1 year and a couple months clean.

Well, I made it. I can confidently say I'm past the worst of what PAWS threw at me. I've been feeling pretty damn good for a few months now, but considering how awful the past year was I never really trusted it. I was always waiting for the setback to come along, but it didn't and hasn't.

I've started enjoying life again, started moving on and past all the wasted time smoking, all the wasted money. I'm able to enjoy things without the artificial blissed out numbness that I lived with for over 20 years. I'm comfortable in my skin again, I'm at the wheel as opposed to being driven by the existential pain, depression, anxiety, and just out of body experience that is marijuana induced PAWS.

My emotional response to things is 'normal' again. Though what is normal? Lets just say I finally got to a comfortable baseline. Life has its ups and downs still, but I'm able to deal with them again as I thought I could deal with them while high all the time. In truth I was just ignoring them, and now I get to explore them. The good and the bad, and it's pretty great. Not being completely sidelined by anything bad that happens and being able to feel 'good' again is a pretty awesome thing, considering the last year.

I can enjoy all the things I always enjoyed most while being high all the time and it's a great feeling considering how long I went feeling nothing at all. I've picked up new hobbies, and am slowly making my way back into life.

It's impossible to describe the hell of this last year. Especially the first 3-6 months of it. Just no way, you have to experience it to believe how completely awful it truly is. Robbie1e_g also just passed a year and a few months and I completely agree with everything he said regarding his own recovery. It's scary the thoughts that cross your mind, completely terrifying at times. When you can't feel anything but sadness, pain, and stress you begin to look for a way out. ANY way out, and that can get dark and is the most horrible thing.

I'm here to say, though, that it will pass. It DOES pass. You just need to hold on. Keep pushing through one minute, then five minutes, then an hour, a day, a week, a month...a year. You will find you're getting better, it is just so slow and incremental you'll almost not notice the day you're 'better' and tell weeks to months later. It's...it's hard to explain but it WILL happen for you, I promise.

You'll read a ton of posts that give you some advice or another about how to get through, but here's mine.

Reach out.
Bring people in to your suffering. I don't mean always be a downer around them, but let people close to you know what you're going through. At times you'll hate it, you won't want to be around people but at the same time you won't want to be alone. This is all normal for what you're going through, but keep people close to keep tabs on you. The people around me noticed I was getting better before I did, their feedback is invaluable. Seek professional help if things get really bad. I did, and I honestly don't know how I would have made it without my doctors and a weekly therapy visit. Most importantly, reach out to the people here who have made it to the other side, send them private messages if you have to. At the time it might not feel all that great, but you'll soon realise that support in your real life and on these boards will get you through.

Don't spend too much time on the boards.
Your recovery is going to be different than everyone else's, I promise you. You'll see some similarities in the posts you read but another person's struggle is no way going to be an indicator on how your struggle is going to go. You can't make their timeline your timeline. You're journey is going to have its own unique flavor of awfulness. Accept that, and take from these boards the most important thing: Hope that you will, in time, recover. You just need to be strong. Find the posts that give you hope and read them over and over again, but do try to limit your time here.

Exercise.
Don't go crazy, especially if you haven't done much exercising before in your life. Start with a simple walk. Every night, morning, afternoon, whenever. Get into a routine. A routine of anything will help you so much as you push through. The exercise will help you heal. When the walks become routine, add something else, anything else. One small thing at a time. Exercise is proven to give you some of the feel good chemicals that you're sorely lacking right now. It's not an instant or quick fix, but it will pay dividends, I promise.

Don't listen to your depression.
Depression lies to you. It will tell you that you're never going to get better. That you will always feel the way you do. That you ruined your brain, that there's no going back. That it's hopeless. Don't believe it. You'll have to listen to it, but you don't have to believe it. Don't think you've done some kind of permanent damage. Don't spend hours and hours on Dr. Google and come to the conclusion that you're not experiencing PAWS and you have developed some kind of mental disorder. If you have fears see someone, a doctor/psychiatrist/therapist, SOMEONE. Express your fears to them, but don't feed them through hours and hours of internet searching for what is 'really' wrong with you.

Let time do its thing.
This is the most important one. Time is your ally and your enemy in this. You'll have time to improve yourself, but it's going to take time to heal. And it will slow to a crawl sometimes. I remember when minutes would feel like hours, days would feel like months. It's BRUTAL but it's the process. Let your brain heal, give it time to set things right. Your mind and brain are two different things, but once your brain starts getting things right again, your mind will follow suit. Let time pass, trust the process. An addict is always looking for the quick fix, accept right now there is no quick fix and you'll be on the other side before you know it. Trust me.

Anyway, I'm going to close this out for now. I'll try to be around to help out anyone I can as others helped me.

Speaking of which I want to thank some people on this board for getting me through what was the shittiest, most difficult thing I've ever done:

Bagobones, cleanofgreen, Transformer, and reckoning, you guys are the best. I truly can't explain how you helped a complete stranger fight through this. You'll never know the impact that your words of encouragement and advice gave me. Just know that it kept me going and got me to where I am now. Thank you, bless you all.

As to some good journals that I would read time and time again I'll offer these names: Tokes, johnrlivingston, cleanofgreen, bagobones, reckoning, soulfull, Wave, and crap--there's like two more I can't remember right now. If I dig them up I'll post in here.

Stay strong guys, reach out if you need. I'll be around. This place gives you hope when you need it most. Believe in it, believe in yourself and just keep going. You'll make it, I swear.