Bf with horrible anger pls help!

Thanks Richard, right now you are correct that I'm interested in -1- because at the moment that's the situation and position I'm facing. As I mentioned I broke up with him, and months later he comes back admitting a lot of his anger issues. To my surprise he fully said "it's so bad I can't keep a job and I lost the love of my life" what I'm trying now is not let the emotional side of my brain take full control over logic, hense my reason to open up this discussion. When we discussed his anger, the first time I asked him many questions about how he feels about it. He seemed genuinely considered and reaching out for help. When I asked him about friends, NOT past gfs, including myself, and how he reacts with them he fully admitted that in the past, if a friend made a comment about his anger he would stop all communications with that person. So I eventually agreed that I would give our relationship another chance if he is committed on helping himself, attending anger management groups, along with couples therapy. As people have mentioned on this thread its not uncommon for a man to say what the women wants to hear and go through therpay if it means they can get the girl back. I'm more curious about the anger he feels inside and if he can recover. Like you said situation -1- ... My part and role is not to actually be his nurse, I can't fix this, it's been his own way of coping with emotions long before I came along. But like I keep bringing up, the most concerning topic of his anger and what really made me curious enough to try and understand his perspective, is the fact his love like I've told him, seems to be like a light switch ... As soon as he's angry he no longer loves. I was so curious to know from other people that have struggled or currently struggling with anger if that's something they've experienced in a relationship.

You're reading hostility where none exists, Cece431. Everyone who has replied to your thread has addressed the "pls help!" in your thread title. All who have replied are forum veterans who have helped many new members. We're not much on hypotheticals; we take things at face value and respond accordingly. In face-to-face therapy the person who walks in is the one with the problem, no matter what they want to say about significant others.

The judgement comments "I doubt you speak in therapy about the full extent of your relationship" ...

I haven't seen this. Did the person who wrote it delete it? Or are you seeing only what you think is there?

I keep writing and responding, and watching the different people get more activated with my dismissive attitude towards them.

You set great store by not getting angry. Variants of "I'm not angry" have appeared several times in your last few posts. So you don't get angry, your boyfriend does ... and you rather enjoy getting him "activated" then showing him your "dismissive attitude". No doubt the blow-ups provide some catharsis for those enraged feelings you "don't" have, but it's a dangerous game to play. Better you do it on line than when in the same room as him.

You can't fight the urge to let your frustration out, and take a shot, a jab at... whoever is around.

I'm familiar with all the members who've replied to you here so far, and I can assure you no one is trying to wind you up or insult you. I don't expect you to see that any more than you understand your boyfriend.

quietvoice wrote:

Cece431 wrote:-"Hi guys,
So I joined this forum today to learn more about anger."
[. . .]

What is the source of emotions?

Have you given this any thought?

Cece431 wrote:Yes, maybe you can read through my last post...

Are you referring to #38 or #41?
Have you figured out the source of emotions?

Candid pls read some of the below comments left for me:

"Yes, that's what we're looking for. Anything that makes the bf feel better."

"Planning to be an anger management therapist, are we?"

"Cece,

It seems you want to be angry... it fulfills some kind of temporary need in your life...."

"Now, if your Boyfriend were to write in.... I'd tell him to split and not leave a forwarding address. I really don't see that you have any hope. You have just been wallowing in all of our good advice, and it doesn't seem like you want to actually do anything yourself to fix your problem."

"You are ASKING for advice all at the same time while you are telling us you are some Perfect Saint."

And here's one of my favorites

"I think we've all had a glimpse of what it's like for him."

Is it your professional opinion Candid that these are not at all hostile comments left? Or flat out counter productive.

As for your new post ..again your judgement based on information I have given you is doesn't add up, even when it comes to my own traumatic event, and past, you're making some pretty large assumptions. Even now in your last post...

"So you don't get angry, your boyfriend does ... and you rather enjoy getting him "activated" then showing him your "dismissive attitude". No doubt the blow-ups provide some catharsis for those enraged feelings you "don't" have, but it's a dangerous game to play. Better you do it on line than when in the same room as him."

Or how about you stating "You've acknowledged your own childhood wounding and are actively working on it." - what was my childhood trauma Candid??

"Attending therapy will placate you and make you think he's doing something about it. He isn't. You are. He can now expect that you will go on dealing with his anger indefinitely." - have you ever spoke to HIM at all? That's what I mean about being unprofessional in your post and passing judgement.

"1) You haven't done anything about the original trauma
2) You think you're now qualified to fix someone who has the same problem" -

wow who told you this? Now I'm really curious!! So not only do you have no idea what so ever about my past, any traumatic event but you're flat out saying I haven't done anything about it, AND LOL that I'm trying to fix my bf, who apparently has the same issue? Lol those are incredible bold statements.

"I think it highly likely you spend most of your sessions talking about Him. The psychologist will deal with whatever material you give her." - again assumptions on what we discuss? But you must know exactly what I talk about with my psychologist because you're a professional.

"A pro-active one (such as I am)" - eeks .. Had to add that in?!?

Are you seriously calling yourself a professional by your past comments, based on what I've said so far. I've even apologized and admitted that I took the wrong path and came here, and it was not the right resource to use. Just because I'm pushing YOUR buttons does not mean at all that's how I am with my bf lol. I think you would feel much much better if I actually wrote more about MYSELF and my behavior in the relationship, since I avoid it, so I can stay on topic which was lost long time ago now anyway, and people are now saying I'm in denial of my own issues, I'm trying to hide behind his anger to avoid my own emotions.

And read back, the reason why I'm saying I'm not angry with these post is because of the comments left saying that I am angry.

And thing is that Richard, also being a professional as also said somethings that I found off topic, but even so I have way more respect for his opinion than yours as he is not making any bold statement, going beyond the information I have provided.

And honestly, the thing is that her ise a stranger pushing your buttons on a forum, someone with more confidence would choose not to respond or engage, but you candid must always reply to explain and defend yourself lol.

Sorry QTvoice I was distracted. Are you asking me what was the basic emotion that lead me to post here regarding anger in the first place? I just want to make sure I understand your question properly. "Follow your heart but take your brain with you". Do I love this man? Yes. Did I break up with him when I refused to deal with his behavior (anger outbursts)? Yes. Did I break up with him because I didn't love him anymore? No. I logically saw that our relationship took a turn for the worse, I saw red flags and instead of what others said " enabling " his behavior I broke things off, and instead of staying with him based on emotions I knew I would not be in a relationship like that regardless of my own emotions and love for him. Now that I'm in a position where 8 months has gone by and he explained he wants to be with me, get married and I'm the love of his life. Now since I do love him, like I mentioned in previous post, I'm not willing to just jump back in. Even if its easier that way to default back to the person you love, know and comfortable with. So emotionally I love him, I'm prepared that this will not work out and he will not be able to recover from his anger issues. So I came to this forum I guess you can say, pushed by emtions and logic. I don't want to fix his issues, I don't want to learn how to cope with being his punching bag, I do want to understand him, where these triggers are coming from, is it possible to recover for him? I was under the impression that maybe there would be a man to see the post and we could chit chat about his experience openly about his past anger, and give me some insight. So far, I've been told I'm damaged and I can't fix him, or I write like I'm a perfect saint. Which of course I'm not lol, but as it stands, right now between me and this man is his anger. To me it always seemed to be when he loses control, some very small issues.... Like example, we are both smokers (yes I know it's gross) but in the car, while smoking I rolled down the window a little too much on a hot day, he did the window up further on his side, I didn't even notice, so a few minutes later I rolled it down a bit more to ash out the window better. He actually starting yelling at me "WTF!!! I just rolled it up, its too fking hot and I have the AC going" and there's a start of a fight. So yes, I didn't want to be with someone like that. Now I'm very surprised to hear his confessions, he's no longer denying that he needs help and his anger is ruining his life. With this new attitude I've never seen in years, I wanted to see from maybe someone that recovered from their anger issues, have more control over outbursts if they could shed some light for me. If you read my first post and some after I'm literally asking questions how anger effects his mind, and his emotions and like I said to Richard case number one, can he recover while being in a relationship? I think people are more interested in my own issues, and truly believe I'm allowing myself to be in an abusive relationship, and that I enable his behavior. When in this current situation, I want to go to therapy with him and see if progress can be made, and if he is sincere about recovering.

Cece431 wrote: I'm more curious about the anger he feels inside and if he can recover.

Give me a reason why you believe a person cannot recover from anger? You have heard of anger management therapy, therefore it would seem you already have that answer. Yes, a person can recover. If recovery was not possible, then therapy would not exist, right?

Is your question more "how" can he recover, not "if" he can recover? Or are you expecting some insight that based on what you wrote somebody can say specific to your BF, that yes he can recover? I don't think anyone could provide that guarantee.

what really made me curious enough to try and understand his perspective, is the fact his love like I've told him, seems to be like a light switch ... As soon as he's angry he no longer loves.

That is him punching you. It is a light switch, because when he get's angry it is his way of inflicting as much pain as possible on you. A person that is punching someone is not loving. It also then provides the reward for you when you apologize. After he has punished you enough, his anger subsides and you go to the "honeymoon" phase of the cycle, he can use love as a way to manipulate you. I am not saying an overt conscious plan, but a behavioral cycle enabled by any victim that "loves him".

I agree with what you're saying, it's like he's pushing me or withholding his love. What worries me is that it can go in for a long time. In the past he said "I don't love you, never will" and he sounded so sincere. I know recovery is possible, but being 38 and having this on going pattern, and forgive me for my ignorance, but is it too late? Is it something that will take him years to get under control. See IF I knew more about how anger effects his mind... If I knew more and heard others that recovered I would understand it better and I still stand by my statement. This IS what I'm like in my everyday life. Say I get into a subject about politics, and a topic comes up and I don't know, I will say "really?? I didn't know that" and I will take out my phone and Google and research. I sincerely LOVE to learn, and now that this situation has come up in my life, and it's something I don't know much about, I'm going to do research and learn about it, even if it's based on a current relationship issue, I honestly would like to know more. I didn't think that mind set was so confusing for others. But yes, I guess I went about the first post all wrong, and now others want me to understand their advice, and start to talk about all my issues and what I do wrong, and write further post about the overall dynamic of the relationship. So lets say he withholds love from me when angry, as uses that as a punishment, I made him angry therefore I don't deserve his love, BUT is it ever possible that he gets so angry he really believes he does not love me? Can high levels of anger do that?

Cece431 wrote:what was my childhood trauma Candid??

PTSD, anxiety, major abandonment issues...
~ viewtopic.php?t=93379&p=841359#p841359

This gives you not PTSD, but C-PTSD: http://www.pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html

Lots of useful articles listed to the left of this page. Best I leave you to it, I think.

Anyways for anyone feeling like I'm angry, or upset about the feedback left, I'm truly not. Maybe I'm just pushing your own buttons by me not thanking you for advice based purely on the relationship, rather than the subject of anger.

Lol.. I don't come on here for thanks Cece431 I can assure you. Anyway, you seem to know what you're doing so I'll wish you well and leave you to it.

cece, you might try using paragraphs.

walls of text are a little intimidating.

It's all as simple as Reply#12, which you answered in Reply#13.

That old saying of "Know thyself" helps in understanding others, because we are all the same.

When you understand that emotions are the by-products of thoughts in the moment, you'll understand that he and everyone else are acting out their thinking. When you understand that thoughts come and thoughts go, and that you don't have to hold onto any particular thought and make it a reality, that you can just let it go naturally, that another thought will come along, you'll begin to realize a calmer way of life. When you see that it's that way for everyone, you'll be more forgiving, because you'll know they are under the misguided notion that the outside is causing their emotions, and not the thinking going on inside of themselves. Let that soak in, and when you understand for yourself, that's how you can help others, just by living in this understanding. It all starts with you.

Hi again guys!

So I just wanted to write an update. He ended up cancelling our second appointment with our couples therapist because he didn't have the money, that I could understand. I gave it two days, he acted out horrible again and I broke things off. I cut all ties, although of course he doesn't even care being the superior narcissist, he blames it on me of course so HE doesn't want to speak to ME... What started off to be a simple disagreement on cat food, he snapped. At Walmart, under his breath he was saying things like "I can't believe you made a scene like that..I'm going to fking kill you... You're so fking stupid..." So I calmly walked out of the store and waited by the car. When we got in the car, I didn't say ONE word. He was slamming things around having a tantrum, and the whole way home not one word was spoken. I acting completely indifferent, got out, didn't say bye and haven't contacted him. Blocked every source of contact. I'm done this time.

Thanks for the past advice. I wanted to see if his anger could be worked on, I saw no effort, attempts and now a blow up because I asked him what cat food do you want me to get?!

I've read a lot about abuse coming from his end, any other books people have to suggest for me, on my end?

My phycologist suggested the road less traveled, I hope that speaks to me and helps a bit.

But of course I'm looking for something, like someone hear had mentioned, "why DO I put up with this behavior in the first place?"

Now I feel the closure knowing there's nothing on his side he will work on, I'm closing that door and chapter in my life and will work just on myself, and make sure I don't end up in a similar type of relationship.

Thanks
Cece

Cece431 wrote:...and make sure I don't end up in a similar type of relationship.

Congrats! As a police officer I saw the cycle of abuse again and again and again. It was a rare thing to see a person break free. It is not easy. Emotions can be very, very powerful. This is why the clean break, blocking everything is important.

What I recommend is to keep yourself active, very active for the next few months as to create mental distance from the relationship. You don't want to have too much down time where you begin second guessing.

You don't want to end up in a similar situation, so for now don't begin looking for another relationship. Put it down on a calendar, mark a green X 6 months from now where you lift a moratorium on any new relationships. For 2 months, maybe three, put another X. For 2-3 months you want to keep the old relationship out of your mind. Like I said above, create mental distance. In 2-3 months, then begin to revisit yourself and try to reflect on why you found yourself in an abusive relationship and how you can avoid it in the future. Six months from now you should be in a much better place.

Disclaimer: All of the above is just my 2 cents and how I would approach the situation.

That makes sense for sure. Of course I know and feel there's no way I'm ready or wanting to get involved for a bit. I mentioned in previous posts, I've actually always been pretty independent, I like being alone. I'm very sociable, however when I'm alone, I'm happy to be. I know keeping active and busy is very important. When I broke up with him the first time I took a few months to think it over, but I decided to get a puppy. I love animals and I thought it would be really healthy for me, my puppy who's now already 11 months keeps me busy, and ACTIVE lol. And what's great about it is I'm always thinking of somewhere fun and new to bring him, hicking, different dog parks. And even if I'm having a "rough day" I'm still getting up out of bed and taking care of him. So I guess I'll just put everything on pause. Read the books I have here at home for the time being and enjoy not being mentally and verbally abused.

Thanks again.

For example, I've noticed if he's actually wrong, he gets more angry at me, if he feels like he embarrassed himself, he gets angry at me. If I catch him in a lie, he twist and gets angry at me.

This is all ego, his ego cannot take it when he is wrong which makes him mad. Things like this are very difficult to change but it's possible if he realizes he has an issue.

If he admits he has a problem with his ego and anger then things may get better, however if he doesn't admit it, things are unlikely to change.

If he is unwilling to work on his issues then you either put up with it or end the relationship.