Anger and Despair

**Posts:** 3 · by **polly** » Mon Jul 05, 2004 5:10 am

I am in a situation where I feel that since I have been married, my husband has been asking me to change constantly through his continual criticism. It has gotten to the point where I have nothing positive to say about our joint business that we manage together, resulting in a huge gap between us (he feels that I am out of control and now refuses to confide in me), and he has nothing positive to say about us.

He says such hurtful things, and constantly brings up the past. It has been a rocky 5 years in our marrige, but with some really beautiful periods. We are from two different cultures (he is from Asia - I am Australian), and our communication methods are very different. He believes that he is not responsible for anything that has gone wrong in our relationship and all his behaviours (good or bad) result from some misdeed or action that I have done that initiated it.

He is very intelligent and can manipulate things so that I feel I have done something wrong and need to correct it.

I am deeply in love with him, still... but I am so angry with him... I have developed what he has correctly identified as an 'edge' in my voice that just speaks the anger even when I am trying to make a joke - I just can't help myself. He constantly snipes back at me, often in front of friends and I get embarrassed, which just fuels my anger.

I feel like it's a spiral that cannot end, and I just wish I could hit the emergency brakes... but there doesn't appear to be any.

I don't want to lose this marriage... but I am in so much pain and lately have been alternating between constant crying and bitchiness (resulting in direct anger). Any suggestions or help would be deeply appreciated. I am on a limited budget so I can't afford a lot of books, etc - I seem to be subconsciously sabotaging our business.

**Posts:** 2821 · by **Roger Elliott** » Mon Jul 05, 2004 8:13 am

Hi polly and welcome to the forum. You seem to be blaming yourself for something that is down to someone else. I think I am right in remembering that the stats say that in a happy relationship, there are 5 'nice', or friendly exchanges for every critical one. It doesn't sound like you are getting this from your husband.

Maybe it is time to sit down and together and write down what each of you expects from the relationship. Then you can see if there is any possibility of common ground.

**Posts:** 23 · by **kelley2004** » Mon Jul 05, 2004 9:29 am

maybe this could be a time to go for marriage counselling. Seek professional help, that is what they are there for.
I hope everything works out for you hun.x

**Posts:** 3 · by **polly** » Mon Jul 05, 2004 9:33 am

Unfortunately, my husband wouldn't go - according to him it's not his fault... everything he does is a logical progression from some bad action that I apparently did.

**Posts:** 3 · by **polly** » Mon Jul 05, 2004 9:48 am

Unfortunately, my husband is very reserved in his approach to things, and thinks that writing all this down is nonsense. We should just be able to work (which sounds like his talk for 'I should just put up with all his crap').

Are there any links to the 'five things' that I can read - as you said I am new to this forum, so I am not too sure about what you are referring to.

Thanks / Stephanie

**Posts:** 29 · by **Fresco** » Mon Jul 05, 2004 10:07 pm

Hi Stephanie,

I understand your anger. I've been a lot of times in similar situations in my relationship. My partner never thinks she is wrong. She always (..oops, bad word) justifies herself and put the blame on someone else or on the situation so she hasn't done anything wrong.

Your situation seems to be worse. He is very intelligent and probably does a good job belittling you subtly. I wouldn't want to be in your shoes.

I do know the hurt of continual criticism of the person closest to me. I don't know if you believe in Jesus or not. If you don't then forget this post. But if you do then I urge you to go to Him in prayer.
God is the only one who fully understands you and who can give you the strength to survive under such pressure. Ask Him for the strength to love him unconditionally, even if he hurts you; the strength to be kind if he is unkind; the strength to be compassionate for his feelings and needs when he criticizes you. Ask Him for guidance.
Above all ask Him for peace.
He will comfort you, as He has done for me.

Greetings,
Francis

**Posts:** 492 · by **Mark Tyrrell** » Tue Jul 06, 2004 5:15 pm

Hi Polly have you looked at www.uncommon-knowledge.co.uk/relationships.html ?

Also: http://www.uncommon-knowledge.co.uk/rel ... dvice.html
It may give you some ideas.

All the best

Mark.

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