Anger Management and the Inexperienced Authorities

If one were to consider Anger Management as some huge amorphous institutional entity, then we could consider that it has two main sources of Authority – two sets of Voices speaking for It. First, there are the Psychologists who formulate Effective Therapy Structures and Do the Work as Therapists out in the Field. They are the Ones we are speaking about when we talk about “Professional Help”. Secondly there comes the Self Help Book Authors and the Publishers who are actually the ones who decide what we get to Read.

My primary concern in writing this Post is to point out that neither the Psychologists nor the Professional Authors have ever necessarily been particularly Angry People. I would suspect that the Psychologists are too selectively filtered to admit of any very dysfunctionally Angry Psychologists – You can imagine what their Lives had been – they all performed very well in High School so they could get into College, and after College they would need to do all of the Post Grad Studies necessary to be Certified (my daughter required a Master’s Degree and then a Doctorate). Anyone with a serious Problem with Anger would most likely not have been able to survive such a lengthy and often times very stressful process of qualitative screening. So I would suspect that the Only Thing they know about Anger is what they Learned from their Various Studies, and then what they were able to pick up in the Field through their own observations. But for Personal Experiential Insights into the Anger Experience and Condition of and Angry Life, well, they’d only be guessing, or interpolating from ‘that time they got the wrong color bicycle for Christmas which made them So Mad!’. With the Professional Book Authors, well, Publishing Houses and Editors can hand pick the Authors who work for them, and since Angry People are typically difficult to work with, I can’t see how any Angry Author could get published. Besides, Professional Authors, for the most part, go from Subject to Subject – whatever is Selling Best At the Moment. Because their connection to Anger Management is so ephemeral we really expect much from these Authors. But, yes, there are some Authors who are in fact Psychologist who, if they want to ‘publish’ are forced by necessity to go to the Popular Publishing Houses (they effectively have no choice since most of the University Presses have shut down, probably so the Schools can divert that money to invest in their more Profitable Athletic Programs). These Psychology-Sourced Anger Management Books are the best available, but still they may suffer from the Blind Spot involving the Lack of Personal Insight – that these Authors have never personally been excessively angry and have never had to personally deal with the Consequences of having been excessively angry.

Of course, if a Psychologist, whether as a Therapist or as an Author, has had sufficient exposure to Seriously Angry People, and if their Intelligence is informed by Empathy and Responsive Imagination, then they can very well come to Realize what the Real Issues of Anger Management are, that is, the Priorities that should be respected.

But often in going over the books by the Psychologists, and especially the books by the professional writers, I have found that often THEIR Priority is to make the Angry Person a Whole Normal Healthy Person. Well, such an Ideal Goal would be great!... if it could be had by magically Snapping One’s Fingers or waving a Magic Wand. But in the Real World where Angry People can suffer the most serious Personal and Professional Consequences for any further Outburst, well, it would be a silly and irresponsible dereliction NOT to Prioritize the Anger Management Structure and Schedule of Treatment, with the First Focus being on Risk Reduction. Yes, an Angry Person can eventually become Totally Functional and Socially Capable, but it may take years of continuous Work and Practice. So in just the First Weeks or Months of Therapy we should be satisfied if we can only prevent the Worst from happening. Pride and Standing Tall with Human Dignity must sometimes take Second Place to Taking Cover when under Fire.

In this regard we should see Psychologists and Authors stressing the Importance of Avoidance, that is, having the Angry Person identify to himself the places, people and situations where he is at most Risk of being Angry, and then to steer clear of them or, if these things can’t be avoided, to focus on ‘Laying Low’, so to speak – that is, to concentrate on Not Being Drawn Into any Unpredictable Conversation or Interaction. And IF drawn in to a hi-risk situation which can’t be avoided (such as being called into the Boss’s Office), the Angry Person needs to know to ‘Agree’ his way out of Danger (so you have to lie and tell the Boss his stupid Idea is “Great”). Likewise with Relationships that carry a lot of friction, the Angry Person can be advised to limit all unnecessary contact, but when ‘togetherness’ can’t be avoided, to understand the wisdom behind just saying “Yes Dear”. But Most of the Anger Management Authors would see such Avoidance and Equivocation as Non-Ideal Behaviors and Dysfunctional in their own right, and so they don’t advise such tactics. So the Worst happens to our Angry People – they get fired or their relationships break up because they were drawn into a Fight that really could have been dodged if only they felt they ‘had been allowed to’ in the Face of all the Authorities who push them to “Assert Themselves” and “Communicate their Needs”. And then, to hear that “Anger is Natural”, as though it is some Premium Organic Brand of Breakfast Cereal, is the Last Thing that should be told to Anybody who Knows that any further Flash of Anger in their own Lives would most certainly be 100% BAD. Yet, almost every Anger Management Book you pick up tells you that Anger is Natural. “Eat IT Up!” But the Point that Should be made is that Anger can be successfully and completely overcome. We CAN maintain control over ourselves. WE ARE NOT ANIMALS!

There is another problem with Psychologists and Therapists in general that we should all be aware of. That is that the Therapists go in with certain assumptions and working goals that may not be geared for your own ultimate well-being, such as that you stay in the Job that is in fact causing you the Trouble, or stay in the Relationship that is stressing you out beyond your limits of endurance. You see, the Therapists see themselves as trying to assist you with your Damage Control, and in most cases that is what we actually do want – to Keep our Jobs, and to Keep our Relationships. But, what if the Therapist Actually Thinks that the Job is killing you, or that the Relationship is doomed and will only make your Life More and More Miserable? Well, the Poor Therapists feel somewhat duty-bound to consider ALL OF THAT none of their Business, and so they will think it their Job to go through the motions of doing what they believe you are paying them to do – to teach you the coping skills for dealing with your own problems as well as can possibly be expected. But wouldn’t you WANT TO KNOW if a Trained, Educated and Experienced Expert really thought all the Odds were Against You and that the Real Best Way to deal with Your Problem would be to simply ‘strap on the parachute and bail out’? It may be just the Thing that you Need to hear!

You see, once when I was in Therapy, the Therapist and I would talk about none-anger issues if there were a few minutes remaining in our session, and so I once asked about something I was curious about. I told him that I knew that with Psychologists like himself, that Anger Management and Couples Counselling were the Bread and Butter of their Trade, and so I wondered how he advises Couples that present to him every indication that they are Doomed and that neither party could ever expect to be happy in such a mismatched pair? That is when he told me roughly what I said above – that their job is to advise regarding Coping Skills and Damage Control. They will keep their larger opinions to themselves UNLESS they are Specifically and Directly Asked to discuss whether a Break Up would be the best overall option. Well, we can see that this same proviso would also apply to Anger Management Therapy, regarding as to whether our Worst Problem is our Anger or in fact the Job or Relationship that is continuously Stressing us into being So Angry.

So, anyway, be aware of the Limitations that your Therapist is working under, and don’t assume that Everything is open to Discussion unless you yourself direct it to be so. And with book authors in Anger Management, well, remember that it is not very likely that any of them REALLY knows what you are facing. So you need to Learn what you Can from them, and use your own Fear and Common Sense to set your own Priorities.