Sudden thoughts of dying

**Posts:** 7 · by **johnbuck** » Thu Jun 25, 2015 10:25 pm

Originally posted this in the wrong section so giving it another go.

I'm not a practicing hypnotherapist but have completed a hypnotherapy and NLP training, I'm a bit lost with this one and hope someone can shed a bit of light and suggest some possible solutions please.
I'll try to keep it brief.
My Son contacted me asking for my help; he is an actor living in London and performing professionally for the past 3 years; unfortunately I'm in Scotland.
He tells me that suddenly, about 3 weeks ago, he started to exhibit irrational symptoms associated with constant thoughts of him dying, I wouldn't say that he is experiencing any classic anxiety symptoms, more a feeling of desperation/despondency. It has manifested itself into, what appears to be an overpowering thought which is clouding his daily life to the extent that the thought creates a "black cloud over everything" "everything seems heavy and pointless".

He is normally fit, well and doesn't have any mental health issues. Life for him is good in that he is in a happy, stable relationship, he has just secured a role in a London West end show which will also take him to Australia for several months and he is quite excited by this.

On questioning him, he appreciates that these are thoughts and not reality and he has no thought of ending his life himself so I’m not concerned with regard to any depressive illness. I have tried to find a catalyst for the sudden change in his thoughts and it transpires that, when he was young and shared a room with his elder brother, his brother went to some lengths to tell him that he was going to die! I didn’t go into any further depth with this as I didn’t want my son to associate into the situation at that point.
My two sons do not have a relationship, no falling out just no relationship at all. It transpires that my elder son had intimated that he may go to London and take his own son to see the show in London; this would be the first time since my younger son has been a professional performer.
I can only assume that it has been this that has caused the trauma of younger life to emerge and cause these issues; it has never been an issue until now. In my son’s words, he feels at his most vulnerable when he’s on stage!
This may be a red herring but it’s all I can come up with.
I'm wondering whether a V-K disassociation technique might be of assistance here assuming that the original trauma was indeed the cause of his current issue?
Apologies for the length of this but it’s quite hard to explain in less words.
Any advice or thought would be very welcome.
Thanks in advance.
John

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Fri Jun 26, 2015 2:20 pm

johnbuck wrote:I can only assume that it has been this that has caused the trauma of younger life to emerge and cause these issues; it has never been an issue until now. In my son’s words, he feels at his most vulnerable when he’s on stage!
This may be a red herring but it’s all I can come up with.
John

Very much a red herring. A Freudian form of analysis, creating a story from the past, many times the distant past as a reason for a troubled mind today.

I think you need to separate what is going on into 2 distinctly different issues.

Issue -1-
Performance anxiety. That is the issue with the brother showing up to watch. There are several ways to handle the situation, (1) tell the brother or (2) work on the performance anxiety. Given performance anxiety is extremely common, there is plenty of help available within the theater community. Advise your son to talk with his companions on stage, get tips, tricks and support from them.

Issue -2-
Thoughts of death. Instead of looking in reverse, trying to find something in the past that would cause the today, start focusing on today and what your son needs to do tomorrow. Be future focused not past focused. If your son focuses on what he can control and what is going on just in his immediate sphere, blocking out the rest, that should help. If it doesn't, then at least you will have narrowed the issue to something in his immediate control.

**Posts:** 7 · by **johnbuck** » Fri Jun 26, 2015 2:43 pm

Thank you very much for your reply Richard.

I will take your info on board and formulate a plan to see where we can go.

Aside from this particular issue I'm interested that you talk about being future focussed and not past focussed; I get that it is healthy to look toward to the future as we generally have an element of control over that; but to dismiss a traumatic event from the past contradicts a lot of what I've read and been taught.
Perhaps I've misunderstood but do you think that there's no mileage in addressing a past traumatic event in an attempt to alter thoughts about it in the now?
What about phobia's/fears etc?
Still learning about all this stuff so bear with me!

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Fri Jun 26, 2015 3:32 pm

johnbuck wrote: but to dismiss a traumatic event from the past contradicts a lot of what I've read and been taught.
Perhaps I've misunderstood but do you think that there's no mileage in addressing a past traumatic event in an attempt to alter thoughts about it in the now?

I definitely think it is okay to address a past trauma. The red flag, is when one begins to draw causal conclusions, e.g. "Because your mother did not buy you the red fire truck you wanted so much, that was traumatic for you, something you vividly remember and it is because of how your mother denied you this truck, this is why you never became a firefighter and are now addicted to weed."

The slippery slope is that people (trying to help) are all too eager to develop a story from the past to explain the cause of problems and often times provides a crutch for today. The more believable the story, the more the person that needs help can head down the wrong path.

The worst case scenarios are really believable stories that then ruin relationships. Because your mother did X, this is what caused your dysfunction. If we treat you, based on this X that your mother did to you, then you will be healed. Now, because of the power of the mind, the ability to even implant false memories and the neuro-plasticity of the brain, the patient can respond positively to the treatment. It makes the patient feel better, it reduces their anxiety as finally they have an answer they can believe. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The therapist (trying to help) came up with a realistic, believable explanation the patient could embrace. The mother did X and this caused Y. The patient, feeling better, having embraced the therapist story now hates his/her mother.

The kicker in all of this is there is no way to prove X actually caused Y, it was just a story the therapist (trying to help) made up to do their best to explain Y. The mother that "traumatized" the child by spanking, not buying the truck, etc. etc. etc. gets thrown under the bus and the relationships between parent and child is strained if not destroyed.

IMO, it really is unfortunate as there is a ton of money to be made in generating stories for people. This type of therapy is a billion a year industry. And I don't think people have ill intent, I think they are genuinely trying to help.

And last, I am not saying never draw causal conclusions. Certainly a past trauma can result in a specific future behavior, but once again this is the slippery slope. I believe we need to be very careful when we make causal claims.

**Posts:** 7 · by **johnbuck** » Fri Jun 26, 2015 3:44 pm

Brilliant Richard, thanks for clarifying.

I totally get and agree where you're coming from.

I love this stuff........wish I had some of my years back so i could have started learning earlier!!

Thanks again

**Posts:** 7 · by **Elyse** » Sat Dec 26, 2015 3:27 am

Hi Johnbuck,

Thank you for reaching out, I noticed this was posted in June so I hope your son is doing better now.

However if not, I would offer this piece of advice which I gained from my study of the human mind.

There is but one thing in this life you have absolute, unquestionable control over, and this is your mental attitude. We have the right of this control, however this doesn't mean that we do control it. We have many thoughts throughout the day, sometimes positive, negative or a mix of both. But we can control which of these thoughts we focus on and allow to dwell in our minds.

A great metaphor that explains this perfectly: 'You cannot control whether a bird lands on your head, but you CAN control whether it makes a nest.'

We all have inner demons that we must eliminate if we wish to be free of their negative influence. We are all swimming along like fish, with many hooks surrounding us with bait. The trick is to eat the bait and move on, and not to get caught on the hook.

Your son has a fear of death. This is a very common fear and it is possible to be free of it's negative influence. Teach him to find faith that death is not a bad thing. Teach him that we are living beings made of energy, and energy can never be created or destroyed (Second Law of Thermodynamics). Death is only a transition and it is out of our control. You would be a simple minded person to worry over something that you have no control over. All he needs to do is come to terms with it in his mind and he will no longer harbor this fear.

I hope this helps, I wish you and your family happiness and success

**Posts:** 7 · by **johnbuck** » Thu Dec 31, 2015 12:17 am

Many thanks for taking the time to respond Elyse; and for your interesting comments.

Very shortly after posting I coached my son into doing several things as an interim measure prior to seeking direct professional help from a hypnotherapist.
Some of my advice to him has been echoed in your post so I am pleased about that. I only had contact via telephone and I went to some lengths to explain to him that his thoughts led to his feelings and actions and that he had the choice to make a decision whether to concentrate on these particular thoughts or to reframe them into something more positive. We spoke about the trigger point when the thought was upon him and how to stop it from progressing. I also sent him a hypnotherapy session to help with irradicating a busy mind before sleep; this was a recording by a renowned hypnotherapist.
I also suggested that he considered taking 5HTP as a relatively safe means to maintain serotonin levels just in case this was a factor in his mood.
Low and behold, to my relief, within 3 or 4 days he was feeling much improved and has not, to date had any relapse; he did not see a hypnotherapist and is currently performing confidently in Australia.

**Posts:** 1554 · by **laureat** » Thu Dec 31, 2015 1:41 am

when someone experienced some kind of phobia I simply recommend to face the fears and prove the negative expectations wrong so it teaches the mind to expect something else and phobia disappears

every new day it strengthens the confidence and weakens phobia because you have pure fact to be wrong you can see death is not happening but you still may be unsure like " what about next week? maybe I die next week? " and the next week comes and proves you wrong again , and phobia disappears

but even when death really comes there is no need to fear death because a human is an adventurist,
a human comes to this life he explores and goes if he would live forever he would no longer be an adventurist and that would become miserable because it means you are trapped and cant decide to go

but considering that death is possible, life becomes beautiful an adventure that we should enjoy

**Posts:** 1554 · by **laureat** » Thu Dec 31, 2015 1:57 am

I could not edit to add
what you focus on = feelings
if someone focus on death all the time it may lead to unwanted feelings ; depression, anxiety whatsoever
is good if someone can manage to close the chapter of these kinds of topics that leads to unwanted feelings
than focusing on something like what should I cook for new-year it will lead to different feelings

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