childhood sexual experimentation is making me to kill myself

**Posts:** 50 · by **Dale_znovic** » Tue Feb 09, 2021 11:30 am

so I've already posted a similar thread but sadly it didn't got enough response. so i am posting it again

so I am going to share something that happened when I was 12 or 13 or 14

so I discovered about pornography when I was around 11 I guess.

I only came to know what sex and masturbation was around a month or two before this incident. still I had a lot of question about it.

so there was my cousin girl who is 7 years younger than me. one day she came to my house wearing a frock and i noticed she was not wearing any kind of under garment. I was on a bed and she started to sit on me and do some drawing. when she did that I started to touch her private parts and then started to masturbate myself. There was no force or threat or coercion involved. i don't remember any penetration. she didn't even know that i did this to her. The next event occured next day. the next day I did the around the same thing.

actually i never even had the idea that it was wrong or a crime during that time. I was not at all matured back then.

but I had this thought of that my mom will scold me if she ever find out

thats all i never did anything again like that.

now i am 18. i was around a month ago came to know about the term Phedophiles and when i learned more about them, I suddenly came to this thought

i could accept that it was my age and harmones and I made stupid mistakes. but something is making me compare myself with a child molester or a rapist.

after this thought came to me i started to feel a lot of guilty. after some time i read a lot of online forum and find out that it is normal sexual exploration. and i was able to forget about the thought. after around 2 days i was searching for online and found out that every penetration is considered as sex. now i untill then i was pretty sure there was no penetration involved but suddenly i got this thought of around a 0.5 cms of my figer touched inside her private part. i really don't know if this thought is real or imaginary and suddenly this thought came to me saying that i am a rapist and a person who this society hates

I really have no idea why this penetration thought came to me and have no idea if this is real.

i feel I am the kind of person who don't deserve to live

I am struglling from this for 2 months. i never had any attractions to children . i have seen some psychologist before. all are saying to learn from the mistake and move on. but i don't how to do that when ever i even think about that it really makes me feel so bad that i have several times thought of commiting suicide. i know i was a kid then and should be not hard on myself. but i don't know what to do

actually i had a good life and i never been to a situation like this this is a first time. my both parents are aged and only i need to support them as their only child but i feel like i could not able to do that now . I feel like i made them failed as a parents and s

I started to think about this thought every time. all the time in my brain only i am thinking about this

i've asked in many online forums everyone is saying me to move on but really don't know how to do that .

another reason for my guilt is because i think i was 13 or 14 then i think i should've known better. but i was not mature back then.

i think i would be really better if i some one could tell me it was normal exploration because she dose'nt even remember it there was no force involved or i really don't know weather i touched inside her. the memory i having is touching with just my finger tip. but i don't know if it is true. that is my main concern

i am planning to move on and I am trying my best to do it. I hope any one of you guys could reply me.

i am sorry I don't want to trouble anyone. but i would highly appreciate if any one of you could tell me why this is not a crime and just curiosity. also why i won't be at jail

I am really trying to move on and everyone of your reply would help me as a step to my path.

Please some one tell me why this is just similar to any other person in this thread

thankyou so much for your support. hope i can get away from this. also i hope anyone who is in the similar situation could get helped by this thread in the future.
thankyou all. have a great day

also i think this will be my last post in this account and forum. thankyou everyone who takes their time to help others.

**Posts:** 41697 · by **desperate788** » Tue Feb 09, 2021 12:35 pm

The point is you were a Child when doing this i too at your ages was provoking my two year younger female cousin to beat me and humiliate me as a masochist

**Posts:** 50 · by **Dale_znovic** » Tue Feb 09, 2021 2:01 pm

is this a sexual abuse or a rape or just exploration?

**Posts:** 41697 · by **desperate788** » Tue Feb 09, 2021 2:05 pm

When its masochism you may be doubtful labeling it sexual abuse but it was so i think. She sometimes seemed to enjoy also.

**Posts:** 50 · by **Dale_znovic** » Wed Feb 10, 2021 4:56 am

no i am asking about me

**Posts:** 50 · by **Dale_znovic** » Wed Feb 10, 2021 4:57 am

someone guys?

**Posts:** 41697 · by **desperate788** » Wed Feb 10, 2021 7:11 am

Dale_znovic wrote:is this a sexual abuse or a rape or just exploration?

Maybe it was just play

**Posts:** 41697 · by **desperate788** » Wed Feb 10, 2021 7:31 am

Or just a childish exploration

**Posts:** 3 · by **Itsmeagain2021** » Wed Feb 10, 2021 8:59 am

Dale_znovic, I don't have any advice for you I'm afraid as I've posted a similar question myself on another thread. I hope you are doing ok. I totally understand the inner turmoil you are feeling as I too am feeling it.

**Posts:** 50 · by **Dale_znovic** » Wed Feb 10, 2021 11:49 am

hey megan, thankyou somuch for replying . that really means a lot . i don't know if i could able to get rid of this thought. all i know is i was a child then and there was no harm done to her. but the problem is i am really not that kind of person. i cannot just accept that i did it .

i am just praying to god for help me to cure.

if you want to talk about it i think we could take this chat to somewhere else. i know it is hard and i feel we both could feel better if we got some one to talk about it who has the same issue

i really wish even i could have got this thought in your age.

also this age difference is really killng

let me know. thankyou. hope you are doing well

**Posts:** 3 · by **Itsmeagain2021** » Wed Feb 10, 2021 3:42 pm

To be honest I'd not thought about my memory for a good while after it happened but its randomly popped up over the years but I was able to push it back down with the thought that I was just a kid. It's only in the last two months that I can't get it out of my head. I wasn't feeling too bad about it but the last few days I've been completely panicking over it. I'm putting on a bright face for my husband and children though. But it's hard when my mind is on a constant loop thinking about it. My biggest worry is that I've caused untold mental anguish to my brother, even if the intent wasn't there. I've been reading a lot on child in child sexual abuse and I've seen how negatively survivors of this are affected even if on my part it wasn't done maliciously but as I've said my memory on the whole thing is very hazy. It was a long time ago after all. I feel like I deserve to die because of what I've done. Ive never spoken about it to anyone and I just cannot begin to imagine what people would say or think of me if they knew this. I have my own family and I don't plan on doing anything stupid but I think I need to start counselling to try and come to terms with what I did. Easier said than done while in the middle of a pandemic and lock down. In no way am I looking for sympathy. I did something wrong even if not intentional but I should have known better.

**Posts:** 50 · by **Dale_znovic** » Thu Feb 11, 2021 4:39 am

exactly thats what i am facing too. thankgod there was no harm done to her and she dosen't even know about this. i am a good person now and i know that. i hope i will be able to get rid of this guilt too. thanks for your time.

**Posts:** 5 · by **Joe9899** » Fri Apr 02, 2021 2:29 pm

Hi everyone, I’ve read this feed and a few others and I’m in a similar situation.

I really need some help and support. I’m really in a negative place at the moment and I’m on 100mg antidepressants to help with ocd symptoms because I’ve literally been worrying about everything one after another. This has now hit me like a ten tone of bricks but I can’t get it out of my head. I feel so sick and ashamed I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I’m getting really bad suicidal thoughts but I’m scared to talk to a therapist. Please I just need someone to talk to about it. I need my life back

**Posts:** 5 · by **Joe9899** » Fri Apr 02, 2021 4:53 pm

I’m 23 and I remember it was when I was younger, I’m not sure if it was pre teen or as a teenager. I just can’t seem to remember the whole picture, it’s like a fuzz which is another thing that really hurts me but that could just be ocd. I haven’t really ever thought about it much until now. It used to pop into my mind but I just said it was experimentation as a kid but I’m just really worried. If anyone would be able to have a chat with me about it please let me know. I just don’t know what to do, I feel trapped

**Posts:** 2 · by **cursedforever4312** » Mon Apr 12, 2021 8:43 am

hey i can chat if you want

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