Hello,
I am a 20-year-old gay man. I have been in a relationship with a man of the same age for 2 years now. I have noticed I had a lot of insecurities which cause me to be dependent/controlling of my boyfriend. This often causes arguments between us.
I need quite a lot of attention from him. If I'm aware that he is not busy with anything important, I expect him to be replying to my texts in the following minutes. If not, I can't help but feel abandoned and ignored.
Same thing goes when he is out with his friends. If he doesn't reply to me for one or more hours, I may feel rejected, and feel like I am being replaced by his friends.
I am trying my best to be indulgent as I know most of the problem comes from me and my insecurities, but I don't know what to do. I would like to change and be less dependent. Moreover, I am often asking him what he is up to as I feel the need of always knowing what he is doing (although I am not jealous at all and trust him 100% as far as loyalty is concerned).
I can't understand the reasons for this dependence and constant need for attention. When I was a child, I always received a lot of attention and affection from my mother. My father wasn't always home, but when he was, he would still give me attention when I demanded it, and was very nice and gentle with me. (However, I can remember that I always favoured my mother, and didn't really seek attention or affection from him). What I can remember however is that - when I was 4 to 6 years old- I was always fantasising about having an older brother. I used to imagine that my parents and I would find some random
abandoned teenage boy in the street and adopt him. I can also remember that - at the same age - I fantasised about holding this fictional young man - or even my friends - as captives. (Yes, that is scary).
I don't fantasise about any of this anymore. But I think the captive part can somehow explain why I always want to know what my boyfriend is doing ? As for the wish of having an older brother, this may either be a cause of my homosexuality, or this can be a result of it.
By posting here, I am hoping for someone to:
- give me clues on how to become less dependent
- explain the origin of these weird fantasies I had as a kindergartener, and tell me if it is linked to my current behaviour in my relationship.
Thank you by advance!