Hypnosis download on my website. It is designed to help people to use awareness to process mindfully through a heavy emotional charge.

It is in a circle at the top right of the page. Here is the link: http://www.awarenessinhealth.com/#!copy ... ent-/c24az

Dear Mr. Pedersen... I shouldn't be calling you Arne...

Wow, that was Great! But I do think that One Year would be quite Compressed for even the Most Dedicated Practitioner.

My OId Guru used to tell me that Everything takes Will Power, and Will Power is Proportional to the Time and Attention you put into something. If you spent a Virtual Lifetime Being ANGRY, then it will take probably a bit more than a Year to use Time and Will Power to Undo all of That, no? But one can never dismiss the Power of Intensity and Dedication... but my experience with People is that they are not so very 'dedicated' or 'intense'.

I have started my own Program toward mindfulness, and it came about in an odd way. I've recently retired, and I decided to Study Advanced Mathematics... well, advanced for Me. After the morning, even though I have several strong cups of coffee, just the intellectual drain of having to do all of the New Thinking required makes me feel fatigued and tired. So I have been taking Naps... but I am still 'wired' by all the coffee. You see, Coffee does not keep you from Getting Tired... it just keeps you from Sleeping... and I would not drink it at all except I suspect it is very good for my arthritis.

But, unlike in your method... paying attention to my breath... I count up to 100, then return and back up to 100. sometimes Thought take over, and I just pull back and start at '1' again. I Know I am finally relaxing when my seemingly Active Thoughts in the Form of Words cease, and I go into the Hypnogogic State which has Visual Images... also the Body feels Differently... one Knows one is in the Hypnogogic State just by the Feeling of it. And it is not that fragile. I have five kitty cats, and they sometimes 'Jump Up' for quality time even when I am trying to nap, and I will take the time to pet them and make them feel welcomed, and then it only takes a moment or two to get back into the Hypnogogic State, once it has been achieved.

anyway, the biggest contribution is being able to derail the Thinking... most people Think they ARE their Thinking, without realizing that they can simply "Get Off the Train At the Next Station", as you put it.

Oh, I better check out your website, before I forget.

Hi Leo,

You are welcome to call me Arne. Is it ok that I call you Leo?

Yes, it would seem that if we practiced being angry for a thousand years and anger is all we saw the world through, that it would require a thousand years to break the habit, except for one thing. Time is all relative to our perception of it, and all in all, it is just a mental construct. What my point is, is that the belief that it will take a thousand years will support the neural pathways in our brain to make that so. Even further than that, how we perceive the time of a thousand years is also a factor, as that can change. I like Einsteins theory of relativity: "A young man goes on a date with a beautiful woman for 1 hour, and it seems like 5 min. The same young man sits on a hot stove for 5 min, and it seems like 1 hour".

In our Subconscious mind, there is no separation of time. When we trigger into anger and any other conditioned behaviours and memories that we past experienced, it does not matter if it was one day, 5 or 20 years ago if the associated program of it is activated. If our mind triggers to the experience, to our body and feeling sensations, it is like it is happening right now. Let's take a look at our dreams for a moment, as they can teach us a great deal about this. We awoke from a nightmare and are breathing hard, are tense and in a panic state. You look around and know it was just a dream, but you still feel the panic. Compare this to another time when you awoke from a pleasant dream. You feel fantastic. In both cases if you stopped right then and looked around you would clearly see that the experiences that you perceived in your dreams were not actually happening at that moment as you lie there in bed, but clearly your body did not get that memo, because, to it, the experience is real. The truth is, it may have been just in a dream, but because your perception in the dream was that it was happening, you then experience the physical and psychological by-product of it through all your senses and body.

Yes, it is logical that to let go of the old habits of anger requires time, but suppose we just changed our perception of time, and of anger to speed things up and reframe the charge of what anger is to us.

When we sit in awareness practice, it is soooo blissful to fall into that slower Alpha brainwave state, so we just keep pulling ourselves back into that place when thoughts try to pull us away. If we want to make lightning fast changes in some of our habitual unhealthy behaviours, taking a different meditation approach will bend time to allow ten years of habits be let go surprisingly fast.

Say we sit for a 10 count. We catch ourselves drifting off, we bring attention back to the breath, and then we drift off again, then we notice the judgemental voice saying we are no good at meditating so we might as well quit. We can use the count and pulling ourselves back for several reasons. One is to learn to be able to pull ourselves back to centre when we are out and about in life. The other, which is just as important, is to watch all the conditioning come up as we sit with rigid rules of counting as a reference point, sitting still and such. We see the resistance, we see the BS that tries to convince us to stop. We see how easily we fall into it. We see how one day it felt better than another, and we want to get back to that feeling that we like. We just sit and watch. Pretty soon from this practice, we can then see that our anger is just another shiny trinket that our mind tries to manipulate our attention away with. The third reason is that when we practice allowing what we feel to be okay, rather than resist and fight it, and experience it through our body, we learn the simple life skill of knowing how to process all emotions as they happen.

If we don't process emotion from our life experiences IN THE MOMENT WHEN THEY HAPPEN, they build up like snowballs, and this is how our anger, and other difficult emotions, get triggered out of control. This snowball keeps ramming into us with negative feelings to get our attention to process it. When we learn how to do that, it gets smaller and melts away. If we fight it, it just builds up and gets stronger.

Once we have learned to process through difficult emotions like anger, panic, or whatever, to allow it to be there and not do what we have always been conditioned to do from old conditioned reactions, we are then FREE from its control. We practice every day for the rest of our life to keep reminding ourselves what we are not. I am not my thoughts, I am not my anger, I am not my anxiety or depression. If I am not that, then what am I? We keep peeling away the layers of the illusions (thoughts, judgement, resistance, etc.). Life does not get perfect one day through this work, but instead we just realize that life and ourselves are perfect in all its flaws, difficulty and beauty, and in learning to allow rather than resist, one day we find ourselves saying "I wouldn't have it any other way!"

A little ramble there, but this is what I am passionate about!
Arne

Dear Arne,

Of course I will call you Arne, and of course you can you can call me Leo.. and I feel honored by the informality that you extend to me.

Still, Arne, we have a Problem with Time. You yourself said it took more than a Decade to Get Where You Are... for me it is something like 3 or 4 decades. Ammie Mann, a very talented Song Writer wrote "sometimes it takes a Lifetime to get what you Need".

But, having taken so Long yourself, you seem to be arguing that Other People could go much more swiftly... yes, if they Only Had a Better Idea of How to Go About It. Yes, I See your Point, BUT, YOU ARE REALLY VERY SMART AND I THINK YOU WEREN'T SO STUPID AS TO WASTE SO MUCH TIME. Yes, granted, you probably wasted some time... we all do... but More than a Decade being Stupid... NO! I do not See You Being That Stupid.

AND! Consider, AS MUCH AS WE WOULD LIKE, we are NOT Spiritual Beings with Infinite Capabilities. As BODIES and BRAINS we are FINITE BEINGS. Yes, we can find ways to go Incrementally Faster, but there is no way we can go Infinitely Fast. We have Limitations. I have seen this in my Dream Work, my Mathematical Studies, and my Music Practice. NOTHING happens instantly... Just on a Hope and a Prayer.... In the Material Physical World, we need to Appreciate TIME and PROCESS.

Now, Yes, I looked at your Website, and you obviously IN THE BUSINESS of making grandiose promises to People, with the expectation that they will subscribe to your ... well... it is not MILLION DOLLARS... but for many People it might just as well be. You Promise BIG in order to get BIG compensation.

But, ask yourself, Arne, is your SELF INTEREST in this matter distorting your Common Sense?

Hey, I have no Iron in the Fire here... it doesn't matter at all to me... and SO I Can Think Clearly On the Subject. But I wonder whether you are too distracted by the sound of the clink clink clink of the Cash Register. Well, that does sound mean... doesn't it? BUT, you have to admit that you said IT TOOK YOU THE BETTER PART OF 20 YEARS, but with your thought out and well conceived method... it TAKES PRACTICALLY NO TIME AT ALL. How COULD YOU KNOW SUCH A THING!? You would Need a Crowd of Perfect Saints and Avatars to testify that they were Made Perfect using Your Methodology. Well, Where Are These Perfect Saints and Avatars that you have Trained to Perfection, in, what, 5 or 10 Minutes... after their Check Cleared...

Anyway, it might be a good Business Plan, Arne. But, for myself, I study Math. I might tutor or teach someday... if I live long enough. I Practice Music, and it is fun, but, I realize that Music, as a Business, is sordid, dependent upon a great many technical details which requires the Best Other People, who are difficult to Find... or to Pay For, Once Found, and then the Actual Business of Music.... Going To Work and playing the same Sets night after night... well, It would not be as GOOD as just Doing It on my Own, where, after a 3 hour practice, playing the songs I like, well, I am In Heaven with the Angles... Or rather, the Angels Come down to Me. Angels love Music and apparently they don't get much New Stuff up in Heaven....

Anyway, I don't care much about Money. yes, when I had a great job before I was 'retired' I enjoyed a large income. But, believe me, I EARNED Every Penny, in putting up with all of aggravation. Poor and Content is much better than Rich and Morally Conflicted and Disingenuous. Indeed, Arne, haven't you noticed that your Financial Self Interest somewhat distorts your Judgment and shades all of your Programmed Pronouncements toward the Sunny and Optimistic Side.

Well, if you still doubt me, think about this... If your idea is So Great, and Billions of People Live on the Planet, Now, and even More before you came along... Well, WHY DIDN'T THEY THINK OF IT? Are you the First No-Stupid Person Ever to be Born, in the history of the World. it just does not seem plausible, does it? You know, when I am congratulating myself on being such a skilled and competent amateur musician... I make myself consider that there may be Thousands of People around just like me. I remember the writings of an English Traveler in Bavaria... Germany.. more than a hundred years ago. He loved Music and thought he knew the Standard for Great Musicians... then found that in Bavaria, EVERY FIDDLE PLAYER at some Barn Dance could play with more acumen than any of the Best Violin Players that he knew of in London.

Oh... this leaves me with an Argument against my Argument... and I am Honest Enough not to conceal it... That I, like that English Traveler, knows only what he Knows. You May Be Entirely Correct! You Might Indeed have Cultivated a 'Colony of Genius Bavarian Fiddle Players', so to speak, but I have not seen them, or heard them, and don't really Know.

We only have your Word for it... but we Know that comes at a price.

We should just wait until one of your Students comes forward and decides to Give it All a way for Free... shouldn't we.

that is what I did with my own Guru. I paid for it myself, but had too much moral self-respect to ask anybody else to pay for what should be simple Man to Man... Person to Person advice... for the Good of Humanity.

and unless it is Free... well, isn't just 'snake oil' ... at What Point Will You Not Claim ANYTHING... if your Landlord is banging on the Door demanding the Rent. At what Point are you no Longer Philosopher and a Guru, and become just sleazy Salesman out to screw all of the Suckers out there out of enough money to make your house and car payments?

Hi Leo,

Yes, it is good to hear different opinions, and I appreciate you expressing yours. I could go into all of that, as it is very interesting, however, I would rather orient my writing energy towards the people who feel they are a fit with, and are gaining help from the resources I offer.

In saying that, there are people who want to change the old cycle of not feeling good about themselves that are willing to do something about it. There are also people who just want to talk about their problems but are not willing put in any effort to change it, and there are many people in-between. There are also many directions that people can take to accomplish these goals. I only match some people with the avenues I offer, but not the rest.

If you do not feel that what I claim or offer in my business is realistic, that is ok, as that just indicates we are not a fit for that. For the people that are interested in the articles that I write on here, I am happy to offer my help if I am able.

Regarding what you said about my business, for the people not sure, I have plenty of free resources on many topics of personal growth and healing in the blog section of my website at no obligation. I also offer to write articles there on topics/questions that people ask help in. As well, I gift a free hypnosis audio to help people through simple tools to process through difficult emotions in stressful situations. Yes, this audio is in exchange for signing up for my mailing list, that they will get more free resources through over time, which they can unsubscribe from at any time and still keep the free audio.

Thank you, Leo, for offering your insightful perspective to my last e-mail.
Arne

Well, Arnie,

Please don't dismiss me so quickly.

It is True, my concern about the Time it Takes to do this sort of Thing. It is Not whether I am a Good "Fit". It is whether it is True or Not.

and, yes, it may appear to be insulting to you to suggest that you present a Rosier and More Optimistic PROMISE to people to help persuade them to Sigh Up for your Deluxe $250 Package --- which guarantees Everything that Anybody Might Want. I know how hard it can be to Think Straight while Money is Involved. Just last night I had a dream in which this Advanced Private School wanted me to attend a Function... a Contest or Debate with Another Elitist School. Well, the Bean Counters had done their Job and so everyone knew that about a 100,000 Dollars was riding on whether this School Appeared Well or not. Asked to wear the Schools Badge and Stand in their Corner, I said "Yes... for twenty Thousand Dollars". Then this one usually silent old guy in a Suit, stepped forward and said "Okay, but you will stay in line and play ball, and not be a problem.' I said "Sure". Well, did that promise, for money, not cut off all of my avenues toward True Objectivity? what if the School I was supporting presented themselves as a Pack of Fools, and the other School showed up as the Exemplars of Perfect Wisdom? What would I do then?

In the same way, I think you have too much Money Riding on Optimism. Rather than talking the Issue Through... you are dismissing me as Not a Good Fit.... well, Yes... I see your Point... I did not sign up for the $300 Deluxe Package...

Hi Leo,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. I did not feel insulted with what you said.

Arne

Arne Pedersen wrote:Hi Leo,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. I did not feel insulted with what you said.

Arne

HA!

If you did not feel Insulted, then why did you feel it necessary to Say that You Did Not Feel Insulted?

Whatever made you Think of Being Insulted, if you didn't Feel Insulted.

Oh! Maybe you should Enroll in my $600 On Line Seminary....I charge twice as much as you do because, well... If I am twice as good as catching you with blunders.....

Honestly. You are too FLAWED to teach anybody anything. Go Back to the Drawing Board and start afresh. If you need a Day Job, as they say in the Music Business, then get a Day Job.... but don't Try to Sell Wisdom until you Have Some.