Grief turned to anger

**Posts:** 1 · by **ilac** » Mon Dec 01, 2014 4:34 pm

About this time last year my grandmother died and my mother started showing symptoms of the disease that would soon kill her. It was my first year at university across the country and things until that point had never been better. I was studying something I love, I had a very healthy social life and lots of friends and the best part was that I had started a relationship with someone who was my best friend and we complemented each other perfectly. However my mother who was my best friend and hero growing up did pass away quite suddenly. Since then I've been lost in grief and my grief has turned into this uncontrollable anger. for a long time it was directed at my classmates. it never really would come out though because I knew I needed to work with them. however last night I had been drinking at a party and my anger was completely misdirected and unfortunately it went straight for the person I love. I can home and found him asleep in my bed and I woke him up to yell at him about something that kind of pissed me off but really didn't warrant my yelling at him. I kicked him out of my apartment at 5 in the morning and made him go home. the next morning I tried to understand the source of my anger. his small error in judgment hurt me but I had lost my head. now as it's coming up on the one year anniversary of the worst time in my life he tells me he needs a break. the plans for christmas together that have been in motion for months now have been have been cancelled. he said that last night left him with a lot of anxiety. I must say he has been really wonderful throughout this awful year and I know being there for me has been very difficult and taxing on him. But I don't know what to do. is uncontrollable anger normal with grief? is he going to get over his anxiety? he says he still want to be with me he just needs time to recharge. i'm worried that my being along through the holidays will make me worse. i'm stuck across the country from my remaining family and I don't know what to do. I still have exams to get through and now even worse than before i'm having trouble concentrating. any tips? Is there anything I can do to help him feel better, while still respecting the space that he asked for?

**Posts:** 27 · by **Daniel878** » Mon Dec 01, 2014 8:26 pm

Give him the space he needs and he will return to you. Meanwhile try and focus on studying on your exams and here are some effective tips for you to cope with test anxiety and learning:

- Being well prepared for the test is the best way to reduce test taking anxiety.
- Space out your studying over a few days or weeks and continually review class material. Don't try to learn everything the night before.
- Try to maintain a positive attitude while preparing for the test and during the test.
- Exercising for a few days before the test will help reduce stress.
- Get a good night's sleep before the test.
- Show up to class early so you won't have to worry about being late.
- Stay relaxed, if you begin to get nervous take a few deep breaths slowly to relax yourself and then get back to work.
- Read the directions slowly and carefully.
- If you don't understand the directions on the test, ask the teacher to explain it to you.
- Skim through the test so that you have a good idea how to pace yourself.

These are some effective tips for getting through an exam that I used with success. Now, back to your boyfriend, when he will get back with you try and explain to him why are you like that and ask him to help you. Communication is the key to any successful relationship.

Take care!

**Posts:** 1 · by **SaLinaslayer** » Tue Dec 09, 2014 12:05 pm

How can you do it? Anything else you can do? Can I do it same you?

**Posts:** 10113 · by **JuliusFawcett** » Sat Dec 13, 2014 3:59 pm

Are you willing to change?

Are you willing to forgive?

Are you ready to love unconditionally?

**Posts:** 1 · by **zahid786** » Sat Dec 20, 2014 4:29 am

Because that would be a cruel illogical way of thinking? Maybe I should ask, why can some parents let go of their children?
Oh, and let me add - at least that's what I think.
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**Posts:** 3 · by **TheRose** » Mon Jan 26, 2015 5:41 pm

ilac wrote: is uncontrollable anger normal with grief?

This is something I've wondered, too, as I think I've been quicker to anger since my oldest friend passed away. I know anger is one of the classic "stages of grief," but that seems to refer to how we feel about a loved one dying. Can it spill over to other areas of our lives? I'm sure it can. Normal? I'm never sure about that one.
Looks like this happened a couple months ago. I hope things got better for you.

**Posts:** 1152 · by **Leo Volont** » Tue Jan 27, 2015 3:36 am

TheRose wrote:
ilac wrote: is uncontrollable anger normal with grief?

This is something I've wondered, too, as I think I've been quicker to anger since my oldest friend passed away. I know anger is one of the classic "stages of grief," but that seems to refer to how we feel about a loved one dying. Can it spill over to other areas of our lives? I'm sure it can. Normal? I'm never sure about that one.
Looks like this happened a couple months ago. I hope things got better for you.

Many people, even many of the experts refer to Anger as though it were one of the primary emotions, like happiness or sadness. But, I think Anger is simply a Way one expresses a Response to an Emotion one is feeling.

They say that when women feel sad and hurt, they cry. When men feel sad and hurt, they yell. Now, of course all such sayings are really over vastly generalized, but they may be able to point us in the right direction.

You know, for at least the wealthier classes, they used to prescribe periods of mourning for those who would lose those closest to them. Being dressed in black was a sign for everybody else to step carefully around these people.

But this young man lost his mother with whom he had been very close. And he just kept going. He doesn't mention even pausing for a moment. When I lost my mother, I went back home and chased everyone out of the kitchen and sat there and cried for a good day and a half (of course, I put on my mother’s apron set out food in the dining room for lunch, snacks and dinner for family and friends– activity is always good for the soul). I went through her entire recipe book... especially the things she taught me to make. For a few days I was a real mess, but then my eyes dried and I suddenly felt at Peace and I let people come back into the kitchen again. They wanted to know what secret things I had found in there.

You mentioned the Stages of Grief. Yes, one needs to get closure on these big life events.

I hope the young man's friend comes to an understanding about the difficulty of the circumstances that had surrounded and given context to the unpleasantness that had chased him away. But if he doesn't, well, he wouldn't be much of a friend in the long run, would he, and it is good to find out such things about one's companions sooner than later.

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