The secret that's burying me alive

AnnaG wrote: I simply can't tell the truth now, it will kill me,

Have you ever been caught in a lie? Have you ever admitted a lie? Certainly at age 18, you have both been caught and admitted to lying. Did it kill you? Obviously not.

You can tell the truth, you simply don't want to tell the truth as you have an exaggerated fear of what you believe the consequences to be. You have an imagined future of losing friends, embarrassment and even figuratively death. Obviously, death will not occur and most likely the majority of your friends won't really care.

But, you don't want truth as a solution. The other solution, which I would not recommend is to go live somewhere else and make a fresh start. You apply for college or find a job in a new city and make new friends. You stop lying. The problem with this solution is it sounds appealing to start fresh, but it can be less than satisfying as it doesn't teach you how to face your mistakes, learn from them and grow. It teaches you to run from them.

Hi AnnaG!

First and foremost, if you're having suicidal thoughts, you need to speak to someone. I hope you can find someone to confide in, whether it be a relative, teacher, counselor or doctor.

Secondly, DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT THIS! I'm sure your friends would understand. Tell them there is something you want to talk to them about, explain that you were embarrassed to tell them your parents were no longer together. They may be surprised, but being truthful with them about it may deepen your friendships with them. So many people have divorced parents, it's really not something you should fear sharing with friends. I'm sure they will understand.

Hi AnnaG,

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so low about what you have told your friends about your life.

My parents divorced when I was very young, too young to remember. I don't really know the full story of how they split as I haven't really asked, but I just know it was in bad terms. So for my whole life I have grown up without a father. Now as a child, I suppose I instinctively knew this was uncommon and it was perhaps something I was ashamed of. Growing up I never told any of my friends about it, and though I never lied outright, when for example a friend would ask what my father does, rather than saying ~ "I don't know as I have no contact with him" ~ I would answer with his last known occupation ~ "he works in a restaurant" ~ Now this I realise is actually quite deceitful, because I genuinely did not know, and it gets worse when my friend very innocently asked ~ "oh! so does that mean you get to eat lots of nice food then?" ~ and I mumble something that seems like yes (we must have been maybe 13 or 14). I never invited friends over, partly for the same reasons. And parents evening at school was always quite a stress inducing time for me. I suppose I have to admit that I was ashamed. Divorce can be a taboo topic sometimes, especially in the community I am from. Anyway, fast forward a few years, and after going to university, I have developed how I present myself to people, how I talk about my life experiences, etc. I am now much more open, so if someone does ask directly about my father I will tell them the truth - my parents are divorced. I don't go into much detail or volunteer much info because I don't have to and don't really see the need, unless they are close to me, but even then I don't have to. People don't really ask anything anyway. Once I have said it they just say ~ "oh, OK." ~ And maybe nod a bit and break eye contact as they feel quite embarassed for having touched upon a possibly touchy subject. But I realise that as long as I am not uncomfortable with it there is nothing to worry about. I have kept in contact with a few people from school and even the way I speak to them has changed - I am more open. Now if they were to ask me about my father I would tell them openly, and I don't mind doing so as they are very nice people. But as it just so happens, we have not yet had open discussions on it, mostly because it has not come up, and that could be in part due to the fact that they have come to realise that there is something unusual about that part of my life, so they have just accepted it without probing.

I would recommend to you that you develop the habit of telling the truth, not just in this situation but in life in general. I can understand that you feel very embarassed and anxious about telling them the truth because you fear the repurcussions it may have, but I think you may be surprised at how good it actually feels once you have told the truth. Sure the initial fear and worry can be quite overwhelming (you might be the sort of person to go bright red when you say something you feel quite uncomfortable about, like I do!). But after you let it all out the relief will feel amazing.

It might be quite worrying to think ~ "What will my friends say? What will they think about me?" ~ Well I have two things to say about this. First of all, if they are good friends, nice people, people who care about you and value you ~ then they should be able to see past your falsehood and instead accept the truth. On top of that hopefully they would actually understand why you acted the way you did - please do explain the whole situation to them (again I know it is embarassing but if you tell the truth you need to tell the whole truth and explaining your reasons would help the situation 100%). You acted out of anxiety (something I have now come to understand from my own position), a problem that affects so many people. You needn't be ashamed of it. Hopefully your friends can support you despite the lies. If they cannot and they react badly, then they are not worth being friends with. I am so sorry to say that, because it would probably hurt a lot, but it is another reality of life I myself am coming to understand.

The second thing to say is that you may be worried about the repurcussions, but have you thought about how it may actually benfit your relationship with these people? For all this time you haven't invited them over or been completely truthful with them, and things may have seemed a bit shady from their perpective, but once you tell them everything it would finally make sense. They would think ~ "Oh so that's why our friend was acting this way!" ~ Then when you take it from there you can actually build your relationships up. Invite them over when you like, tell them stories about your mum and stepdad, anything you would do with good friends. This is definitley how I feel being more open has helped me.

I think the best thing to do now would be to bring the truth out slowly. You don't have to straight away go on Facebook and post a status about your stepdad or anything like that! Maybe just find the right time to tell a couple of close friends, when you are next out with them. If the right opportunity arises then that would be ideal, but here's an idea (quite a big push though!) - perhaps you may find just enough courage to bring it up yourself. Just to open up to the close friends you trust. People that you know who won't go around tellling everyone but would just accept the truth themselves first. Then perhaps you may be able to take the next steps, for example inviting them round, and if your stepdad is there he would probably say hi. It seems you care about this guy and he is a decent person, so there is no worry there. In fact, if you are close enough with him, you could tell him about the situation (embarassing again, I know, because you may think he would feel sad you initially were ashamed of him, but I think it would be a great opportunity to tell him you actually care about him and how he is a great guy you are happy to have in your life). Or you could speak to your mum if you are close to her and she is the sort to give advice. Talking about these things really helps.

Anyway, after all that (sorry for the long post!), all I have said above is just advice. It's up to you how you take this forward now. I just wanted to share with you my own experience because it really helps to learn from others - how they did, or did not, do something properly. If you want to ask me anything about my own situation just drop me a message and I will be happy to answer (first time using this forum but I think this would be best way of doing this!).

I would love to know how it turns out. Let me know if anything changes!

I think what you did is not a lie. It's just maybe you don't want to give people a reason to talk about you because as we all know people like to gossip. Not that having divorced parents is a bad thing my parents were divorced and I am divorced as well and if my child did what you did I will be by her side and not shame her for lying about it. I myself sometimes do tell people that everything is fine and my husband is doing great even though we are divorced and I haven't seen him in a year and it ended in very bad terms. I just don't want to get in to that conversation that's all. because the truth is it's nobody's bussiness and maybe you don't feel like explaining that your parents are divorced. And if they do find out what do you think will happen you can just say I didn't want anyone to know. I wouldn't look at someone as a liar in that situation it's just your personal privacy. And your true friends will be the ones who will stay by your side in this situation and whoever doesn't screw them.

KLeone wrote:I think what you did is not a lie. .... I myself sometimes do tell people that everything is fine and my husband is doing great even though we are divorced and I haven't seen him in a year and it ended in very bad terms. I just don't want to get in to that conversation that's all. because the truth is it's nobody's bussiness and maybe you don't feel like explaining that your parents are divorced.

You are lying to people as is the OP, but you have a rational, reason, or justification that lying is okay. It doesn't negatively impact you, because the lies you are telling are not to people that you are trying to develop a potentially close or intimate relationship with.

The OP on the other hand is suffering negative effects, because the lying results in not being able to pursue the very normal process of developing a healthy friendship. The OP lying results in fabricated stories that then restricts inviting friends or a potential intimate relationship to meet family without bringing into question the integrity of the OP.

The idea that you -1- lie and then -2- believe a person can go screw themselves if they don't understand your reason for lying probably works pretty well for casual acquaintances, but probably is not as effective for relationships you actually want to cultivate.

The only way to stop feeling guilt and anxiety over the situation is to come clean. You are not the blame for the situation. I know of someone who did something similar to you. That's how children deal with things. You have grown and matured. Obviously, otherwise you wouldn't have posted this. It's a beautiful for you to see how you evolved into such an empathetic individual.

I think you should come clean. The people who love you will understand. The ones who don't... well just let them be.