Amount of time to "cool off"

Dear RV

Actually, to have Anger Episodes “once or twice” and month, even the kind of episodes you describe, well that would be classified as, well, Chronic.

Think about it. You would not be able to hold down a job, if you became a ‘Problem’ once or twice a month. How about Relationships. Do you think anybody would want to live with you, if they had to deal with One or Two Anger Episodes every month.

I only had anger espisodes Once or Twice a YEAR and that was Way too much. People are Unforgiving. Once people see you angry, it scares them, and they remember you as a Threat, or some Crazy Annoyance. Even a little bit of Evident Anger… that people can see, can damage your Standing at Work and in your community. The Best Way to Live is to NEVER be caught by anybody Acting Crazy… and that is what People think of angry people.

Now, yes, in regards to what you mentioned about Anger Keying You Up and upsetting you for Days in a row, but it finally goes away. Yeah, that is what Anger does. The Anger Management Books call that “The Leaky Bucket”. The Bucket fills up with Anger, from Stress or whatever, and creates a big problem, but if no other stress arrives to replenish the Bucket, well, the Anger eventually leaks off, and we appear Normal for a while.

Some people are Anger on a kind of bio-cycle. If you circled the Day on the Calendar every time they blew up over something, and reviewed the Calendar after a year, you would find that you could reasonably predict when that guy would blow next, plus or minus a few days. If you were his boss you could tell him when to just stay home.

Anyway, yes, if you already have Counselling Scheduled, that that would be a Wonderful Idea. But unless you go in for Really Long Term Therapy… 10 weeks is not enough… it would be a good idea to study Anger Management on your own. There are plenty of good books about Anger Management. Look into them.
Good luck with Counselling. Let us know how it goes. Oh, its been decades since I did counselling. If you would be so kind, let me know what the Therapy is like.

Thanks for the reply . yes, it is chronic. I have a couple anger management books but I think therapy will be better. People are unforgiving yes and when they are raged at they have every right to be.

The anger is bad enough, but to get stuck with my pride or ego or whatever keeping me in that state makes things even harder.

I will keep you posted on the therapy and I will check out that book too. I know I am not doomed I just need some help and guidance. I think. I can't be doomed.

Rvt001 wrote:Thanks for the reply . yes, it is chronic. I have a couple anger management books but I think therapy will be better. People are unforgiving yes and when they are raged at they have every right to be.

The anger is bad enough, but to get stuck with my pride or ego or whatever keeping me in that state makes things even harder.

I will keep you posted on the therapy and I will check out that book too. I know I am not doomed I just need some help and guidance. I think. I can't be doomed.

Hi RV,

Oh, no, RV, it is not "pride or ego" that keeps you in the state of Anger. It is the combination of Adrenaline and though Momentum. Your Blood is kind of boiling and the Internal Dialogue that contributed to kicking off the Anger Episode is still running. It is one of the Things you will Learn in anger management -- how to Jump In and re-direct the Internal Dialogue.

Well, I guess you COULD call it 'pride and ego' for lack of better names, but that would be making too much out of it. It is more like an Impersonal Mechanism, and most people fall victim to it once in a while. To Confront it and Fix it, well, it does not feel much like you are either subjugating one's excessive Pride or one's Ego. it feels more like just figuring out how to put the brakes on some runaway wheel. it is all just mechanistic.

anyway, if your Anger is Chronic.... do the Therapy... but for the rest of your Life, or until you honestly can say that you Loaded Entirely New Thought and Behavior Habit Structures, well, I think you might need Refreshers. Therapy is expensive, but some very good books can be had on the cheap...

AND, I think you will do just fine. I got that feeling..

Rvt001,

Is there something you tend to get angry about? Anything that triggers your angry episodes? This would be helpful in giving advice.

betawarrior wrote:Rvt001,

Is there something you tend to get angry about? Anything that triggers your angry episodes? This would be helpful in giving advice.

Oh, that reminds me... and I have never mentioned it Here.... that many people Trigger on Driving and Traffic stuff. As soon as they get behind the Wheel they start cussing and fuming. and this is one their Way to Work... so by the time they arrive at the Job they are already On Edge and Half Cocked.

So, Beta, it is probably one of those things common enough to simply ask about. I already suggest that people are Probably Working themselves up toward an Anger Episode by swearing and using swear words in their Internal Dialogue.... that is almost Universal in anger management. and I think it might also be true that people with Anger problems nearly always indulge in Anger when they are driving.... it seems a Safe Place to express their Anger where they cannot be held responsible.... that is until they get carried away and people can SEE what they must be saying, they Glare at people with obvious Angry Intent, or make those very insulting hand gestures.

Just a thought.... your advice must have 'triggered' it.

Well. I have read that bad language can actually be a start of anger. And I fully believe that. So I try not too swear or get excited as when I do I know that something is up. Some thought is in there roiling around and getting stuck.

My actual issue is hard for me to discuss. I am ashamed of my behavior. I did talk to a therapist yesterday and have set an appointment. My marriage is at risk and I refuse to ruin it. I am selfish when I shouldn't be and place blame where I know I shouldn't. Yet, I still do. I think of myself when I should be tending to my wife's feelings. She is very very sensitive and needs love and understanding. I am selfish because I get stuck thinking how her hurt feelings effect me. Alot like Julia who we have all three been watching. I have to believe that people who have anger issues, or this issue, can overcome these patterns. If not, my marriage will end and I will do what I need to so it won't. Our family is very important to me. That's as specific as I can get at this moment.

Rvt001 wrote:My actual issue is hard for me to discuss. I am ashamed of my behavior. I did talk to a therapist yesterday and have set an appointment. My marriage is at risk and I refuse to ruin it. I am selfish when I shouldn't be and place blame where I know I shouldn't. Yet, I still do. I think of myself when I should be tending to my wife's feelings. She is very very sensitive and needs love and understanding. I am selfish because I get stuck thinking how her hurt feelings effect me. Alot like Julia who we have all three been watching. I have to believe that people who have anger issues, or this issue, can overcome these patterns. If not, my marriage will end and I will do what I need to so it won't. Our family is very important to me. That's as specific as I can get at this moment.

This is all understandable. Anger tends to stem from a feeling that we do not have control over something that we feel we should or thought we did have control over. It makes sense, then, that the reason why you get angry is because you feel like you should be able to make your wife happy, but you cannot control the fact that she gets hurt.

One of the important things you have to do in order to overcome anger is to know what it is you have control over and what it is you do not. You do not have control over people's feelings. Even if you say something mean or insensitive, you still do not have control. You can certainly influence how a person feels, but you cannot control it.

Once you accept that you can't control how another person feels, you will have a much easier time controlling your own anger.

before you focus on all that
have you tried to sleep a little on the days ( nap )
it is sometimes when we are wasted we may have emotional problems but if we just sleep for an hour we feel less of anxiety, fear , anger , we become more relaxed and have more energy to focus on what we have to do