My girlfriend and I are trying to fix a recurring issue that has been ongoing off and on for almost a year now (since we started dating). Bear with me, as there's a lot to cover, and I want it to be thorough so we can get feedback from an informed perspective.
The recurring issue we have is a breakdown in communication that leads to arguments. Generally, I say something or ask something, she takes it in a negative or critical way (when at least 85% of the time, I don't mean it that way), and before I can clarify the intent behind what I said, she is too angry to be receptive. The anger leads to her yelling, name calling, insults, hurtful comments, threatening the relationship, or altogether ending it. I try to do my best to remain calm at those times, but after she is upset, it's rare that I can ever do anything to fix it at the time. I just hate walking away and leaving it alone when she took something the wrong way while in my eyes, she is hurt, upset, and/or angry purely over a misunderstanding. It's also nerve-wracking walking away when she has ended the relationship. It freaks me out, as I love her in a way I've never loved anyone else before in my 44yrs of life. Every time, I wonder if this is the last time, if I may have lost her permanently, and it breaks my heart.
After she does calm down (hours, days, or sometimes weeks) and we're able to have a calm conversation about it, then she is receptive to clarification and can understand where the miscommunication happened. The problem is, by that time, the damage is already done. And even then, she will oftentimes still question my real intentions, like I am possibly lying to her in order to reconcile. I have tried to tell her that makes no sense, as if she can’t deal with my intentions and who I genuinely am, this wouldn’t work. But, she still usually has lingering doubts at that point, doubts that seem to be accumulatingcompiling with every argument.as time goes on.
Some of the problems on my end is I can tend to be very blunt, and since I'm scattered (ADHD), it can be very hard to read my body language accurately, which she also relies on to determine my intent (but as already stated, it's usually wrong). This ties into her reasoning behind getting upset. She says rather than what I say, she relies more on my tone, body language, and "past things" (which I feel is predominantly comparing it to other arguments, which of course makes this even harder). She also told me she believes "her feelings" over anyone's words. However, I strongly feel those feelings have been compromised by past traumas and subconscious fears. She also bases it off what she called "vibes and such." So, in that regard, I don't see any way at all to handle that. I can't do anything to change her "vibes" or her feelings when I talk. I've been working on approaching topics more sensitively, in a more round about way, and we've established some topics we just can't talk about altogether. I'm also now trying to pay attention to my tone and my body language, but that is entirely new to me since I haven't my entire life (44yrs old now). I have tried to explain to her that her vibes are wrong, where I believe they are coming from, but she doesn't believe me.
I do feel she at least has some doubt about them, or by now, she would believe I am a terrible human being. A part of what doesn't make sense is how I'm a giver. When with her, I regularly do things for her. Massages, washing her hair for her, asking where she wants to go or do, asking what she wants to watch when we watch TV, cleaning up around the house at times, feeding the cats, brew her coffee in the mornings (I'm almost always up first), make an effort to be a part of her children's lives, and so much more. My actions are in complete contradiction to someone who is critical, looking to hurt her emotionally, etc. But, she seems to dismiss the cognitive dissonance when she is believing I have ill-intent.
On her end, she has made a huge and very noticeable effort towards remaining calmer, and I know she is really trying hard like I am, but we still have these arguments at times.
We've tried a few different ways to resolve it to no avail. I've asked her to please ask me what my intent was, or let me know how she took something I said, before getting angry. It doesn't work though, as by the time she took something in a negative way, she's already too angry to talk rationally about it. My frustration of course is that I feel if she would just ask for clarification when she takes something the wrong way, it would avoid at least 85% of our arguments, would keep her from getting hurt, and we'll be amazing again.
The best we've done so far is like I said, I now avoid certain topics altogether, have to approach other topics VERY delicately, and she does her best to keep her calm when it happens. But even then, I will sometimes say something that I feel is completely harmless, and she gets upset with me before I even know why. So, we need more ideas of ways to work on this that can help more.
We know there is some core issue not being addressed here. Her last serious relationship was 7yrs ago, and she had the same off and on relationship conflicts we have. Different problems, but the same pattern. I do feel a lot of our conflict comes from negative assumptions on her part as a defense mechanism (but she views them as those vibes or feelings about what I'm saying). Another way to look at it is triggers based on past traumas. While she could take some of my comments multiple ways, I feel sometimes, she takes it the worst way possible and insists that was what my intent was. But, talking about negative assumptions hasn't helped.
We just recently started talking about figuring out the core issue, as whatever it is, it isn't going away on its own. In my opinion, I feel it is fear based triggers based on past trauma. My reasoning is the recurring pattern from her past traumatic relationship. Second is I have described the situation in detail to a psychologist I talk to, and she felt the root of the problem was unhealed traumas from her previous relationship (which is why it's a similar pattern). Third, she is not like this with anyone else I have seen her interact with. With everyone else, she is very patient, understanding, compassionate, loving, etc. Of course, that just makes it hurt that much more when you feel she treats others far better than you at times. She says it's because no one else hurts her like I do, but I don't know how to get her to understand I NEVER mean to.I don't hur
While my girlfriend feels it's a personality conflict (which to an extent in some circumstances, it is), I feel that has very little to do with it most the time, as even then, if negative assumptions didn't happen about my intent, or clarification was asked before she reacted to it, the arguments wouldn't happen at least 90% of the time. The reason I say this is when she is calm and collected after the fact and I clarify why I said what I said, she then sees that with that being the case, there wasn't a need to argue about it.
So, we need to figure out a way to handle these conflicts more effectively and prevent them from escalating. We have read some of a relationship book together and other resources, and it has helped to a small extent, but not enough yet. Also, while I have been seeing a psychologist for a while now due to past issues, she just started seeing one recently. Only one session so far, but I’m sure that will help us as well. Want to do couples counseling, but our finances are tough right now. It is something we want to do though.
Her main focus right now is fixing her depression. She’s going through some really bad depression, so her priority with her counseling right now is to work on that. She has always dealt with some depression to some extent, but our prior issues with arguments exacerbated it. She feels she regressed as far as progress that she has made over the years after her break up seven years ago with her last serious relationship. In my opinion though, I feel it is issues that were just never resolved, and she dodged them by not having a serious relationship. When she had a serious relationship again, those issues came right back to the surface. But, that’s just my best guess and my psychologists, but my psychologist has never talked directly to her. She’s just going by the feedback I gave her so far. I do my best to try to be objective, but of course she's still not hearing another perspective of it.
On a good note, for the first time ever, we were able to implement the speaker/listener technique a couple times recently. Yet another example that I know she is working with me on this, as I know it was VERY hard for her to do it when she was angry. But, while not perfect, we did it, and our conflict went FAR better than how it normally does.
And before you give any feedback, no, breaking up isn't an option. We are a family, have a connection neither of us have ever had before, and we are determined to fix this, know we can fix this, but just need help fixing it.
With that said, we'd love feedback from you guys about a few things. One, how to handle the conflicts more effectively while we fix the core issue. Two, how to dig into the core issue and make sure we know what it is (I've seen some online resources, but would love to hear feedback on what ones you guys feel are the most effective). Three, if you don't feel unhealed wounds from her past is contributing at all, then any idea what the root cause could be? Four, what is cit is assuming it is wounds from her past relationship that haven't fully healed, what we as a team can do about that to help the healing process (I do know with 100% certainty she is over him, it would just be remaining trauma)? We appreciate any help you guys can give us.